When I told my youngest brother that I’d be arriving at our familial home on Friday to celebrate the holidays, he arched his eyebrows and solemnly intoned. “Yeah good luck with that.” I thought maybe this was a jibe about my tendency to invite disaster when traveling (ask me about the time I was strip searched -- NEVER ASK ME) until he reminded me that this Friday, the 21st, is when the world is supposed to end.
“I thought the world was supposed to have ended on 12/12/12?”
“No,” he said, “that was just an awesome day.”
While this was a valid point, I had turned solemn. If the ancient Mayans were correct (and when are they not, amirite?) and the world was set to end on Friday, it would most likely go down while I was sitting in the New Haven train station waiting for my Amtrak connection from Metro North. While positives to this included me not being able to tell I had died and gone to hell (BURN, NEW HAVEN), the negatives included greeting the afterlife with a Sbarro’s-induced tummyache, surrounded by the disgruntled and insane.
I shuddered to think, and then I shuddered some more when I considered, worse than all of these things: if it was about to get 10 kinds of Kirk Cameron-type rapturous up in this bitch, I would shuffle off this mortal coil, an oozing bucket of human regret.
I am not the only one worrying about all of the shit they need to get done before the world ends. This article mentions that one in every four men polled would regret not having more sex. Valid indeed, dudes. It got me thinking -- with the clock to the end ticking down at a rapid clip (you guys I just really freaked myself out!) I thought it was time to share the top five items on my Get It Done Before The World Ends list:
1.) REBEL, WITHOUT A CAUSE:
I don’t know about you, but for the majority of my time on this earth, I’ve been an okayish person (minus the time I lied and told my mom that my sister ate all the Oreos so I could get more Oreos, but come on -- Oreos). When the reckoning comes, it’s not like our everyday acts of not-being-evil are going to be recognized, so use these last few days to squeeze in whatever acts of victimless shenanigans you so desire.
Are you, say, stuck in New Haven? Maybe you should indulge in the creation of a little stall-style graffito! (....) Are there no cars coming even though you do not have the right of way? WALK ANYWAY. You feel that sneer starting at the corner of your mouth? That’s what it’s like to be a badass -- aren’t you glad you won’t die never knowing?
2.) ALL OF THE BANGING
As mentioned above, one in four dudes are going to leave this planet wishing they’d gotten their bone on more. The same goes for one in 10 ladies. With no consequences and adrenaline pumping, now is the hour to freak like you’ve never freaked before! FREAK AS THOUGH YOU ARE THE LOVE CHILD OF RICK JAMES AND R KELLY AND MAYBE ALSO ROBIN THICKE OR ALAN THICKE EVEN I GUESS? There’s no kink too kinky when the world’s ending, you guys.
They have harps in heaven and harps are okay -- but I’m pretty sure there aren’t like, cloud orgies or celestial rivers running rampant with lubricant. I say call everyone you know, tell them to call everyone they know, then those people should put a call out via OKCupid, and then everyone should meet up at your place with plenty of trash bags and Gatorade for hydration. Hell, I’m not condoning bestiality, but if you’ve ever rejected the advances of a puggle because of “decency” and, “You’re a dog, puggle,” now is the hour to rethink your high and mighty stance and see if said puggle will give you a second chance.
3.) ALL OF THE SCIENCE
This world is filled with highly intelligent people. There is no legitimate excuse for why we aren’t all traveling via hover-cars and jetpacks to avoid reanimated dinosaurs as we go to our homes in space-towers where we eat meals that are transmitted onto our plates after having been read from our brain waves before being rocked to sleep in the arms of our sentient robot who is also a tender lover.
The only reason none of these things have happened? Politics. With only a couple of hours left to live the dreams that science could make a reality, I implore the world’s political infrastructure, let’s drop our petty differences and just let my emotional and physical needs be met by a robot, OK?
4.) STOP IT WITH THE EXERCISE
Isn’t kind of nice to know, that when confronted with the end of the world, all of the bullshit will fall away, and only the things that really matter will remain? Like cookies.
5.) SPOILER THEATRE
I know I am not alone when I say that if I die without knowing how several TV shows ultimately work out, I will be furious. I propose the immediate formation of a troupe of actors, who, with the assistance of the various showrunners involved, can quickly and efficiently fill in the rest of the "Boardwalk Empire," "Breaking Bad," "Homeland," "How I Met Your Mother," "Mad Men," and also "Dexter."
Some people will inevitably turn up to the performances being all, “Why aren’t they doing 'The Wire'? I want to know what happens on 'The Wire'!” This person will be escorted out the theatre by the aforementioned robots and then fed to aforementioned reanimated dinosaurs because that shit has seriously been out on DVD for years. YEARS.
What about you guys? What are your top five? Do they include robots? I know none of mine featured zombie preparedness, but frankly I just kind of figured that if you aren’t prepared for them by now, you never will be, you know?