5 Things That I Can Buy With The Money I'm Saving From Not Smoking This Week

Also, if I didn’t stop NOW when would I? I’m only getting uglier and smellier and cancerier.

Jan 30, 2014 at 3:00pm | Leave a comment

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Me, NOT smoking a cigarette.

 
I haven’t had a cigarette in a week and I’m actually about to take an axe to my skull. 
 
I’ve put down a few addictive things in my time. I get addicted really easily because as some people have told me, I need to get out of myself because I have a natural repulsion to reality. 
 
I think it is obvious that I really don't hate smoking, I never will. I do wholeheartedly believe in Smokers Rights. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but one of my life goals is to be as smart/mean as Fran Lebowitz. If you don’t know her work then you are an idiot. She has always been a huge advocate for Smokers Rights.
 
Before we go any further you need to watch what she has to say on smoking.
 
 
I support Smokers Rights mainly because I support the rights of humans to do whatever they want to their own bodies. This goes for almost everything, including slow, painful euthanasia.
 
But as much as I love cigarettes they will also give me bags under my eyes, make me ugly and eventually smoking will kill me. I’m aware. 
 
So I'm quitting. 
 
Here is how it happened. A week ago yesterday I was standing at a show and I was overwhelmed with a feeling of now or neverness. If I didn’t stop NOW, when would I? I’m only getting uglier and smellier and cancerier. 
 
So after the set, I gave my last four cigarettes to a friend of mine and declared to the people I was with that I was going to QUIT SMOKING RIGHT NOW. This is what you have to do when you quit smoking -- when you quit anything, actually. You have to tell a bunch of people so they hold you accountable. Your fear of people thinking you are a failure keeps you to your word. 
 
I told everybody the day after I stopped. I have regretted it ever since. 
 
I feel awful. This is the hardest breakup in my life mainly because this has been my longest relationship to date. Now it’s over. Done. I feel a very real anger every day between the hours of 3 pm and bedtime because I don't have the comfort of a cigarette. 
 
But there is an upside. An upside! I promise, I’m done complaining. 
 
As of today I have saved $55.55 on not smoking and that money is burning a hole in my assless chaps. Just kidding! I already spent it paying off my student loans or something, but here are a few things I could have bought with the money I saved by not buying $15 packs of delicious happiness daily. 
 
Ostritch Egg
 
So one day when I was very young we had show and tell in class and I asked to bring my mom's Ostrich Egg to class to show. I don't remember where it came from, but I do know that she said "Don't break it" and I was able to keep it safe all day. Then I dropped the egg as we lined up for dismissal. 
 
I'd like to replace that egg. 
 
Moroccan Oil Products
 
 
Moroccan oil is actually the most important part of my hair regimen. I know that there are tons of different moroccan oils out there but this blue label magic is actually the only thing that makes my hair look actually so decent without me having to do anything else. The Argan comb is key for those of us who can't brush our hair for fear of it becoming a big puffball. Buy the set, and enjoy your beautiful hair rid of all nicotine smells. 
 
Victoria's Secret Yoga Pants
 
Anybody who is attracted to women is attracted to a woman in yoga pants. It's a rule. I'll take two, thanks.
 
MAGIC Coffee Table Book
 
I once met this guy and I thought he was a total nerd until he was all "Let me show you some magic tricks." Then fell in love. 
 
Magic is sexy as hell if done the right way. This kid had his slight of hand tricks on lock and I swooned hard. This book is fancy, about magic and very large. I also see myself falling in love with this book. 
 
 
I LOVE Valentines Day. I really do. I think it is super cool to take an extra special day and celebrate LOVE. I also like a holiday that involves a slutty costume (so I guess it's this and Halloween.) I'll be buying this little skank suit this year because I love it and I love love. 
 
(I still want a cigarette.)