5 Blondes Who Prove It's Not Always That Fun

Blondes don’t lead naturally charmed lives. Oh sure, we got no ish standing over a subway grate and giggling as our skirts rise, but our souls are dark, our pasts tortured, and our ideologies seriously borked.

Jan 4, 2013 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

It is a debate as timeless as the purported existence of aquatic apes -- do blonds truly have more fun?

It’s one of those sassy beauty rhetoricals that have people being all “Marilyn Monroe...” and others being all “...died tragically, you ditz!”

I’m a blond -- a dark one by birth, a lighter one by choice. (It’s like choosing a side of the force, but with blondness.) As a member of the Blond Brigade, it goes to follow that I’d keep up with all of the reasons people claim being blonde is best.

Most of the time it’s a blond preaching from the pulpit of platinum, and god knows I’ve been one of them. It’s easy to find things to chirp about when it comes to having blond hair -- I defy stereotypes being intelligent! It makes me feel sexy as balls, guys! I can hide from flesh eating snow wolves* in a snowstorm! I rock a Stefani-esque lip like it is my jooooohhhhooooob.

But every so often a blond comes along to buck the curve, and throw a little reverse psychology at our butts. Like this blond posting over on the Frisky, who points out all the negative aspects of being blond. Now, now, my fellow-yellows (THAT just happened) enough with this whole “TRAITOR IN OUR MIDST” accusations of chicanery -- a girl is entitled to her opinion. And at the end of the day, it really is just hair, something human beings are evolving away from altogether** (at a faster rate than land-humans if you are an aquatic ape***.)

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(Any beheaded monarch with a passion for fashion, and a misatributed quote regarding pastry is ooookay by me.)


Still, the list was onto something  -- blondes don’t lead naturally charmed lives -- just look at history, movies, and literature! Oh sure, we got no ish standing over a subway grate and giggling, but our souls are dark, our pasts tortured, our ideologies seriously borked.  Do you doubt me? Behold Five Blondes With Bigger Problems:

1.)  That Cursed Chick From The Craft.

In addition to simply providing all list-readers here with a viable reason to go and watch Fairuza Balk be awesome (other ways to accomplish said goal include a viewing of "Return to Oz") , Rachel True’s Rochelle punishes the evil Laura Lizzie, played to perfection by Christine Taylor with baldness. And Laura Lizzie? TOTALLY HAD IT COMING. She started off being blond, bitchy, and racist as hell, and ended humbled, most hairless and pitied by a slew of witches quietly inching over to the dark side. Call the corners, y’all, and also, remember when Skeet Ulrich was a thing?

2.) Queen Victoria’s Children

There were some dishwater blondes in this crew. And yeah, sure, being a prince or princess could conceivably have its moments of awesome, but ultimately this is not a brood of fair-haired kids you wanted to be a part of! Dissolutes, potential syphilitics, hemophiliacs, an overly attached-mother who ruled the country, a dad whose named inspired a johnson piercing, rumors that you might be Jack the Ripper -- this does not an enviable or particularly happy time make, ya dig?

3.) Rapunzel

Uh, I might whine about my mom every so often, but at least she didn’t acquire me by bullying a man stealing her lettuce into giving me up, ya know? Also she never locked me in a door-less tower, nor did she make me grow my hair out super long to be her ladder. Rapunzel’s witch mom totally had powers, right, and she couldn't uh -- use them to magic-herself into the tower? HOKUM.

Also my mother has never cut off my hair, blinded the dude I was boning, and sent us into the desert as boning punishment. This is all oodles worse than having blond hair. Side note- - do you think Rapunzel  mainly spent her time masturbating up there? Because I feel like that had to be mainly the only thing she could do to occupy her waking hours.

4.) Jean Harlow

Oh sure, she was the original platinum blond bombshell, all dating Howard Hughes and what have you. And sure she was known as the Laughing Vamp which guys, if you want to start calling me that I will not fight  you, but she also couldn’t make her personal relationships work, and died of kidney failure at the age of 27 -- that is far, far, worse than having blond hair.

5.) That Annoying Singing Nazi Kid From The Sound of Music

You know what’s worse than having blond hair? Breaking Liesl Von Trapp’s heart and then awkwardly being all “Hiel!” at her quasi-uncle figure. But these things pale beside EVENTUALLY ALERTING YOUR NAZI COHORTS AS TO WHERE SHE, HER SIBLINGS, PERT STEPMOTHER  AND HER FOXY-AS-FUCK  FATHER ARE HIDING. He is the worst and also his eyebrows disappear on his forehead which is alarming. But also, you know, a Nazi.

There have to be roughly a million more blondes whose luck was less than stellar -- who would you include? Not counting Marie Antoinette, because she is the doomed blonde of all doomed blondes, and I believe my photographic homage has made that clear. Excuse me, I am off to eat cake.

* Not a thing.

** On account of evolution

** Seriously, aquatic apes? Just prehistoric mermaids, you guys.