Would I have to start planning outfits around the tattoo like I plan for weather?
HEY, it’s that time of year! The time when folks start forking over big piles of money for cheap costumes of questionable taste! Also known as Halloween.
I’d like to state up front that I’m not opposed to “sexy” Halloween costumes, as a concept. If folks want to tart up in poorly-made ensembles for a night, I’m not going to judge. I’ve really got no place to stand on that, as a person who hasn’t dressed up for Halloween in… a lot of years.
And I love Halloween. Love it intensely. Costumes just always seem like such a bother, and as much as I like looking at other people’s efforts, I haven’t had a good idea for myself in a long time. (Except for Pam Poovey from Archer, but I’d have to wear a wig, and wigs are a pain. I DO have a dolphin puppet, however. Just because)
Nevertheless, every year I run across a bunch of “sexy” costumes that are -- however unintentionally -- hilarious in their weirdness. Here are a few I’ve found so far.
I maintain that the best and most hilarious sexy costume of last year was Sexy Corn, just because corn is probably one of the least sexy vegetables, if we had to make a list of sexy vegetables.
This year, however, we have the Sexy Carrot, which is admittedly a sexier vegetable than corn (going by both color and texture) so this should be less funny. EXCEPT for that little carrot-greens hat. “Headpiece,” as the costume site calls it, as I suppose there is proper terminology for these things. The headpiece makes this brilliant. You’re a carrot, only with a face! A terrifying face-carrot.
SEDUCTION RATING, on a scale of 1-10: 6. Plus beta carotene.
For those who prefer their sexy vegetables to be cooked, here’s a Sexy French Fries costume (I would probably bet real money that Emily buys this immediately). I don’t completely get what purpose the arm warmers serve. Nor am I understanding what deeper implications the heart and “Hot Fries” strategically printed right over the ladybatch might intend. But I suppose when you’re dressing up as erotic fast food not everything is going to make sense.
SEDUCTION RATING: 10. What? EVERYBODY LIKES FRIES.
If this was ACTUALLY a Sexy Sriracha costume it’d be the best thing ever and we’d all just call it a day. Unfortunately, an officially-licensed Sriracha dress does not yet exist, and in the meantime we have to live with this unimaginative “Chickaracha Hot Sauce” costume from the “Bunny Brand.”
SEDUCTION RATING: 2. Would be a MILLION if it were legit Sriracha.
Cock Sauce too international for you? You can always dress up as Sexy Patriotism, although I’m pretty sure this dress breaks most of the rules about proper flag handling, like the lesser-known rule that says, “Don’t let handsy frat dudes spill cheap beer on your flag when they're awkwardly groping your boobs.” (That said, I think those rules might have been killed following September 11th when everybody was putting American flags on their cars and thus roads and parking lots nationwide were suddenly littered with battered and filthy flag detritus in a weirdly symbolic turn of events no one could have predicted.)
(Sorry, that got depressing.)
SEDUCTION RATING: Varies depending on political affiliation.
If you want to display your good citizenship and commitment to your community without being covered in all that annoying fabric, you can also be a Sexy Girl Scout, which, the description assures us, will mean that “all the boys will want your goodies!”
I don’t know. I mean, we barely bat an eye over sexy schoolgirl costumes these days, but this just seems… creepy. Disagree? There’s also a Sexy Brownie option. Shudder.
SEDUCTION RATING: -100. Guys, Brownies. They’re like, eight years old.
SEDUCTION RATING: [Trapped in a box.]
It’s entirely possible that Sexy Vader costumes existed before now and I just missed them. And okay, so Darth Vader KIND OF wore a skirt already. This is just shorter, is all. And with room for boobs in the top. And a “helmet headpiece with tassels,” because if I remember ANYTHING about Darth Vader, it’s his unabashed love of tassels.
If you’re more of a boots-on-the-ground type, there’s also a Sexy Stormtrooper costume. Don’t worry, it also has a hat with tassels.
SEDUCTION RATING: 5. I’m just saying, if walking around going, “Impressive. Most impressive,” or “I find your lack of faith disturbing” reliably resulted in lots of sex, nerds would be the most-laid people around.
Speaking of nerds, “Adventure Time,” the cult favorite cartoon for weirdos, has officially licensed this Sexy Lumpy Space Princess costume, which was apparently designed to be intended for ladies who like the idea of dressing up as LSP but who don’t want to look actually, you know, FAT. As a result, this costume is like the confusing smooth ghost of Lumpy Space Princess. Only sexy. The sexy confusing smooth ghost of Lumpy Space Princess.
The real question is, which is more annoying, this costume, or last year's Sexy Ursula costume from Disney's The Little Mermaid? You decide.
SEDUCTION RATING: 7. I mean it’s not perfect but it IS a lumping Lumpy Space Princess costume.
Sexy Rick Grimes. Yes, from “The Walking Dead.”
SEDUCTION RATING: URRRGHHHLASSHFFGHHsnarfgle
The description does not identify it as such, but I am pretty sure this is a Sexy Hamburglar costume. There is probably a Sexy Grimace out there too, but I’m afraid to look for it. If you have two friends who like sexy costuming you could always pair this with the fries costume above and last year’s amazing burger dress and I suspect it would be kind of amazing.
SEDUCTION RATING: 9. If only because of the glee you’ll bring those few people who know what the hell “The Hamburglar” is.
Yes, this is a Sexy Marge Simpson costume, differentiated from the regular non-sexy Marge Simpson costume by a much tighter dress with a boob-outlining bustier top probably supported with cheap plastic boning that will poke through the flimsy fabric at some point over the course of your evening and henceforth stab you relentlessly in the tit for the rest of the night. But feel free to groan a lot, it adds to the character.
SEDUCTION RATING: 10+, for that one guy who has fantasized about this his whole life.
What would a costumes post be with some sexy cultural appropriation? Yes, this Sexy "Day of the Dead" costume is cultural appropriation. Yes, even if you really, REALLY like it, it’s still cultural appropriation. Because as many of the folks who are made angry or even just uncomfortable by such costumes will tell you, their culture is not a funny/sexy costume to buy from some massive costume manufacturer and to put on and play around in for a night, and doing so reduces complicated cultures with long histories to a disposable gag. And that's just not cool.
This is also appropriation.
And this too. Just so we’re clear.
SEDUCTION RATING: 0 for all three. I know, that first dress is really cute, I know. But just don’t. There’s nothing sexy OR funny about being insensitive.
SO, we're off to a roaring start already and we've got over three weeks to go. Have you seen any bizarre or enraging or unexpectedly hilarious Halloween costumes in stores? Tell me all about it in comments.