Watch Me Attempt to Eat a Head of Lettuce in 5 Minutes and Prove I Can't Join a Lettuce Club

I just don't have what it takes.
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Claire Lower
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I just don't have what it takes.

I do not understand the youth of today. When I was a not-very-cool teen, I was concerned with a lot of things. I was concerned that I would never convince a boy to make out with me. I was concerned that I would never get my acne under control. I was concerned that I would never be able to pull off a slip dress. 

What I wasn't concerned about at all — not even a little bit — was how quickly I could eat a head of iceberg lettuce. (I did once try and see how many grapes I could fit in my mouth at once — spoiler alert: 23 — but that seems different somehow.) But times change, and trends evolve, and the hot new thing seems to be "Lettuce Clubs," in which a group of cool teens compete to see who can eat a head of lettuce. According to Buzzfeed, the rules of Lettuce Club are as follows: 

  • You have five minutes to eat a whole head of lettuce. 
  • The kid to do it the fastest becomes the president of the club and organizes the competition the next year. 
  • You can use any sauce you want. 
  • If you can’t finish your lettuce head in 30 minutes, you’re banned from attending the next year.

Apparently, the trend originated from the Maine School for Science and Mathematics, but has since gone viral, with Lettuce Clubs popping up all over the country. 

Wanting to see what all of the fuss was about, I tried to form a Lettuce Club of one. I mostly just wanted to see how much lettuce I could eat in five minutes, and to see if I had what it took to be a cool teen. So I walked myself to the grocery store, bought a head of iceberg and a bottle of dressing, and videoed my Lettuce Club attempt. (Warning: This is the most boring video you will ever watch.)

It's not the most riveting video, as it's mostly me eating iceberg lettuce. Upon watching the video, I have realized that I'm a pretty slow eater, which made the task at hand impossible.

The face of failure.

The face of failure.

If you don't have the patience to watch the above, I'll go ahead and spoil the ending. After four minutes of chomping, I had only made it through a quarter of the head of lettuce, then I got annoyed and quit trying, because I am an adult, and part of being an adult is not doing stupid shit that you don't want to do.

Anyway. TEENS, AM I RIGHT? It's almost enough to make you sing that classic tune from Bye Bye Birdie, ya know? (Have any of you seen Bye Bye Birdie? I freaking loved that movie as a not-very-cool teen.)

What crazy shit were you into as a teen? I had some friends who would snort Altoids, but I never partook. I was too busy trying to fit 24 grapes in my mouth.