Dress Yourself Like a Preschool Teacher from the 1970s All Winter Long

Swaddle yourself in corduroy, denim, and clogs.
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Alison Freer
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Swaddle yourself in corduroy, denim, and clogs.

Some of you have been heralding the coming of fall since mid-August, but now things are getting serious: Last week it was 60 degrees here in Los Angeles, land of eternal sunshine. (It's since rocketed back up to a scorching 94 degrees, but that one cool day was a reminder to get myself together — because WINTER IS COMING.)

Those of you who live somewhere freezing with snow may mock us West Coasters, and we deserve it — as we are a lily-livered, warm-blooded bunch. But I specifically moved to Southern California not only because I dislike cold weather, but also because I hate all winter clothes! They are always horrible and only available in colors like burnt orange, and I'd much rather be swanning about with bare legs at all times, drinking an Ice Blended in the sun. I don't want to hear about warm coats and woolen mufflers — ever!

Oh! This seems like an excellent time to tell you just how good I've gotten at making Iced Blendeds at home in my cheapo Magic Bullet blender — I just buy the vanilla powder online for $12.99 a can and halfheartedly follow the instructions. Moving the whole operation in-house has saved me time and money (in addition to creating less trash). I even bought a reusable Pyrex smoothie straw, which might be both my dorkiest and most favorite purchase of 2016. 

I'm telling you: That glass straw is the cat's pajamas. If you never listen to another word I say, listen to me about this straw. It's incredibly pleasing to drink with and doesn't break easily — plus there is no smoothie particle on earth or any galaxy yet to be discovered that can ever clog it up. It's all smooth drinking all the time.  

And (AND!) did you read Adrian Grenier's diatribe about the "school buses full of straws"? We allegedly consume 500 million disposable straws per day on this planet — and they are obviously bad news for the earth, along with our oceans. Vincent Chase is tedious, but he isn't wrong about the straw problem, so now I'm a reusable straw convert. I even have a special silicone smoothie straw complete with travel case that I've started bringing when I go to the coffee shop in person. (RELATED: Do you happen to have a tree I can hug?)

Well, I did not think I'd spend 200-plus words waxing poetic about straws here, but the truth is that I find straws far more riveting than a bunch of stupid winter clothes. Except for these wide wale corduroy overalls from Target; they are really quite good:

An Instagram pal posted a pic of herself in these same coveralls with a note that her husband said she looked like "the woman who shows you around the tambourine factory in a Mister Rogers' Neighborhood episode," which I thought was a compliment of the highest order. Which then made me start to think that I could actually get behind winter clothing items that make me look like some sort of preschool teacher from the 1970s. (Or just a groovy woman who loves fondue.) So pay attention, class — there's a lot of corduroy, denim, and clogs ahead.

These winter clothes are certainly better than a sharp stick in the eye. Now behave, or I'll put you bad kids in time out, ya hear? Brrrrrr.

Alison Freer is the author of How to Get Dressed: A Costume Designer's Secrets for Making Your Clothes Look, Fit, and Feel Amazing, available everywhere books are sold.