You Expect Me To Swim In This?! The 7 Strangest Pieces Of Swimwear On the Internet

Don't call it a swimsuit if it ain't intended for the water.
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Publish date:
March 17, 2015
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Tags:
swimwear, press releases, swim suits, swimming pool

One of the side bonuses (?) of being a journalist is that you get press releases. Sometimes really strange press releases. Sometimes really awesome ones. Some, it's clear, are sent out en masse as a sort of carpetbombing in the hopes of hitting someone who will pick them up. When bad PR reps do this, it is painfully obvious. Don't do that. (No seriously PR reps for alcohol companies, stop talking to me.)

Bikini season being rapidly upon us, I'm starting to get the swimwear collections heaping up in my inbox. This is largely not terribly interesting to me because I was born with an excellent bathing suit, but I realize that there are situations in which a swimsuit is recommended and perhaps even required, such as public pools and hot tubs in many nations, including ours (so much for FREEDOM).

So and thus, I do in fact own a swimsuit, a sporty little number covered in polkadots, and I do in fact wear it on occasion.

Now, I'm a literalist: If you tell me that something is a swimsuit, I assume that I am going to be wearing it to go swimming. Somewhere in the back of my mind is the knowledge that some people wear "swimsuits" for activities other than swimming, which doesn't really make much sense to me — if you want to lie on the beach in the sun, why not wear, uh, clothes? (Especially since sun protection is a good idea! Skin cancer sucks, believe me.)

But, operating on the assumption that swimsuits are for swimming, and inspired by some of the recent guests in my inbox, I went questing for some of the most amazingly impractical examples of swimsuits on the Internets, and my finds were nothing short of glorious.

Let's take a look at this beauty. It's from Indah Clothing, an LA-based company, and I just cannot fully comprehend what is happening here, honestly. Is there a top hidden under that drape of fabric? Is it a shrug? Is it one of those infinity scarves? When you dive into the water, does it just flutter away like a stingray, disappearing into the depths?

Okay so I can actually see how this would be practical for swimming. The full coverage top looks like it would keep things under control (as long as the wearer isn't over a C-cup at most), ad it appears reasonably comfortable. However, what gives me room for pause is the honeycomb cutout.

I mean. Can we talk about the truly bizarre tan lines that are going to result? Let's follow that up with this: If you're wearing a swimsuit, it's likely going to be summer, and thus your upper arms will be visible in a wide variety of venues, which means that people are going to be repeatedly asking you if you fell into a beehive. If that's your thing, carry on.

Okay I'm sorry. This is a bra.

It's actually from a collection designed for swimmers of larger bust, and it can be tough to find suits in those sizes in the first place, let alone some that don't look awful (Modcloth and Swimsuits for All are good resources for Size Fat Suits, incidentally). So I tip my hat to pretty much any designer who puts in an effort, but seriously?

The description tells us that the top "will make the ultimate statement at the beach." Well, yes. Because you will be wearing a bra.

By the way, I recommend purchasing a bottom with this or you're really going to make a statement at the beach if you know what I'm saying and I think you do.

What you're not seeing here is the ridiculous level of plunge on this baby. If your boobs are anything over an A, get ready to ruuuuuumble, because they're coming out to party. In fact, hang on, let me just...

There we go.

(In other news, Opera cruelly set this as my homepage background and I can't figure out how to turn it back, so now I have to stare at it every time I open my browser.)

Okay look. This started off so well! Halter tops are totally swimmable, for those with the right bra size, and this one actually looks pretty comfortable (read: doesn't dig into your armpits). But then there's fake crochet overlay, which just seems like trouble in store. SHARKS, people, think of the sharks.

Also, again with the selling tops and bottoms separately. Is this some kind of swimwear conspiracy I don't understand? Anyway, if you want to get wild with a coordinating bottom, here you go.

No. You know what? No. I reject this. This is an offense on so many levels. I refuse to even dignify it with commentary.

Er...Okay, does anyone else think this is an accident waiting to happen? (Oh but you have two choices of bottoms with it, at least. And one's only $98!)

In conclusion: I give up. I clearly do not understand what swimsuits are for.