I’m Turning 30, So I’m Going Fantasy Birthday Dress Shopping. Come With Me.

Like, I’m allowed to pretend I’m buying ANY DRESS available. Any amount of $$ is allowed in Fantasy Birthday Land.

Dec 6, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

Every year I buy myself a birthday dress, so I can feel like a marchioness (I have modest goals) for a day. But this year is a little different: I’m turning 30 in a week. Obviously, I’m dealing with the milestone the best way possible: by mentally crapping myself every time I allow my thoughts to stray to WHAT THAT MEANS or whatever. Ugh.
 
So to distract myself from freaking out, I am doing some hardcore FANTASY BIRTHDAY DRESS SHOPPING. Like, I’m allowed to pretend I’m buying ANY DRESS available. Any amount of $$ is allowed in Fantasy Birthday Land. Hefty price tag = who cares? Does not suit my body type = no biggie. Completely impractical for wear during three birthday meals = damn that shit to hell.
 
I thought that fantasy birthday dress shopping would depress me a bit: like, have I finally cracked my psyche wide open, and will I ever recover my ability to tell fantasy and reality apart? But, no, it is so fun. I encourage you to try it, even if it’s not your birthday. Rules are for losers. I mean, I’m basically a professional fantasy shopper regardless of whether it’s my birthday or not.
 
Needless to say, I found heaps of FBDs. They are all a bit different. Let me show you.
 
1. The “For My Birthday, I Married Myself” Dress
 
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I take thee, me.

 
This guy is bridal white, backless and very fitted; I would never usually even try a dress like this on because I’m not shaped like some kind of tender willow branch. (I also haven’t been to the gym in three months.) But it’s classically beautiful, kind of regal and life-milestone-appropriate. 
 
Imaginary financial damage: This baby is worth $1800, or a cool two months’ rent.
 
2.The Witchy Mess Dress
 
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Guardians of the watchtowers of the North! Hear me! Oh, hey. Guess what? It’s my birthday.

I am a constantly sweaty, dishevelled person. It would never occur to me in a million years to purchase or wear a dress that might accidentally expose your nipples given that you can usually see my bra even when I’m just wearing a regs t-shirt. Honestly, I have no idea how. But this is FBD TIME, so bring on this pretty, whack dress with ballerina tulle and what seems like umpteen moveable parts. Yay! This one’s backless, too; clearly I don’t intend to wear a bra on my birthday.
 
Imaginary financial damage: A fake-budget steal at just $800. 
 
3. The “I’m Sophisticated Now, Because 30” Dress
 
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I’d eat ice-cream that color. Or any color.

Obviously, the reason why I’m freaking out about 30 in the first place is the tolling bell of adulthood (twenties are the new teens or whatever.) So this window-print dress in muted colors is something I could wear to signal my maturity. I would wear it to…business meetings, I guess? At…museums? YEAH BUSINESS MEETINGS AT MUSEUMS! 
 
Imaginary financial damage: So beautiful, so $1565.
 
4. The European Princess Dress
 
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Hello, doctor? Yeah, I just wanted to get this bow surgically attached to my body?

 
Do I even need to explain this? I guess in any daydream of myself played by Grace Kelly, I am always wearing Lanvin. This latte-colored sheath is gorgeous, and as understated as you can get when draped up like those ancient goddess statues at the Met. The ruffle on one shoulder is extra festive: YEAH I’M MY OWN PRESENT!! On the other shoulder: oh, sorry, that’s just MY MAJESTIC CLAVICLE. 
 
Imaginary financial damage: $2995. I have never even seen that much money before in my life. 
 
5. The “YEAH I’M 30 MOTHERF**KERS!!” Dress
 
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Smokin’.

 
I’m starting to get really mad at celebrities who dress boringly. Do you know how easy it is to pick out a cool, nice dress that you don’t even have to pay for? Jesus. This Stella McCartney shift dress is probably my favorite of the FBDs. It is an underwear skimming, lip-appliquéd expanse of DGAF. Plus, it fulfills my lifelong dream of wearing a dress with beaded matches on it. HA HA not really but I wish I’d had more foresight when formulating lifelong dreams. Get it together, past me!
 
Imaginary financial damage: $2955: $40 cheaper than the Lanvin, go buy yourself a dozen birthday cupcakes.
 
6. The Torvill and Dean Dress 
 
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Just another understated neo-baroque dress, you guys.

For my thirtieth birthday, I will finally fulfill my ACTUAL lifelong dream of becoming an ice skater. Except I can’t ice skate, so I will just wear the appropriate dress. It is the color of your grandmother’s hair. It is the color of the unicorn doll you had in fourth grade. It is the color of dreams. Hopefully the model’s legs are included with this one. I’d better check with Bergdorfs.
 
Imaginary financial damage: Have you ever wondered what it would be like to blow $5900 on a dress? And then just burn up fistfuls of $100 bills? Yeah.
 
7. The “What Would Beyoncé Do?” Dress
 
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OBVIOUSLY SHE WOULD DO THIS.

 
When it comes to sartorial decisions, sometimes there is no more complicated question than “What would Beyoncé do?” Granted, Queen Bey was pregnant when she was 30, so she wore a more flowing dress when she celebrated her B’day (LOL) by partying in Italy. Still, I feel that she would approve of this gown. It’s alternately sheer and sparkly: classic Beyoncé styles. 
 
Imaginary financial damage: If only B would bankroll it: $14870.
 
So those are my top FBDs. I did consider some princess gowns, like this one, but decided against them because I like to be mobile. I don’t want to spend my fantasy birthday just sitting down like a no-fun-Fanny. I also briefly thought about and then totally turned up my nose at anything that I could afford if I tried harder or went without some foods for a while, like this Barneys leather sleeveless dress. That is not what FBDS is about.
 
Did I miss any categories? What would your FBD be?