You always have to be ready to get into a fight. In order to get old you have to be ready to fend off the following:
Trolls (both kinds)
I live in New York City and it is pretty dangerous here (KIDDING) so I like to keep weapons on me at all times. I can’t tell you what those weapons are because, you know, the authorities (NOTE: I am not alluding to the fact that I carry a firearm of any kind. I'm of the opinion that guns are stupid and people should not be able to carry them on their person walking down the street, in their homes, or in their vehicles. But that's just me.) You do need some sort of protection though, let’s be real.
I used to carry mace, but I actually was more afraid of burning my face off than I was of any dangerous types, so I had to retire it. I have always wanted a taser but if I got searched in the subway (they do that here) I would have some major ‘splainin to do despite the fact that I am devastatingly cute.
There was a Spanish teacher in my high school who always carried a brick in her purse in the event her house was destroyed she could “always start to build another house.” I think she did it so she could always slam a predator in the DOME. Then you are all like this:
I’m here to destroy with fashion or whatever.
So there really is only one type of bag that you can swing over your head Xena Warrior Princess style without all of your lipstick falling out. Thank GOD the fashion powers-that-be have said that these are HOT HOT HOT because it’s really dangerous out there.
By "these" of course I am referring to the bucket bag.
Here's what I found while shopping for fashion weaponry. Just FYI there is no color in this article, because you know me. Some of these things come in other colors but that's not really my vibe, you can look on the site yourself to see what colors each of these come in.
This is actually the perfect bucket bag. If I didn’t have an arbitrary word count to get to I would stop the article here. We know Baggu makes excellent bags already but I have FELT this one and it is so soft I think the leather is baby human or something (KIDDING). This is like the most basic and most essential. I think everybody should have this bag this season, it can hold exactly the amount I need, it's simple, well made and perfection.
Speaking of perfection. Please look at this Chanel Bag for a moment and enjoy.
It is actually so beautiful I had to show it to you. It is unavailable unless you were born from the Mediterranean sea foam and have a Kardashian glo. It probably smells like virginity.
Okay, back to earth.
Gotta love ASOS hitting the trends before we realize them. This is another totally traditional bucket bag. It is not too too expensive because it’s not leather, so I guess that makes it vegan. TWOFER!
People say that if I were an animal I would be a cow. Cool right?! I have big baby eyes with really impressive eyelashes so I guess that's where that comes from. Real talk though, cows are beautiful. They are the majestic mothers of the farm world. Like if Connie Britton and Tilda Swinton got together and made a creature that got all of Connie’s FNL maternal vibes and Tilda’s impeccable bone structure...dig it? Anyway, they are beautiful animals and this print is just as beautiful.
Um, METALLIC. Don’t be stupid, this is awesome. Metallic anything is really awesome and weirdly hard to pull off. You don’t want to look like a raver candy kid (unless, you are one) but you don’t want it to look out of place. I feel like metallics go really well with suits. They are so playful but when paired with really tailored pieces you look like you are walking off the set of "Gattaca" had it not been the most boring movie ever.
This Forzieri bag is an effing CLASSIC. Not exactly something you could swing above your head but is totally something Peter Beard would wear while making art on safari. The leather on this one is super tough so it is really durable. Plus, it can be worn as a backpack or shoulder bag. You would definitely not win in a fight with a lion using this, but you could maybe find your way home with it. (Yeah, yeah it’s $500 dudes. Don’t even begin with me, don’t whine about how expensive it is. Some stuff is expensive and some people can afford it and some people can’t. Y’all need to learn how to live with that. I want to talk about beautiful things, not world economics.)
Alright, I just ate two slices of pizza and I’m exhausted, must digest. I hope you enjoyed the walk through my action hero obsessed brain. It wouldn’t be the same without you by my side. Enjoy your day, blah blah blah and remember, somebody is always out to get you, so you really do need to be prepared.