15 Questions I Have About Daddy’$ Money

Each week when I tuned into TeenNick, my eyes were inundated with the same deeply disturbing commercial. This is my attempt to process it. Proceed with caution, because what has been seen can’t be unseen.
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Each week when I tuned into TeenNick, my eyes were inundated with the same deeply disturbing commercial. This is my attempt to process it. Proceed with caution, because what has been seen can’t be unseen.

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I spent a lot of time this spring watching new episodes of Degrassi: The Next Generation. (Shut up.) Each week when I tuned into TeenNick, my eyes were inundated with the same deeply disturbing commercial. This is my attempt to process it. Proceed with caution, because what has been seen can’t be unseen.

1. Is it necessary to have a cash register sound effect every time I click something/scroll over photos on the website?

2. To whom are these shoes being advertised? The commercials are full of tween girls, while the blog suggests sneaker pairings for “nights on the town.” WHAT IS A TWEEN GIRL’S “NIGHT ON THE TOWN”? Besides going to a drive thru after soccer practice?

3. Why do the wedges need to be “secret”? And don’t the commercials sort of blow the lid off that whole thing?

4. Why is it so important to be 2″ taller? I thought at that age all the girls were already dwarfing the boys. Won’t this make all the school dances super weird?

5. What is this???

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6. Why aren’t there Blingees all over the site? It’s crying out for them.

7. Why do I love these so much?

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8. And why is that style called “After Party”?

9. Why can’t I stop staring at these? What would we call this aesthetic, besides “what one sees after taking molly and going into a Hot Topic“?

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10. Why does the commercial look like it was shot, directed and edited by the same sixth graders who are starring in it?

11. Why does this Good Morning Americareport on the commercials feature a “mommy blogger” arguing that the problem is that the commercial is teaching girls to rely on their dads to bankroll them, and is sexist because moms pay for lots of stuff too?

12. Why was the GMA segment not just playing this shot from the commercial (over which a young lady’s voice sings “I’m a daddy’s girl!”) on an endless loop while everyone screamed?

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13. What is going on here and did Lisa Frank get her guitar back after they were done filming?

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14. Okay, but would it be weird if i bought these? N.B. I am an adult woman.

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15. BUT WHY DOES “DADDY” HAVE TO BE A PART OF THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE?

[Photos via Daddy’$ Money, Tumblr]

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Republished with permisson from The Jane Dough