Let Me Prevent Your Child from Getting Teen Pregnant

I will text your teenager for no fee at all. Like all day. Seriously.

May 18, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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Here's an edgy ad I made for my hip anti teen sex campain.

DoSomethingDotOrg, that do-goodery social nonprofit that routinely interrupts my programs on Hulu, has launched a brilliant new service to keep your kids abstinent: via text.

Unfortunately, it's doesn't involve a texting robot that constantly messages, "Hey, are you guys fucking? Reply Y/N " and responds with either, "Great, as you were" or  "What? You guys! Stop fucking."

"The Pregnancy Text" does send robo texts, though, and encourages you to submit the mobile number of the teen you love for a shot at a $2,000 scholarship (For college? Whoop dee dee! What is this, socialist France?).

Enter your teen's cell and he or she will recieve "approximately 10" abstinence-promoting messages from an annoying ass fake baby over a period of 24 hours. Your teen can expect dispatches like "I'm hungry" and "Please change me" other obnoxious things that babies are always texting people to get them to feed and change them. It's basically the concept of the flour baby that Corey and Topanga had to take care of for a class on "Boy Meets World." Our kids keep knocking eachother up left and right for the simple fact that we aren't annoying them enough.

Oh, and they also encourage teens to be total assholes and submit other people's phone numbers to the service.

"Mess with your friends and put a baby in their phone for a day!", the web site actually says. Ha ha, enjoy that thing where your friends "mess" with you back by putting a trash can on your head and kicking you down a hill.

Listen, people trying to prevent teen pregnancy, if you want to use bleeding edge Cellular Phone Technology to keep teens from having sexual intercourse, there's a much better way: me. Julieanne Smolinski. I call and text your teen.

Maybe you're worried your kid isn't ready for sex. Maybe you're afraid your son will get some poor girl up the duff and blow his academic potential by not attending $2,000 college. Maybe you're one of those weird dads and you don't think a beautiful pink topaz purity ring is going to do the trick. Whatever the case, I will gladly take time out of my day to scare the bejesus out of your children.

Here are just a few of the mobile services I'm willing to provide:

- I text your teen different ways my parents have individually disappointed me on a quarter-hourly basis.

- I text your teen whenever I'm doing something fun and single that I wouldn't be able to do if I had a partner and children. Like, ignoring exposed wiring, never washing my sheets and drinking heavily while totally alone.

- I call your teenager extremely drunk after drinking heavily while totally alone. Your teen will listen to me talk about whatever I'm feeling. Topics may include "Why I Don't Like the New Batman Movies" and "How Long it's Been Since I Heard From the Guy I Like." Like this, teen? This is what being pregnant at a party with alcohol will be like.

- I text your teen pictures of my late 20something breasts in a variety of tops. I'm 28 and they still look pretty good, right? That's because I didn't have to start breastfeeding before I got my temps like some underaged tramp. Your teen is required to write me back with complements about my body, or the tops.

- I send your teen detailed photo messages with captions like, "This looks like an ingrown hair, right? Probably just an ingrown hair."

- I text your teen "Brunch?" really early on Sunday morning, and propose meeting at a popular restaurant full of people your teen would probably rather not see. This is a preview of the kinds of texts people feel fine sending you once you have consensual sexual intercourse with them.

- I text your teen some of the poetry I've sent people who have had risky sex with me and then not called. It's so good that they will likely be inspired to write their own poetry in lieu of having risky sex.

- I call your teen and say things like "Feed me!" much like The Pregnancy Text, but the catch is that if they don't actually feed me (via pizza delivery or the like) I charge them 1,000 dollars.

- I call your teenager and present personalized geneological research. You know that show, "Who Do You Think You Are?" I do that, but exclusively with the crazy people in your family, whose DNA your teen might potentially pass on to his or her own offspring. Didn't know your teen has a second cousin who fucked one of the guys from Train? Now she will.

- I fuck one of the guys from Train, and text your teen throughout my resulting pregnancy scare.

- I send your teen cell phone video of me giving graphic birth to the baby of one of the guys from Train.

Please send me lots of kids' phone numbers. I am willing to fuck that guy from Train as many times as it takes to keep your loved ones pure and teen pregnancy free.