I Care Exceedingly About Your Baby

I see a lot of articles with names like "I don't care about your baby." This is a dissenting view.

Mar 19, 2012 at 2:00pm | Leave a comment

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Here's the thing about babies: They're fucking adorable.

It's totally cool if you don't think so, or if you never want to have one. But in light of the proliferation of articles called things like "Shut up about your baby" or "I don't care about your baby," I realized that I am duty-bound to let all you parents new and old know that there is a whole other faction out there that I am a part of: those of us who do care about your baby -- so, so much.

I love your baby. If I find out that you have a baby, I will ask to to see pictures of it. If I find your baby's looks pleasing, I will want regular photographs delivered to my inbox.

In person, I want to look at your baby, specifically at your baby's feet. If I can put your baby's feet in my mouth without it being totally weird (admittedly a rare alignment of circumstance), I will. Here are the parts of your baby that I find most adorable, in order: feet, thighs, smile, belly, fingernails, ears, everything else.

I want to hang out with your baby.

If you bring your baby into the office, I do not need to have ever met you before to hightail it to your baby. If your baby is on one side of the room, and a taco buffet is on the other side of the room, well...that's a tough one. Hopefully I can do both.
 
I want to look in your baby's stroller. I want to make faces and wave and smile dopily at your baby for literally hours, if I can. If your baby is covered up with a blanket because it is all "sensitive to germs and the elements" or whatever, I am quietly freaking out because I want to see your baby's face. SHOW ME YOUR FACE BABY!

I think parents with cute babies in a public space should be required to parade around with the baby in the air Simba-style so we can all get a good look at it. Seriously, you know people want to see that shit.

I want to hold your baby and sniff its head and feel its warm, snuggly body against me. I want to see the latest pictures of your baby on Facebook, and hear about the latest cute thing your baby did. I want to see your baby in different oufit and poses and especially, especially in a Halloween costume.

I hate how it's "not cool" to admit babies are awesome. The cultural punchline and ultimate "scary single woman" is one who's too into babies, like "Argh, she wants to procreate, how teeerrifffyyying!!!"

Oh, I'm sorry, are you upset by the sound of my biological clock ticking? Last time I checked, it takes dude and lady juice to cook one of those suckers, so at some point that scary single woman stops looking so scary, right?

We're genetically encoded to find babies adorable -- otherwise why would let them literally vomit all over us? If cavemen had been all like, "Ugh, babies," we never would have populated the world. But instead they were all like "Oogah Boogah. Show me your f#%$ing face, baby."

Not that you have to want a baby of your own to find them adorable. I don't want to pick up a puppy's poop with my plastic-bag-encased hand, but I still see a freaking angel when I look at one.

And again, I know some people don't feel that way, but it's just so hard for me to understand.It's like saying you don't like monkeys, or pizza. Have you ever seen a baby? Have you ever held one in your arms and felt your heart fill with joy? Have you ever touched a tiny baby paw? HAVE YOU NO SOUL?

From now on, for every person that says "STFU parents" or whatever the cool baby-hating slang is these days, I will accept one adorable photograph of your baby. It's creepy, but not like pedophile creepy. Just strange woman looking at your baby for a really long time on the subway and trying to covertly take photographs for personal use creepy.

(Make sure your baby's face is in the picture.)

(And feet.)

(Seriously, I really want to see pictures of your baby. emily@xojane.com or @msemilymccombs on Twitter.)
Posted in Family Drama, babies