Who Needs Sleep? I'm Doing Just--ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Yesterday, my man let me sleep in and it felt like he gifted me 10,000 diamond necklaces that are also cookies that also give you oral sex.

Apr 9, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment


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Not a recreation, actual tiredness!

Since getting sober, I have been a firm 8-hours-a-night girl and healthier and happier for it. I believe it's one of the reasons so many sober people look a good 20 years younger than their biological age -- rest! Plus, we all eventually get into yoga. (3 years holding out and counting!)

Welcome a baby into my home has sliiiiiightly altered my sleep schedule. That is, it now revoles around his kittenish mewlings and droopy eyelids. Speaking of which, why do babies fight falling asleep so hard like they've got shit to do? "No! I can't sleep yet! I'm still working on these spreadsheets!"

So far, it's really not that bad. From what I've heard, the first 6 months is HORRIBLE, utterly horrible. Like  "Oh God I've made a huge mistake" miserable. But at 7 months, he mostly sleeps through the night. And he's aware enough that when you walk into his room he stops crying and smiles at you, which is heartmeltingly awesome.

But he also gets up very early. And my partner is a light sleeper and does a lot of getting up in the night just to look at him which was cute the first night but now that I am back at work after my one-day maternity leave is killing me.

Plus, after he has his morning bottle, he comes and sleeps in the bed with us for a few hours, and honestly, I can't sleep with that much cuteness next to me. It's like, pulsating and disrupting my REM.

So I am functioning at less than optimal levels. By 4 pm, I start to feel like a robot that is slowly powering down. I'm moving, but everything's getting a little jerky like I'm moving through syrup. Yesterday, my man let me sleep in and it felt like he gifted me 10,000 diamond necklaces that are also cookies that also give you oral sex. It was better than the proposal.

Unfortunately, the goodwill garnered was not lasting, since I just found myself unwarrantedly thinking "I'm glad you're sleeping so well, dickface," as the sounds of his deep breathing reached my typewriter keys. I don't mean it! I'm just sleepy!

Despite the fact that every time I go to the bathroom I expect to see an ancient forest hag stretching her icy finger out of the mirror, I seem to be holding it together OK on the outside. That Eye Bright Pencil from Benefit is a life-saver.

But so far I haven't found a beauty product for dealing with my corroding brain matter and decreased motor function. Any of you moms out there got tips for dealing with the "I'm in a dream! Is this real life?" portion of baby care? The best I can come up with is having Jane Pratt slap me every few minutes.

On the positive health benefits tip, however, he seems to be a great anxiety-reducer. I couldn't get to the pharmacy to pick up a refill, so I've been freeballing all weekend without incident. I'm thinking of registering him as a service animal.