I don't know when I began referring to myself in the third person. I think it was when Oliver was a newborn, and I read some parenting book that told me to narrate my entire day, out loud, for the benefit of my baby’s developing brain/something something about language.
“Mommy’s going to make coffee now!”
“Mommy’s going to brush her teeth because she still cares about personal hygiene, even though you woke Mommy up every two hours last night!”
“Mommy’s going to put you down for a nap!”
Did that parenting book say to speak about myself in the third person? I don’t even remember. Maybe I read something like babies don’t understand the concept of “I” until they’re two or whatever, and I used that logic to speak like I’m Elmo. Or The Rock. Can you smell what The Mommy is cooking? (No really, can you smell what mommy’s cooking? It’s a whole roasted chicken, and it’ll be done in like an hour.)
Fun fact: this is called “illeism,” in case it’s been mfshmenty years since your last day of school.
The worst part is, I still catch myself doing it, even though Oliver turned eight years old this week -- certainly old enough to roll his eyes at me.
As in, “Oliver, turn down the volume on your Nintendo 3DS, mommy has a headache.”
Ugh. GET IT TOGETHER, SHERWOOD.
Our friends at the Daily Mail rounded up a bunch of annoying shit that we parents do to make life miserable for everyone else. Illeism didn't make the list, but here you go:
1. Using a "cutesy" voice
2. Baby-related status updates on Facebook
3. Putting babies on the phone
4. Not disciplining children when unruly in public
5. Swearing in front of children
6. Blaming their kids for not going out anymore
7. Parents who constantly say how "perfect" their child is
8. Criticising other parents' kids
9. Matching outfit between father/son –- daughter/mum
10. Using their children as an excuse to be unsociable
I mean, I sometimes talk baby talk to my cat, so I’m in no position to pass judgment. (Actual thing I said to my cat last night in a baby voice: “Who’s the fluffiest furpants in the world?! Bunnnyy faaaace.”)
And do you know what else is annoying, according to some people? People who love their dogs like their dogs are human children. Twenty-year-olds who "don’t know what real life is like." The 1%. The 99%. Gun owners. Anti-gun activists. People who disagree with you. People who post pictures of babies on Facebook. People who hate fun. People who love fun, when your life fucking sucks. People who put things in front of your eyeballs that you don’t want to read. I mean, really, the nerve of people, putting stuff on the Internet! Having opinions! Matching outfits?!! Using their children as an excuse to be unsociable.
If we’re being honest, I do long for the days when I didn’t know that 75% of my Facebook friends are currently infected with the stomach flu. But you know, life.
What I’m saying is: We are all super annoying to each other, now that we always know what everyone is doing, at all times.
So I won’t tell you all of the other annoying parenting stuff I do (and I’m certainly guilty of some of it), because I’m sort of over this notion that there is this parents vs. non-parents battle being waged. Unless we get to have matching outfits, like the gangs in “The Warriors.” Then I’m on board.
What say you, xoJane readers? Are you a parent who is guilty of some/all of the annoyances on this list? Do you want to join my “Warriors” style 1980s girl gang? Mine is going to be called The Don’t-Cares, and our gang sign will be shrugging our shoulders.
Somer is on Twitter probably annoying a bunch of people: @somersherwood.