"Oh, You're Still a Little Bit Fat, I Guess": A Holiday Treasury of Offensive Relatives

In celebration of the most panic-attack-heavy, depressing, pull-your-hair-out frustrating time of the year, I thought it necessary to compile a list of the most offensive things folks heard at their Thanksgiving table this year.

Nov 27, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

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The holidays are a time of joy and laughter and fellowship. They are also a time of madness, horror, and family-induced PTSD -- not to mention the casual racism of uncles and brothers-in-law across our great nation as well as backhanded "compliments" aplenty.

In celebration of the most panic attack-heavy, depressing, pull-your-hair-out frustrating time of the year, I thought it necessary to compile a list of the most offensive things folks heard at their Thanksgiving table this year. The least offensive one -- my absolute favorite contribution -- is at the top of the list. All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

"My grandmother kept threatening to just 'burn the fucking house down' after the cat shit in three bedrooms and the hallway today." -- Jermaine 

"My stepsister told me, 'I don't know why you eat healthy. Your life still sucks.'" -- Quinn 

"My brother-in-law said, 'This country took a shit when it gave women equal rights. It says all MEN were created equal.'" -- Michael 

"Somebody said 'I hate those Irish Catholics.' Three of us at the table were Irish Catholic." -- Jimmy

"My old white stepdad said, 'How long does it take the blacks to do their hair up like that?'" -- Andrew

"My uncle said, 'Ship those dot-heads to where they came from.'" -- Tucker

"My uncle ran his fingers through my hair and rubbed all over my back and told me I was like a porcelain doll." -- Amanda

"My aunt said, 'You'd be such a pretty girl!' to her long-haired, 26-year-old son." -- Steve 

"Grandma said, 'I think my son is a Republican. If I'd have known that, I would've strangled him at birth.'" -- Kyle 

"'Any men in your life? No? Why do you think you're finding it so difficult?'" -- Jenny

"Dad's cousin blathered about 'illegal Latinos' using up 'our' government benefits. All in front of my Latino boyfriend." -- Tricia 

"I had a meltdown on my conservative father-in-law and brother-in-law and told them to keep their pieholes shut. I was the offensive one!" -- Carly 

"Baptist aunt handed me a letter after we talked about my atheism on Facebook. Just guessing it's offensive. Haven't read yet." -- Frank

"Regarding my trip to Afghanistan, my brother's girlfriend said, 'Did the cab drivers smell bad? They look like they'd smell just awful!'" -- Tim 

"My cousin said, 'I'm going to miss Twinkies. I blame the unions.'" -- Angelo 

"My mother-in-law told her whole family I'm just an 'egg incubator' for her grandchildren." -- Brandy 

"My stepdad when he realized we were talking about having seconds: 'Do you really wanna be THAT fatass?'" -- Tanya 

"I am becoming a teacher and there were a ton of anti-teacher statements slung my way. I packed up my pie and went home." -- Derisha 

"My brother yelled, 'Fuck you, I get the turkey carcass!'" -- Jeff 

"My father said, 'Obummer won because of them Hispanics.' Then he did a really bad impression of a person speaking Spanish." -- Alicia 

"My boyfriend asked, 'What are you NOT thankful for today?' His mom replied, 'Muslims.'" -- Sally 

"It involved the phrase 'making welfare babies.'" -- Jessica 

"I watched a mother say to her son, 'No one has ever broken my heart as much as you.' AWKWARD!" -- Tony 

"Uncle: 'If I put 50 soda cans in my Dumpster, within 10 minutes there will be 50 Chinks fishing around down there to get 'em.'" -- Karen 

"When we were cooking, my cousin said, 'You just scratched me, you stupid whore!'" -- Vanessa 

"I told my mom I was going to punch her. Then she told me she was going to kick me in the vagina." -- Brenda 

"My Army cousin talked about how the military's rape policy is biased against him." -- Frederick

"My 95-year-old grandfather said, 'I met a nice Afro today -- what, you kids don't use that term?'" -- Stacia 

"Aunt said, 'People with tattoos are degenerates who will never amount to anything.' I have 17 tattoos." -- Carla 

"Grandmother said, 'Oh, so you're still a little bit fat, I guess.'" -- Talia 

"My mom looked at twin fraternal babies and said to their mom, 'Wow, this one is definitely more beautiful than the other one!'" -- Patricia 

"My dad said, 'Blacks are our best athletes, in general.'" -- Lisa 

"I told my family, 'So you guys know I'm pretty broke this year. Would it be alright if I gave you some of my handmade pottery as gifts?' My aunt said, 'I don't know. I'd have to evaluate the quality first.' She was not kidding." -- Mallory 

And there you have it –- a veritable feast of fat-shaming, racism, guilt-tripping, disrespect and general batshittery. Work your nerves in the comments and share the most offensive, stupid, ridiculous, and inane crap you heard at your Thanksgiving table. Let's all join in the catharsis and heal our souls a little bit -- at least until Channukah/Christmas rolls around. 

Posted in Family Drama