What we learnt from Hollyoaks this week

THE HOLLYOAKS REPORT: A BRUNETTE LOVE TRIANGLE AND THE PERILS OF SELF-TANNING - Air date 18 June 2012
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THE HOLLYOAKS REPORT: A BRUNETTE LOVE TRIANGLE AND THE PERILS OF SELF-TANNING - Air date 18 June 2012

Robyn Wilder is watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to, as she explains here. Look, it seemed like a good idea at the time.

LSLL REPORTIt’s quite hard to sit through the five-episode Monday omnibus of Hollyoaks without dozing off, which is why much of what follows is imaginary. But at least I’m never alone - not when there’s a Lovely Sign Language Lady (LSLL) in the corner of my screen, so I will report on her every week, too. Last week a friendly but weary-looking older blonde lady in an amorphous green thing did the signing. Today it’s a young brunette in a nice red top. She brings to mind someone pleasant you might be introduced to at a party but never get the chance to talk to; a regional weathergirl; or a regional weathergirl’s sister.

THE SKINNYThis week the action centres on the hapless Riley and his nagging triumvirate of near-identical brunettes. With their fashionably thick eyebrows and weighty chocolate hair, I’m finding it supremely difficult to tell them apart, so I sort of sympathise with poor Riley.

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First there’s ballsy Mercedes McQueen, Hollyoaks’ answer to – simultaneously – Bet Lynch, Megan Fox and Wee Jimmy Krankie.

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Then there’s gentle Lynsey, who I’m pretty sure is at least one, if not two, of the Corrs.

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Finally, we have my favourite - scheming Mitzeee with three Es, who is basically Parker Posey.

And who are they all fighting over?

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Riley, a man so unmemorable that I’ve already forgotten him. Seriously, I remember I was going to post a picture of him, and then…. nothing. Was he wearing a hat?

Anyway, Mercedes, who was so cut up about Riley and Lynsey that she DEVELOPED GRIEF-TELEKINESIS, has perked right up. She clamps on a new pair of oversized hoop earrings and extends the olive branch to Lynsey, because of feminism and also sisterhood. And also to make Lynsey wonder if Riley is having it off with his housemate and cousin (ew) Mitzeee.

Cuh. Women. Paranoid Lynsey confronts Riley about Mitzeee(e?). Riley panics, decides to move in with Lynsey then (mystifyingly) gets Mitzeeeee fired.

Understandably rattled, Mitzeeeeeee drinks a bunch of wine and throws some glasses at the wall.

Riley walks in and is all WHAT’S ALL THIS MESS, so Mitzeeeeeeeeeee is like OH IT WAS MY STALKER LOL. And Riley believes her. Here she is, LYING to him:

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Eventually, Lynsey decides there’s only room for one brunette in Riley’s life and it’s not her, so she repacks the bags Riley has just packed, and turfs him out. But Mitzeeeeeeeeee is already on her way to the airport to go to her “new job in New York” (so the Megabus, then).Will Riley realise his feelings for Mitzeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee and stop her in time? Is Megabus still a thing?

LESSONS LEARNED THIS WEEK1. Men, try not to have three identical women on the go at the same time. Not for any moral reason, but because you’ll end up with broken glass EVERYWHERE.

2. If you MUST grow a handlebar moustache, you can ONLY have friends with silly facial hair, too:

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3. Never kiss a self-tanning machine:

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More next week!

*All images copyright Channel4.

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