I'm watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to, as I explain here. Please inform the relevant authorities.
LSLL REPORT This week's LLSL (lovely Sign Language lady) is, I think, a jolly Cockney bird from London’s famous East End. Here she is singing 'My Old Man's a Dustman', look:
THE SKINNY Last week on Hollyoaks, nervous nelly (and Sarah Michelle Gellar lookalike) Carmel had her face stabbed off by a faulty tanning lamp. When she wakes up in hospital and realises that she’s stuck with permanent facial scarring, she accelerates through the five stages of grief straight into pronounced mental distress:
Step one is denial. Step two is running away from hospital to spook a vicar in church. Hollyoaks episodes are only 30 minutes long, so Carmel bypasses steps three and four and goes straight to flirting with rooftop suicide:
“Everything looks so different from up here,” she whispers hauntedly from atop Hollyoaks’ one-storey hospital. Luckily gentle Lynsey’s on hand to talk her down and reassure her that even life with a Y-shaped scar is worth living. Then they go for a McFlurry (probably).
At this point I’d like to introduce a new feature I’m calling WHERE IS THE CANADIAN ELECTRONIC ARTIST GRIMES THIS WEEK?
This week the Canadian electronic artist Grimes is on a doorstep.
Meanwhile, last week’s brunette love triangle continues apace. Basically, right, Riley gets the shits. And because hearing someone’s gastrointestinal upset through a wall is so romantic, Mitzeee declares her love for him. By the time Riley realises he feels the same way, he’s drunk. And, because he only knows people whose names begin with M, he accidentally texts “I <3 U LOL x” to MERCEDES. What a knobend.
Eventually Riley and Mitzeee do manage to get together, but - wait – who’s that sleeping in RILEY’S bed?
Oh, it’s Mercedes. Oh, awkward.
LESSONS LEARNED THIS WEEK 1. At a loose end this evening? Why not watch yourself crying in a compact mirror?
2. Brendan Brady loves his teddy:
3. I am beginning to enjoy Hollyoaks. Help.
*All images copyright Channel 4.