I met Tucker Max a few years ago at small party Tim Ferris was hosting on a battleship. (See also: the most ridiculous introductory sentence I’ve ever written.) Listen, I don’t get the concept of an intimate gathering on a fully functioning WWII warship either, but my friend brought me as her +1 and whatever: open bar.
My friend told me Tucker was going to be there and while I was curious to meet the guy behind all of the drunken sexual encounter stories, I was also fully prepared to dislike him. I mean, sure I’d read some of his stories and found them to be funny, but clearly I wouldn’t actually like the person who partook in that sort of behavior. Plus, I was jealous of his success, so I basically had to hate him.
Of course, because life is the awful way that it is, Tucker was nothing like what I expected. Sure, he was cocky, but he was also inquisitive, intense and disarming. Plus, he was really smart. I know. So annoying.
Tucker and I are not great friends, by any means, but he has been one of the few people in my life who not only supports and understands my desire to be a published writer, but actually encourages me to make it happen. He doesn’t just say, “Yeah, you should do that,” he pushes me to do more and to do better. He calls me out on my bullshit. And he gives me amazing advice. (That I never take, which Tucker would probably say is because I’m scared, but that’s another post for another time.)
When I saw that Tucker had two new books coming out on February 7th, I thought it was the perfect opportunity to give him a call, catch up, and ask him “The Same 5 Questions We Always Ask.”
Daisy: You have a new book that just came out “Hilarity Ensues.” Tell me about it.
Tucker: Listen, in terms of content, I’m not going to reinvent the wheel. I’ve sold two million books. There are a couple of big things that are different. One, the Miss Vermont story is in it, which is the story that put me on the map originally. It’s the story about this pageant girl I dated. I wrote the truth about what happened with us. She got upset, so she and her mom sued me and it became this big first amendment case. I ended up winning the case, but I never updated the story. So I’m reprinting the story that was on my site, but I’m also going to put in everything my I originally left out.
The other one is what I think might be the funniest thing I’ve written. If you watch the movie based on my first book, there’s a scene when one of the characters is in jail and has to call the Tucker character collect. I thought it would be funny if he used my real phone number. I thought it wouldn’t be a big deal, but people figured it out.
Instead of calling me, a bunch of girls started sexting me. I’ve never been into sexting because I like to have real sex with real people. But then one day I was in a really bad mood and this persistent annoying girl was sexting me, so I started responding back to her with the cruelest, most ridiculous shit I could think of… and of course, she was totally into it.
By the time I was done, I was crying I was laughing so hard. I was trying to fuck this girl up and it was impossible. It was unbelievable.
Why do you think these women are drawn to you?
I mean, if you’re a smart person and you read the stories, I think you understand the subtext and the context and that the guy writing this is just like any other fun guy who goes out drinking. This guy just happened to be able to write his stories down really well.
But I think if you don’t understand that, which unfortunately a lot of people don’t, then they take it at literal face value. People think I’m some drunken monster and that’s how I am all of the time. It’s ridiculous. But a lot of people are stupid and ridiculous.
What pills do you take every day?
The only stuff I take every day is Omega-3 fish oil. I take like ten of the big horse pills in the morning because I work out. I fight [MMA] a lot and it’s really hard on my body. Fish oil is one of the best anti-inflammatories and joint lubricants.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
I’m a dude; how would I fake an orgasm?
I guess if you were using a condom, you could fake an orgasm. But even without one, honestly? Girls can’t always tell what’s going on…
Guys can NEVER tell what’s going on! Come on… Look, as many times as I’ve hooked up, I’m sure I have. There’s definitely things I haven’t done, but I’d hate to say I’ve never faked an orgasm because I’m sure I have. I’ve probably written about it.
What haven’t you done?
I’ve never taken a dump on a girl’s chest or had a girl pee on me… I don’t know. There’s a lot of shit you can do that’s really fucked up that I’m not into.
Alright. Who’s on your celebrities to make out with list?
I’m a guy. I don’t want to “make out” with anybody. Either I put my penis in them or I don’t. There’s no making out with me. If you don’t want to have sex with me, that’s cool, but we’re not making out.
When I say I “made out” with someone, I assume people know that means sex. I’m in my 30s. Who makes out?
But Daisy, you’re a grown woman. If you’re dealing with 22 year old girls…
Okay. Then which celebrity do you want to have sex with?
The problem is I know how awful celebrities are as humans. If we’re talking just physical looks, I wouldn’t even know how to pick because almost any girl in that business is going to be stunning. Let me think. Who’s not horrible...
Well, you don’t have to talk to them afterward.
Well if I’m just going to shoot a load and leave, I can do that at home. Okay. You want someone famous who I would love to hook up with and I think is cool?
What’s the grossest thing in your bag?
Seriously, these questions were written for women weren’t they? [No. And aren't I being so open-minded by not putting any other notes in this post? Just spreading the love to all. Good post, Daisy. ] I have a backpack… what’s the grossest thing in it? I don’t know… my toothbrush?
What’s the weirdest thing you do when you’re alone?
I baby talk my dog, but I do that in front of other people, too. I walk around my apartment naked a lot, but I think a lot of people do that. If there’s no one at my place, you can pretty much assume I am naked.
If there’s no one at my place, you can pretty much assume I’m wearing pajamas.
Okay, so this is the last book you’re writing…
There are two books. "Hilarity Ensues" and "Sloppy Seconds." I’m giving "Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers" away as a free e-book as a thank you to my fans for supporting me and buying my books. I think I’m pretty much the first author to give what would basically be a guaranteed best seller for free.
But this is the end. I did all kinds of stupid, fun shit when I was 25. I’m 35 now. I don’t do that shit anymore. I don’t really have anything else to write about. I have plenty of great stuff in my life but none of it is stuff people who want to read fun drunk stuff would care about.
So what does that mean?
I honestly don’t know. The only thing I do know is that I’m not going to write any more “fratire” stories. I’m leaving that genre behind.
"Hilary Ensues" is available in stores and online. The ebook of "Sloppy Seconds" is available for FREE on Amazon Kindle and Apple iBooks. (It’s not available on the Nook because Barnes & Noble refused to give it away for free.)