Hey friends, it's your old pal Lesley. In between all the actual work we do here at xoJane, Olivia occasionally sends me trailers and then we talk about them. Because that's what trailers are for.
It occurred to us that the awesome xoJane community might be interested in our witty comments -- or maybe you want to share your own -- so we're trying out a new column called Trailer Time. Olivia came up with that name. I think it's brilliant. We hope you like it too. On to the trailers!
Olivia: I had a tape of this musical with Bernadette Peters on Broadway that I used to play, alternating nights with "Moonwalker." I wasn’t even that into musical theater when I was young (lie) but this one just really touched me. I LOVE ME A GOOD GOTH BABE THO, and it looks like Meryl Streep is pretty ready for this. What’s meaner than a completely fabricated Anna Wintour? A real life witch.
Also stoked to see Anna Kendrick because I kinda liked that cup song (I can’t believe I just said that) and she can sing. Also, Johnny Depp may or may not play the perviest character in all of musical theater, The Wolf. In case you missed the Bernadette Peters version of "Into The Woods," the Wolf has his junk WAY OUT the whole time, and because it’s on stage nobody says boo because it’s high art. I can’t wait to see how they cover up his wang in the feature. They did a good job hiding the Wolf in the trailer, so you know this is going to be awesome.
Lesley: Being a person without much of a background in musical theater, I’m looking at this trailer as purely a superficial enterprise, and I really like it. Meryl Streep, of course, but I also like that extreme renaissance man James Corden is in it, I like that it’s smashing together fairytales as is so super hip right now (as an aside, can we get a film version of Castle Waiting? Please?), and I bet it’s gonna be super pretty eye candy, which is the most I expect from movies these days.
Also, Olivia’s reference above is actually the third place I’ve seen mention of the Wolf character’s junk, and I’ve only read about this film two other places, so I guess that’ll be a thing to look forward to. I’m glad I read about it in advance though, because otherwise I would have been very confused when I saw the movie.
Olivia: So, did you know that Daniel Radcliffe is my #2 crush in the universe (Jason Segel still, and forever, holding it down at #1)? That is not to say that this is the only reason why this trailer is totally awesome, and maybe a movie made for cult classic status. It starts out something like "Gone Girl" and then...well, he grows horns. Then it seems like sh*t goes ape CRAY and movie fun ensues.
I really feel like Daniel Radcliffe was just like “Yeah, why not. This rules.” and signed the contract. And oh BOY am I happy he did because I’ll be seeing this opening night.
Lesley: There’s like a thousand sex jokes to be made about Daniel Radcliffe with horns, but he still looks like a fetus to me so I can’t make any of them. Honestly this is the first time ever I’ve referred to an adult boy as a fetus but it feels super apt here. And it’s not just because of Harry Potter. I want Daniel Radcliffe to move beyond Harry Potter, because he is a fine actor. I just can’t see him as a sexual being. (Is that the opposite of slut shaming?)
Also I feel like this movie might be trying to look like "True Blood" a little, but maybe that’s just because there seem to be some scenes in bars and there’s a hot waitress. I don’t watch "True Blood," but my husband does, and I am sometimes in the room when it's happening, and "True Blood" to me is all brow-furrowed misunderstood glowering dudes in tight knit shirts going into and leaving bars. And having sex. Daniel Radcliffe is so going to have sex in this movie. BUT HE’S A FETUS.
(Note: Olivia got really mad at me for the above, and I quote: "BECAUSE YOU CAN’T CALL HIM A FETUS AT OUR WEDDING.")
Olivia: Um. I don’t care about this movie. Sorry nerds, I’m not on board. It may be because one day the TNMT production company inquired about using my apartment for a scene, and I got excited because I’d get to meet my kinda-idol Megan Fox. They decided not to, so now I hate this movie.
Love the dubstep in the trailer though, super appropriate. I’ll be skipping this one though.
Lesley: I have been open to the possibility of being into this movie. I watched a LOT of animated Ninja Turtles as a kid. I still get the original theme song stuck in my head at least once a month. But honestly, I can’t see how it won’t be terrible. There’s a slim chance it might be terrible in an enormously entertaining way, but I’m not holding out much hope. Besides, I hate giving money to Michael Bay.
Also, there’s something really, REALLY creepy about how the turtle faces are animated. The teeth are just… wrong? I don’t know. Shudder.
Olivia: FROM THE BRILLIANT HOUSE OF PERFECT MOVIES, A24, comes Kevin Smith’s new freakshow "Tusk." I have no idea what this is other than it is about a nerd with a podcast who gets turned into a walrus by some old guy in a spooky house. I love the guy from "He’s Just Not That Into You" (I don’t know his real name, Lesley will tell you) and the Apple ads. He’d probably make a pretty hot walrus. Wait, look at it. He could, RIGHT? Can’t wait for this one though.
Oh, and Haley Joel Osment. *Mic Drop*
Lesley: Sometimes I think Kevin Smith is part of a vast alien conspiracy to prank humanity. It’s the most feasible explanation for a dude who says, “HEY I’M QUITTING FILMMAKING,” and it’s all over entertainment news and people take it really seriously and then a few years later he’s all, “PSYCH HAHA JUST KIDDING,” and everyone’s just like “Oh OK cool.”
AND THEN he’s all, “Also my return to directing will be a movie in which Justin Long is surgically altered into a walrus,” and people just sort of laugh nervously because they’re not sure if he means it, until he says, “OH AND IT’S NOT EXCLUSIVELY A COMEDY BUT ALSO A HORROR FILM,” and by now most of the room has emptied and those who are left are backing away slowly.
There’s a joyfulness to the work of anyone who can get away with making these kinds of bonkers life decisions.
Got any new movies you're excited about? Tell us about them in comments, and we might get to those trailers in a future edition of Trailer Time.