Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes reach divorce settlement. This musical's going to be really boring now

...erm, I mean how dignified and grown up of them.
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Publish date:
July 10, 2012
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Suri Cruise, tom cruise, katie holmes

We still don't know who's going to keep Tom's evil lair on his secret island in the shape of his head

What happened to the big fight in court over 'The Battle For Suri Cruise's Soul'? I had Team Holmes T shirts made up. I had a whole bunch of Scientology jokes primed and ready to use. I'd already written the musical.

But it looks like Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have selfishly decided to play their divorce out in private, reaching a settlement just two weeks after their split was announced.

Holmes' lawyer Jonathan Wolfe spilled the beans: 'The case has been settled and the agreement has been signed,' he said.

'We are thrilled for Katie and her family and are excited to watch as she embarks on the next chapter of her life.

'We thank Tom's counsel for their professionalism and diligence that helped bring this speedy resolution.'

It's currently unknown if Katie will walk away with any of her crazy ex's £180 million fortune, or if she was able to get sole (soul - geddit?) custody of Suri. However, Tom's lawyers have confirmed that he will be keeping the couple's collection of alien ray guns.