TV ads drive me up the wall. They make me screech “Why would you even BUY a kebab from McDonalds?” or “Your name’s not GIULIETTA, it’s UMA, and I’m not sure which is worse” at the television. Basically my neighbours like me a lot better now that I have a TiVo. Here are three adverts aimed at women that I find genuinely, capillary-explodingly enraging, Excuse me for a moment, I need to bite down on something.
1. Perle de lait
A woman who lives in Ikea is throwing a lunch. The theme is “wear your favourite pastel chinos!” and all the food and drink is imaginary. While the hostess fetches dessert, her guests snoop around trying to find out how she “does it”. They look in one of her drawers - does she “do it” in there? No? How about a bin? Does she “do it” in some moisturiser?
Back at the table, “dessert” turns out to be tiny amounts of Just Some Rubbish Yoghurt. Rattled, her guests beg her to tell them her “secret”. She replies “LAYDIZ”. Ah, her secret is ladies. That explains all the coy lady- glances ine the beginning:
Their strapline: Pleasure makes you beautiful. My strapline: Lesbians serve you yoghurt.
2. Twinings teaTwinings used to let Stephen Fry sell their tea, but now they use an HRT reimagining of The Snowman instead:
Yep, a shipwrecked yummy mummy washes up on the Lost island, and is immediately captured by an evil clone who turns her into a cup of tea THEN DRINKS HER. Brr.
Their strapline: Get back to you. My strapline:
3. Jennifer Lopez Venus advert
Jennifer Lopez is living the dream. Specifically that dream where you wear some tinsel then manhandle someone else’s children on a beach. But listen to the actual words that she’s actually saying: “Goddess is when you put your best foot forward, FOLLOWED BY YOUR MOST BEAUTIFUL LEG.”
Their strapline: Reveal the goddess in you My strapline: Okay, so I cut off my LEAST beautiful leg. Now what?
Just to clarify, those adverts are for YOGHURT - you know, bland, nothingy yoghurt; TEA, which is a basic right; and a TINY KNIFE. If I were in charge of advertising, commercials would be aimed at people like me - the sort of people who sometimes find an old single sock in a pair of jeans they’re already wearing:
BUY TEABECAUSE YOU ARE OUT OF TEA
MUFFIN TINS!BECAUSE ONCE A YEAR YOU WILL CONVINCE YOURSELF YOU CAN BAKE
TEARJERKERS (or ‘CRY-PORN’)
BECAUSE SOMETIMES YOU HAVE PMS AND NEED TO CRY ABOUT SOMETHING AND YOU DON’T WANT IT TO BE BRAN FLAKES AGAIN
*I don’t actually OWN The Bridges of Madison County, but I DO have PhotoShop. Can you tell?
YOU'RE WELCOME ADVERTISING.