You can shame me into sanctioning pretty much anything by telling me I'm being "uptight." I find this goes for most women, because not having a sense of humor is about as attractive in a girl as having a bat stuck in your hair.
Seriously: the next time you're arguing with a woman -- whether you're debating spanking your children, if hunting is okay if you make a hat out of what you kill, or if you drank a whole gallon of milk in an hour -- try telling her she's being "uptight" and she will probably take your side.
Still, a couple of things in this year's Summer Movie Comedies made me feel ... uptight. In fact, I felt like I was in the back of a 1951 Crown Victoria with Summer Movie Comedies, and Summer Movie Comedies was like, "C'mon, laugh at my fat joke. OK, OK, just hold it for a minute."
So here are a few of the things in our current crop of summer comedies that make me feel weird to laugh at.
Whoa! Are we still allowed to laugh at Asian people confusing Ls and Rs? I mean, I talk a lot about how "Breakfast at Tiffany's" was totally racist, but that's mostly when my ex boyfriend's new girlfriend was Holly Golightly for Halloween. Still! I felt prettttty weird about this.
Women Who Like Sex
Some women want to have sex so much! Which makes me feel weird to laugh at, like when women want to sex men so bad they tear off their shirts in public. Or when an actress who has a very successful career is in a movie strictly to blow Jason Sudeikis? This is funny because in real life, women are like, "Whoa, I'm not trying to blow Jason Sudeikis. I'd spill this McCafe."
See above, I think. Sure, OK. Raping women is sometimes considered so unfunny that it's reeeeally funny to joke about, like putting babies in a Cuisinart. But apparently raping men is funny. Especially if a hot lady or a funny gay fellow is doing the raping? I don't know. I feel like maybe sometimes men don't want to be raped, even if it IS by somebody extremely attractive. Like, if they're in a committed relationship, or bloated from a big lunch or they just generally don't feel like being raped that day. Which brings me to...
Gay People Hitting on Straight People
Believe me, NOTHING is funnier to me than watching somebody try to mince and assault at the same time. Because it's like walking and chewing gum, you know? Whenever I see like a big burly lesbian lick her lips at a disinterested heterosexual lady, or see some homosexual florist give an exaggerated wink to a George-Wendt, vagina-loving type, I lose it! But I don't feel good about it.
When young white guys who went to NYU write a part in "Quickie Mart" dialect for Pakistani/Indian characters, it kind of makes me feel the same way as when a white dad does a Black Guy voice.
Sassy Black Dialect
As a white woman, I've felt deprived for years that there's no real comedic value in me going MMMMM HMMMMM in a moment of period-drama comeuppance. Thankfully, white women can now write this kind of hugely broad dialect for money. The best part about white women writing dialect for sassy black women is that you can't see that they're white. When I write my screenplay where a sassy black lady calls a white girl "honey chile," all you hear is the authenticity of my dialogue.
Well, apparently, you're fair game, Asians! What are you gonna do?
Am I wrong here?