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I recently interviewed Roseanne Barr on my Sirius XM show, and then she answered all of your questions and The Same Five Questions We Always Ask. She gave such awesome answers that I wanted to make out with her and maybe even marry her, which you know is my biggest fear. See this awesome lady on "Roseanne's Nuts" on Wednesdays at 9:00PM on Lifetime.
Jane: What is the closest you've ever come to being arrested?
Roseanne: I have been arrested. For hitchhiking in Denver, Colorado and went to jail for it. Jesus, that was in the early '70s. We all used to hitchhike. But it was against the law. I hitchhiked cross-country. I don't recommend it. If my kids would try to do that, I'd chain 'em in the basement. It was so -- I shouldn't say positive.
But when I did it, you know, it was so fun. I didn't have a dime in my pocket. I have to thank a lot of great truckers. I love truckers. They'd take me and my girlfriend and they'd buy us breakfast and we just rode in trucks and heard great stories, coast to coast. Nothing bad ever happened. Nobody was ever a creep or crazy like they are now.
You wanna hear a scary story? You know Debbie Harry? The great Debbie Harry. Well, she told me that one time -- she used to hitchhike, too -- one time she got in a car with this guy in a Volkswagon. Five years later she saw it on TV, and it was Ted Bundy. She could tell he was trying to get somewhere mentally with her, get her into a mental state. She was like, "I'm outta here!" You know Debbie.
Jane: I would've gone right along with him.
Roseanne: You think you'd be a victim?
Jane: Of course.Because I like to take care of people. I'm codependent. So I would have seen him with his fake cast and that little VW bug and I would have been right over there like, "Oh, how can I help?"
Roseanne: That's what happened to a lot of poor girls, but I'm codependent too, and I realized it when I was looking at my boyfriend Johnny. I go, you know, I think I need an enabler.
Jane: What's the weirdest thing you do when you're alone?
Roseanne: Twitter nude. Oh, here's my Twitter: @therealrosanne. It won't give me a blue [verified] check, so stop asking me why I don't have a blue check or I'll ban you. They won't give me one. They stole my name, Rosanne Barr. And I'm like you, I don't own my name. I'm gonna sue her [the person who has that Twitter handle].
Remember Andy Kaufman? "I'm from Hollywood. Do you understand what that means?" I'll own you and I'll have Twitter by the time I get my lawyers on your ass. They hold your name hostage. It's like identity theft. What the hell? I'm not gonna pay 'em. They're like, "It'll cost you $50,000 for your name." F you! I don't have to pay for my name. Goddamn pirate. You know what I mean? Don't get me started.
Jane: What pills do you take every day?
Roseanne: None. I can't remember to take my vitamins either. I wish I could remember to take pills every day. I paid $1,000 for vitamins -- I never take 'em. I can't remember anything.
Jane: Is there anything else you can't do?
Roseanne: My hips are bad. I think I need a hip replacement. That's why I can't do that "Dancing with the Stars" shit.
Jane: Oh, you'd be so brilliant on that too.
Roseanne: I really wanna do that show.
Jane: Who is on your celebrities to make out with list?
Roseanne: Oh Jesus. Cher. If I get married again I wanna marry Cher. I'm in love with Cher. I would love to -- no, maybe not make out with her. I'd like to hang out with her and marry her, but I don't know about making out with her. I have a thing about kissing and germs. I don't like to shake hands or kiss. So, I don't know. But I think Cher is fascinating. And guy-wise -- who's my guy crush? I have a lot of those. Paul Sculfor. There's a picture of me and Paul. Yeah. I just stared at Paul. He's pretty handsome. He's gorgeous. He's the new somebody. So he can get a discount on luggage. I'm so thrilled. But he's gorgeous. I like Rachel Weisz's husband. What's his name? Daniel Craig. I think he's hot too. He's very masculine. Russell Crowe -- even though he's crazy, I love Russell Crowe. I think I would make out with Russell Crowe except his nose is too long so it would poke you. You know when you're making out … the long nose, that wouldn't be good.
I shouldn't say I'd make out with anyone 'cause I have the best, most handsome boyfriend in the world. I've never seen a more handsome man than my boyfriend or met a more interesting man. He's the one, for real. In the morning when I see him, I'm so happy. I like him. I don't hate him. It's been 8 years, and I still don't hate him. I've seen him every day for 8 years, talked to him every day for 8 years, and I still like him.