I don’t know if you’d noticed, but it’s the Olympics soon, and advertisers are snaring Olympic athletes to sell face cream, hair products and tampons to the rest of us.
And that’s only fair, because next year I plan to launch the patented Robyn Wilder Cheeseburger-Press/Thigh-Toner combination system right back at the athletes. It’s going to be massive.
Anyway, here’s Olympic cyclist Victoria Pendleton for Pantene Pro-V:
Wow. I haven’t felt this aggressively patronised by a beauty commercial since Rachel Weisz barked IT WORKS at me for L’Oreal.
But, frankly, Rachel Weisz can DO ONE because NOW I’m being physically intimidated by none other than British Olympic cyclist Victoria Pendleton!
To be among the best, Victoria Pendleton has to train for 30 hours a week! It’s TORTURE on her hair. AND she wants to “shine as a woman”.
I’m so athletically humbled that I don’t even know what that MEANS. Let’s find out:
Man, I hope Victoria Pendleton reaches Mordor soon. She looks FREEZING. From the looks of things, though, that little shit from the Hovis advert should be along soon with some picturesque retro bread, so at least Victoria Pendleton can carb-load.
You often hear about endurance athletes hitting “the wall” during training and having to push through it. Here it looks as though Victoria Pendleton’s wall is made of hair. Is British Olympic cyclist Victoria Pendleton really going to EAT her HAIR? I hope not, because then she’ll need…
SUPPOSITORIES! But Victoria Pendleton is an ATHLETE. I bet suppositories don’t faze HER. I bet she blasts right through suppositories the way she blasts through blisters and saddle burn. Slightly unconventionally, it looks like Victoria Pendleton likes to throw her suppositories into a glass of water. Okay. Whatever gets you through the night, Victoria Pendleton.
Hooray! Victoria Pendleton has won the Hunger Games! Is she shining as a woman, too? I’m not sure. Is it something to do with her armpit?
Well, you know what? I think MY wall is made of hair, too. I mean, I went up to level 2 on the cross-trainer for 30 seconds this morning and it was nearly the end of me.
So here I am throwing a big-ass Vitamin B12 capsule (I couldn’t find any suppositories at this hour) into some water. This is a move that shall be known hereon as THE PENDLETON.
Look! My hair wall is all tamed AND I have CAKE! The Victoria Pendleton system works! Also I’m shining as a woman, but in my defence it is VERY humid right now.
Oh wait, that was a shampoo advert? I don’t get it.