Predicting This Year's Oscars Based On Nothing But The Posters

Blow me away, art department!!! OR ELSE.
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Julieanne
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Blow me away, art department!!! OR ELSE.

As I'm wont to do, I recently got into a heated conversation with a strange old man in a bar about movies. He confessed that he wasn't terribly excited about Oscar season, since (ready?) 1. Awards don't mean anything, and 2. "No judgment," but based on the posters, there's nothing good this year.Just to give you some context, he was wearing one of those unbleached hemp shirts. Not that that's a relevant detail in any way. But as long as we're judging things based on their covers, his was buttoned halfway and smelled like vegetables.Despite, uh, the Oscars, I still get excited for awards season, because it's generally when the studios heap some their best offerings and festival snags and Sunday-afternoon-with-Mom-cry-porno upon us, like so much wintry movie spaetzle. I don't want to think that there's "nothing good," because then I will not have movies to watch and I will be forced to learn a trade. So let's take a closer look at a few of the posters and see if we can't make some awards predictions based on them, like our rash friend in sustainable fabrics.

For our consideration? More like for our snap judgment:

melancholia

Melancholia

I actually feel like I had a hand in making this movie, because I was the one who took Lars von Trier to see "Bridesmaids." Halfway through he leaned over to me and said, "Julieanne, I love this but I just wish they had tortured the women." Then he went, "Open up!" and tossed a Junior Mint in my mouth.

We Need to Talk About Kevin

we%2520need%2520to%2520talk%2520about%2520kevin

No, actually, let's never. Jesus night terror Christ. Take all the Oscars! Just please, please, no Kevin.

Moneyball

moneyball

This is a movie about Brad Pitt being hot again, right? Look, I'm  biased here because I love baseball and I've had sex with Brad Pitt, but I give this poster 8 out of 10 Oscars based solely on the way his mouth is just sliiiiiightly agape, like a really attractive shed. (You can still get free tickets here!)

the-ides-of-march-poster02

The Ides of March

It's a shame that we now have the technology to create a half-Gosling half-Clooney, but it reads TIME.

fireflies

Fireflies in the Garden

"Sometimes a family must come apart so it can come together"??? That sounds very violent! I'm just going to assume this is some kind of "Children of the Wheat" horror prequel and that Julia Roberts is Malachai's nanna, Malachina. 10 thumbs up.

iron%2520lady

The Iron Lady

Is this movie just two hours of Meryl Streep looking like Madeleine Albright being discreetly pleasured under a desk? If so I will watch it! Look for me in the row behind the high school French teacher in a handpainted scarf.

the%2520skin%2520i%2520live%2520in

The Skin I Live In

From the art, you might assume this is about your ex-boyfriend's sleeve tattoos. But it's Almodovar, so you can safely assume that "skin" refers to the kind on the vagina. Of a mother. Is the academy ready for a whole movie about a mother's vagina skin?

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J. Edgar

Jesus, another zany Leonardo DiCaprio comedy. When will he give the people something they want? Somebody give this man a role in which he can brood.

the%2520descendants

The Descendants

I just assume this is about the band, because I refuse to do any research. But, George Clooney is pretty  charming, so why the hell not? Oi oi oi, Academy.

tinker%2520tailor

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Gary Oldman kind of looks like Madea here. Sold!