I’ve just got back from holiday. It was brilliant. Not because it was warm (it wasn’t) or because anyone would deliver me room service (they wouldn’t), but because nobody spoke any English. It was brilliant.
Seven solid days of not watching the news or understanding television or being able to figure out what anyone was saying at all. To reiterate, it was brilliant.
And then I came home. And everything immediately stopped being brilliant. And it’s your fault. It’s specifically all your fault. Look at you, reading this when you should be working, pointlessly killing time before the next appropriate window for you to shove a cake into your face.
Look, please don’t take this the wrong way, but I’d quite like you to shut the fuck up. In fact, no, that goes for all of you. I’d like everyone to shut the fuck up, please. [Stuart - you appear to be attempting to talk yourself out of a writing gig here, internet noise is our biz. And everyone else ignore him, please don't shut up, and keeping sending all your great posts, tweets and comments. Plsthx --Rebecca]
Here’s why I want you to shut the fuck up. From what I could tell, literally only two things happened when I was away – Suzanne Moore made a crap reference to transsexuals in a column about something else, and Jodie Foster said some words at a thing.
You know how I know they happened? Is it because I saw them happen first-hand? No. Because I read a report about them in a newspaper? No. Because I read an opinion piece about them the following day? No. It’s because I read an opinion piece about an opinion piece about a blog about a tweet about a comment left under an opinion piece about a report.
And it hasn’t stopped. I wrote this on Friday, right after reading a new newspaper column laying into another newspaper column for its reaction to an MP’s reaction to a column reacting to tweets that reacted to a column.
I’d call it a circlejerk, but that’s too simplistic. It’s more like something you see at one of those horrible South East Asian sex clubs, where a contortionist is beating off six different people with her feet at once, and then someone comes along and eats up the mess, and then squirts it out of their bum, and it lands in someone else’s mouth but they’re too busy playing table tennis with their vagina and shitting onto a midget’s chest to notice. You get the idea.
Anyway, my point is that this constant human centipeding of half-baked opinion isn’t doing anyone any good. So I propose a compromise: let’s just all shut the fuck up.
I’m so bored of listening to you. Since Jodie Foster gave her sort-of coming out speech at the Golden Globes two Sundays ago, I’ve read pieces saying that it happened, pieces saying that she was right to come out, pieces saying that she was wrong to come out, pieces saying that she deserves privacy, pieces saying that she doesn’t deserve privacy, pieces that she was fundamentally right to come out but shouldn’t have requested privacy and probably 400 other pieces that I can’t remember because I was too busy punching myself in the face and they were all exactly the same anyway and oh what’s the point of anything I literally hate you all.
Look, I understand why this happens. If you’re a professional columnist, it’s hard to think up new ideas all the time, so you may as well write about something that’s happened. And if you’re a blogger with designs to eventually become a professional columnist, you know that reacting to someone else’s column in a slightly overdramatic way is the best way to get noticed on Twitter.
And if you’re leaving comments for free underneath a blog or a column, telling the world how much your recycled opinion differs from the author’s opinion... well, I’m fucked if I know. Seriously, that’s a bit weird. [Gah! Ignore him, comments are our oxygen! --Rebecca]
But enough’s enough. This has to stop. It’s like playing Chinese Whispers, but in an echo chamber with millions of dickheads who don’t understand the point of Chinese Whispers and have decided that they hate everyone else, and are also too busy masturbating as violently as they can to have any real idea about what’s actually going on.
You know what’d be better than that? Everyone just shutting the fuck up. It’s white noise. Your columns and posts and comments and tweets are adding to nothing to anything. Even this, this thing you’re reading now, is guilty of every single point I’ve made.
It’s half-baked and reactionary and utterly without merit. It’s just the latest turd on the pile. I’m amazed you’re still reading it, in fact. It’s worthless. There isn’t a single good thing about it. Stop it. Stop reading this instant. You’re still reading, aren’t you? Stop it. Stop.
Fine then, I’ll take my own advice. Even though it’s shit advice. Look what you people have done to me.
Stuart will be promoting this latest turd on the pile via Twitter @stuheritage.