The Worst Movies I Have Actually Had Sex While Watching

Are we really going to do this during "The Pianist"?

Oct 18, 2011 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

image

Candles, chocolate-covered strawberries, "The Way You Look Tonight"-- these are all things that have no place in my sexin'. When it comes time to get down, I turn to movies.

Yes: there are some that will definitely lead to sex times. But there are some that will definitely lead to hastily remembered morning meetings or that thing where you pause and look at eacho ther like, "Are we really going to do this during 'Ordinary People'?"

But I still always try to set the mood with BluRay because: a) it's a reason to dim the lights that doesn't make you seem quite as crazy as screaming "DON'T LOOK AT MUH LOVE HANDLESSSSS!" and taking a baseball bat to all of your light fixtures; b) I love dropping subtle hints, like, "Want to come over to my house and only watch about 5 minutes of  'Blue Valentine'?"and c) it's a lot more polite than telling someone "I don't have a whole lot to talk to you about, but that doesn't mean I won't let _______ my ________ with your __________."

Unfortunately, sometimes your get-down times fall prey to the mercy of a fanboy's DVD collection (it's not always me!), or, worse, whatever happens to be playing on TBS.

Here are some of the worst film choices I've put up with doing the dirty to:

"Kids"

Once upon a time, I dated a very handsome, very stupid boy, who would later serve as the reason behind my current pre-coital differential equation policy. A few weeks into our groping sessions, we had one of our few real dates -- he put some pasta on the stove, dimmed the lights and popped in a VHS. (VHS!)  It would follow that a movie about kids having sex, drinking 40s and doing drugs would be a perfect mood-setter for some kids drinking 40s and about to have sex, but unless you find the devastation on Chloe Sevigny's face when she learns she's HIV+ to be arousing, it's a pr-etty... pr-etty awkward nookie watch. I sure felt weird about 40 minutes later when I realized the beej I was working so hard on happened to coincide with an on-screen rape scene. Egg on my face!


"Requiem For a Dream"

Yes. Yes I did. Like most of my hookups, this began with a butt massage. What can I say -- I've got an ass that makes it look like I'm hiding tetherballs in my tights, so it's really only rude if I say no when a gentleman asks to ease my posterial tension. I always say that once you've given a girl a butt massage, you might as well be inside her, so this hipster booty connoisseur and I started working toward that goal. Then, above whatever sounds one might associate with butt-palming, comes a chorus of men chanting "Ass to ass!" at Jennifer Connelly and her partner in smack-hoing. And really, once those magical words have been uttered, your butt-massage relationship has lost its innocence. There's no going back.

"The Dreamers"

Let me preface this by saying that in an effort to avoid seeing spoilers, I often make the mistake of not reading the Wikipedia or IMDB entries for a movie before I watch it. And sometimes that means the only facts I'll know about a movie are that Michael Pitt co-stars with Eva Green's boobs in it. To be fair, "The Dreamers" has a lot of sex in it, everyone speaks French throughout the whole thing, and all of the actors are incredibly good-looking, so if you mute about half of the movie and choose to ignore that the plot's so incesty Basement Dad had some real reservations about it, you're good to go.

"The Bucket List"

Included because this movie actually enhanced the experience. Maybe it was the fact that, hey, we're all going to die some day. Seriously. Watch this the next time you're trying to reignite The Spark. "The Bucket List": sexy as hell.