I Want To Get in James Franco's Velvet Movie Pants

10 movie tie-ins I am delighted to know exist.

Aug 24, 2011 at 10:14am | Leave a comment

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You may know one of the "Rules of the Internet" that dictates that if something exists, there is a porn version of it. This disturbing truth extends from everything from beloved sci-fi franchises to, oh, I don't know, the Microsoft Word paperclip and lawn chairs.

Movie memorabilia is a lot like that rule  -- if it exists in a film, there is a replica of it. And you can buy it! I looked at Amazon, Etsy, and a bunch of  sites with a GIF of a dragon breathing smoke at the top of the page to find some of the more unusual reproductions, just for you. So grab your inheritance and let's go!

Invisibility cloak. "Harry Potter."

Yo, with all due respect? Unless there's been some kind of massive leap in military technology that Skymall's best spies have stolen, a non-invisible "invisiblility cloak" is just "a cloak."

Imitation Gary Oldman, "Hannibal"

The only thing better than having Gary Oldman is probably owning a replica version of Gary Oldman's mangled face. This is a mask that you can wear, or make out with. This is going to look great in my Gary Oldman's Face collection, between "Upsetting 'Scarlet Letter' Remake Gary" and "Sexy Beethoven Gary."

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Eye of Sauron Incense Burner, "Lord of the Rings."
"Andy! It's mom. Knock knock! I brought up your laundry! Andy, what's that smell? Peeeew! Andy! It smells like microwave chimichangas. Can I come in? Are you taking your dishes to the sink or are you just putting them under your bed? I'm coming in! What's this cartoon you're watching? Oh my god, is that a girl and some kind of octop--" "MOM GET OUT OF MY ROOM!.. W...W...W...dot... skymall ... dot com..."

James Franco's Velvet Pants, "Tristan and Isolde."
Can we just have a good laugh over some "getting in James Franco's pants" joke. Ha ha ha, it feels good to laugh.

Sword replicas, "The Princess Bride."

While it's not super shocking that there are weapon replicas from "The Princess Bride," I can't get over the price here. Who the heck is going to pay almost a G so that they can reenact the whole "I am not left handed" bit with a friend? I mean, I'll totally be that friend for you, hypothetical insanely rich person. Do you have a pool?

Man's arm band, "Avatar."
If this arm band could talk, it would say, "Good evening, I'm a piece of turquoise arm jewelry based on a cartoon movie. Oh, also, did I mention? I'm for a dude."

Mints, "Resident Evil."

"Why of course I'll make out with you, let me just freshen my breath with a 'Resident Evil' mint come back where are you going?"

Dagger of Time, "Prince of Persia"

Again, what's so surprising about this is not that it was made but that there's a market for it. "Time Dagger! Take me back to a time before I spent my tax return on a 'Prince of Persia' dagger!"

The Scent of Billy Dee Williams, "The Empire Strikes Back."
This is a bottle of body spray wearing a tiny cape. Pardon, "limited edition" cologne wearing a tiny cape. It is described as "a potent mix of mandarin warmed with incense and lotus flower, exotic woods, dark violet and sensuous musk." You had me at "potent."

Faux vampire sparkle, "Twilight."
I'm glad Amazon has a customer discussion forum, because, can I use this as lube?

(And, you're welcome! Remember, kids, buying non-official merchandise is for criminals and people who don't care about certificates of authenticity.)