Channing Tatum has been in my newsfeed a lot recently and I'm not complaining because I think he is a national treasure. First, I gazed upon this adorable snap of him giving his wife, Jenna Dewan Tatum, a pedicure.
Then, I saw a bunch of stuff about how she gave him a horse for his birthday, because of course.
Those were two pretty excellent internet tidbits, but nothing comes close to the announcement that Tatum will be taking the Magic Mike franchise off of the screen and onto the stage at the Hard Rock Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas (coming at you March, 2017). The announcement was made via a puppy-packed YouTube video, which you can watch in its entirety below.
I'm not going to lie, it made me feel a lot of things, let's discuss them in chronological order:
Mirth: Because I am delighted by the idea that Channing has a "house full of hot men" that he "lives with everyday." I also enjoy that these hot housemates seem to actually just be hot maids that clean the Tatums' house and fold their laundry.
Eye rolly-ness: at "What if we created a world where women were given the same options as men have been given for centuries?" Like, I appreciate what you are trying to do here Channing, but I feel a little pandered to.
Joy: THIS DUDE WITH PUPPIES. I KNOW I AM BEING PANDERED TO AND I HAVE CEASED TO GIVE A FUCK.
Acceptance/Agreement: I mean, he has a point. There are way more options to see naked women than naked men. I've always said that male strippers "aren't my thing," but I've never actually seen one. Maybe I would enjoy them if they were presented as more than a bachelorette party gag.
In fact, I was just discussing this last night with a friend of mine at the bar. How is it that in the city of Portland -- the city known for having more strip clubs per capita than any other city -- I have never seen, heard of, or been invited to go visit a male strip club? We have a vegan strip club, for Pete's sake, and they only take two-dollar bills. If a gimmick like that can exist and thrive, why not a female-friendly male strip club?
It seems as if Channing and company are at least a little concerned about crafting a strip club experience that women will actually enjoy. But, as he so succinctly puts it in the announcement video, they "aren't mind readers," so they have created a nice little survey for the lady folk to fill out.
I was curious about the type of questions they would ask, so I gave them my name, phone number, and email address to get the scoop for YOU. I was not prepared for what followed. The whole thing was like a weird truth or dare meets Buzzfeed Quiz meets psychological evaluation. Some highlights:
These inspiring life paths
You have four choices ladies: you can be a geyser, a lonely rock, a pizza party, or a lady with large glasses and an injured cat. What a time to be alive. (I picked the pizza photo, duh.)
This Cold, Hard Truth
NO ONE UNDERSTAND.
This Glaring Omission
Where is the gin?
This Fun Moment
I was just being honest.
This Teachable Moment
There are many books you can read on this subject.
This Classic First Date Question
Whatever This Was
Can you have food without tacos?
This Moment of Zen
Please don't call me on the phone. I will not answer.
If you'd like to contribute your voice and help shape the future of the Magic Mike Live show, you may do so here. Just be warned: it takes forever, and it is not very satisfying.