"Why are you red right here?" Janice Dickinson asks, signaling my eyebrows. I explain that I had them tweezed and dyed earlier that day.
"No, no, no, no, no! They look amazing but no," she says. "You don’t have to suffer through this fucking posttraumatic stress. You have to thread them. Go find a Persian, Iranian, Armenian."
Dickinson is concerned about the redness. "Put some aloe vera on it and take arnica. And also pineapple, it reduces swelling," she tells me. "I know tips about everything."
Tell me about your new man.
I am desperately and hopelessly and madly -- I have finally found the one. I’m so in love. It took me half a century to find love and it can happen to you.
What's your advice on finding love?
Don’t settle. Just do not settle because you know what? After two children and being single, it’s about the fight, the struggle, and the speed bumps. Every morning I get up and I fight life.
How did you two meet?
I was out with my friend Steven in Los Angeles. I heard his voice before I saw his face and it was just magic from the tone of the voice to the tempo. I turned around and it was at that moment I just went woah. Then he stood me up the next night for dinner and I didn’t hear from him because he had to go away. He’s been in my life for several weeks now. I’m walking into walls. I’m dumbstruck with lovesick.
I can tell!
Lovesick is a great, great feeling at my age because I’ve also discovered hormone replacement. It’s a pellet that Dr. Parks from Pasadena, from Fair Oaks Women’s Health has injected in me.
Is that the new thing?
Hello! If I’d have known what I know now at your age! I’m giving you the hottest thing that will save women’s lives. If I’d have known this in my late 20s, 30s, 40s and 50s. You go to the hormone doctor, she checks your blood level, then you wait to see which hormone is going to be right for you. Did this thing pop? Tell him (her makeup artist) the neck tape popped. I use neck tape.
What does neck tape do?
Neck tape holds in the little turkey waddle. I don’t want to get surgery there. My neck tape popped! Whatever. A glam squad is mandatory. Jason is a makeup wizard who came down through the chimney; he’s my guy. And Jared does my hair. They make me feel really beautiful. All women have their insecurities.
What is the grossest thing in your bag?
Grossest? I must quit cigarettes. I have to say it’s toxic and it’s vile and I have to stop. I am sober today through the grace of god after 20 months of not having a pill or any alcohol.
That’s my next question, what pills do you take every day?
Omegas. Prevacid for my tummy every day because I drink soy lattes in the morning from Starbucks. I absolutely take a vitamin B complex 10,000 mg. I also take vitamin C. Dr. Drew Pinsky is my medical doctor and he got me sober. He just did and so did God and I’m in a program of recovery. I go every day.
Is there a motto that you live by?
Just for today. Breathe, breathe, breathe, meditate, breathe.
What’s the closest you’ve ever come to being arrested?
I did get arrested. I had a DUI and that wasn’t the cutest thing on the planet. I drank three very large glasses of red wine with all these rockstars up at a house in Southern California and I was way too skinny, now I’m heavier. I was rail thin. I got arrested and it was a nasty scene. I started beating up this lesbian police officer and it wasn’t the greatest thing.
Who’s on your celebrities to makeout with list?
No one. No one. Jessica Alba. She’s pretty. No I take that back. No, really not. My boyfriend has taken that out of me. It used to be I could crack names at you like marbles rolling down the hallway, but I cannot do that right now.
That’s how you know.
I just can’t even think like that.
Have you ever faked an orgasm?
Yes! Not anymore though, not with this guy. But we all do, anyone who says they don’t is a liar.
Follow Janice Dickinson on Twitter @janicedickinson.