I love making mixes. In high school, most of my disposal income was spent on blank CDs which I used to send elaborate messages to boys who would never understand them. To be fair, I put a lot of Ani DiFranco on those -- which I will fully admit was sending a mixed message on my part.
I still love making mixes, though more often than not, because of the passage of time, they are of the playlist variety. That said, I still haven’t stopped yelling “DJ BJ” as I strike a speaker-coup and force all and sundry to listen to the fearsome and excellently themed wonder I have wrought upon the world at large.
I won’t claim to have great taste. I will, however, proudly proclaim to like what I like. This meant that last Thanksgiving my entire family was trapped in a car with me and a mix that alternated turkey sound effects with songs described by one brother as being “like the soundtrack to some movie like 'Stand By Me’ but in a bad way" and by another brother as “almost the whitest thing I have literally ever heard.” To which I say, turn down for what?
I have never shared a mix of mine with you fine and foxy folks. That’s all about to change now. I’ve made you a little playlist. Like all of my great works, it has a theme. That theme is: Your Opening Credits.
That’s right, y’all. I’ve got good news. You’ve got a TV show airing, and it’s all about your life. Maybe the title sequence involves a tidal wave and you surfing it, collecting your friends all along the way, maybe sharks are there playing bass and some drums while wearing sunglasses (except for no because that’s mine). Are you strutting down the street in your opening credits? Walking away from an exploding building, unfazed? Maybe you’re buying everyone a round at the local bar?
Whatever it may be, I’ve got it here. We can discuss my fees for services rendered as a terrible musical consultant once you get picked up.
1.) David Bowie, Golden Years
In your show, you play a woman getting her groove back in the early summer in New York. During your credits you're wearing a red dress, and everyone is hollering at you, because daaayum girl.
2.) Kanye West, Flashing Lights
Your show is absurd and dark. In the credits, you are elegantly ghost riding the whip to this one. Your TV show is pretty edgy, and I respect that.
3.) Kate Bush, Wuthering Heights
Your show is about how you are a magical librarian who survived a nervous breakdown, and now works night solving gothic and supernatural crimes. Maybe I wish your show was the most real of all.
4.) The Cramps, Like a Bad Girl Should
You are smoking a cigar in your opening credits. You are sneering. You are dining and ditching and wearing amazing leather pants that I would like to borrow.
5.) Maximo Park, Apply Some Pressure
You and your best friend are trying to fix damage you’ve done to time and space by accidentally activating a time machine. Meeting Henry the 8th, accidentally feeding a dinosaur turkey jerky, escaping the evil corporation trying to capture you and steal the time travel machine -- shenanigans! Through all the madness you have each other. This may or may not be a pilot for a TV show I’ve written.*
6.) Amanda Palmer, Leeds United
You have a start-up online dating app that’s blown up, but you can’t get your life together. “And that’s okay.” LOL, I do not watch your show. But I download your theme song. This happened with me and "Grey’s Anatomy." #mirahforlife
7.) Mark Ronson ft. Amy Winehouse, Valerie
You’re a single mom who runs a bookstore. Your ex-husband is an affable ne’er do well trying to win you back, but you’re not having it. There’s a much younger man who comes into your shop to buy The Atlantic. He asks you out every time. Maybe this time you say yes? In my mind My Mad Fat Diary**’s Nico Mirallegro plays the much younger man. Seriously though. He can GET IT.
8.) The Rolling Stones, Happy
You’re an aging hippie whose main joy in life is being surrounded by your family in Southern California. So really you are Craig T. Nelson and this is "Parenthood." BONNIE BEDLIA FOR PRESIDENT.
9.) Beastie Boys, Sabotage
Your show is like ‘24’ meets ‘La Femme Nikita’ meets ‘Alias’ with added AWESOME. Your probably have great hair. Also sunglasses. You are also probably deeply damaged. But it’s okay, because you know parkour and are bested in witty ripostes only by Bruce Willis in any Die Hard Movie.
10.) Metric, Gimme Sympathy
You’re a blogger. You’re self-conscious and quirky and too sensitive. You have no trouble communicating when you write, but when you take it into real life there are seemingly impossible hurdles. But that just makes the excellent moments more excellent. SHUT UP YOU DON’T KNOW ME. Be quiet and go listen to this Spotify playlist I made for you.
What song will play during your opening credits?
*It totally is
** If you don’t know it - GO WATCH IT IMMEDIATELY AND THEN CALL ME AND WE CAN HUG EACH OTHER AND CRY ABOUT LIFE AND TIME AND BODY IMAGE AND LOVE AND STUFF