I Saw "Jurassic Park 3D" In The Theaters And It Made Me Less Cynical For a Day
I'm not going to lie, when Sam Neill and Laura Dern saw the brachiosauruses for the first time, I teared up.
No, this wasn't the first time I was seeing "Jurassic Park." I knew everything that was going to happen (SPOILER: The dinosaurs still win), and I anxiously awaited all my favorite parts ("Clever girl"). But something about seeing it on the big screen in 3D with that iconic music playing inspired a moment of awe.
I don't know if it was the nostalgia of seeing one of my favorite movies on the big screen again, if I'm simply the perfect pop-culture sucker drinking Lord Spielberg's Kool-Aid, or if somewhere deep down I really do believe that I'm going to see a living dinosaur one day, but seeing "Jurassic Park 3D" made me a whole lot happier and more relaxed for at least 24 hours. Plus! The 3D stuff didn't even make me seasick!
Yeah, yeah I know "Jurassic Park" isn't especially life altering, but something about watching it this time around caught me at just the right moment to awaken some sort of childlike wonder.
YEAH. CHILDLIKE WONDER. I'll admit it.
Look, I know, it's ridiculous, it's schmaltzy, and it features Jeff Goldblum, Goldbluming it up. But as I sat there watching what might be the pinnacle of Hollywood consumerism -- a HUGE blockbuster that cost a gabillion dollars to make, spawned theme park rides and Slurpee cups, and led to many awful sequels -- I couldn't help but wear a goofy, giddy grin on my face as Dr. Grant and those kids fed the "Veggie-saurus" from their treetop hideout.
It was movie magic, and it made me feel good.
So here are my top "feel good" moments from "Jurassic Park." I swear Grand Master Spielberg isn't paying me to tout his film, but I dare you to go see this movie in the theatre again and tell me you're not even the tiniest bit like this:
The Part Where Dr. Grant Lights the Flare to Lure the T-Rex Away From The Kids Trapped in the Jeep
He doesn't even like kids! He says they smell! But here he is being the hero and saving those kids from a bloody, muddy death at the hands of that hungry T-Rex (Seriously, she only gets ONE goat? What happened to unlimited popcorn goats?).
Not only does the T-Rex really get to shine here, but we get to see the dinosaur scientist guy step up against a creature he's devoted his life to in order to save some screaming kids who JUST CAN'T PUT DOWN THE FLASHLIGHT.
Then Goldblum gets in on the action and saves the bunch of them!
In this scene, we get to see the brave way and the coward way. If you are brave like Dr. Grant (Sam Neill) and Jeff Goldblum, you get to live. If you are a coward, like the lawyer who runs away and hides in the bathroom, you die on the shitter.
The Part Where Dr. Grant and the Kids Are Sleeping in the Tree and They Are Awoken by Singing Brachiosauruses
"They're singing," says Dr. Grant of the dinosaurs in the mist.
THEN HE DOES HIS PATENTED BRACHIOSAURUS CALL. Uh-mazing.
Lex (the blond girl) freaks out when when one of the brachiosauruses comes over because, ya know, she was called, but then she realizes that not all dinosaurs are "monsters"! Some are friends!
This moment of childlike wonder (there it is again) following on the heels of almost being squashed and eaten by the T-Rex, also made me get a little teary. They can still appreciate the quiet majesty of these ancient giants, even though another one -- albeit a distant carnivorous cousin -- tried to eat them just a little while ago?! SHUT UP.
BEAUTY IS EVERYWHERE Y'ALL.
The Part Where Lex Successfully Hacks the Park's Computer System and Saves Everyone
Lex doesn't do much but scream and run and flare her nostrils up until this point. But then when the gang gets chased into the control room by a pack of raptors and cannot lock the doors because the power is off, Lex has her moment in time.
She hacks the obviously super intricate park computer system and restores power to the door locks, thus saving everyone from being raptor snacks.
I choose to believe Lex has just cemented her future as a computer genius. This is a turning point for her! Everyone thinks she's just frightened and whiney up until now, but she does something nobody else could do!
Never underestimate anybody.
The Part Where Everyone We Really Care About (Who Isn't a Dinosaur) is About to Be Mauled by Raptors and Dr. Grant Huddles Everyone Behind Him
This is such a little moment, really just a second. But just as the head raptor lunges for the group, Dr. Grant winces and puts everyone behind him.
Then the T-Rex saves the day and grabs the raptor mid leap.
Point is, being torn apart by a raptor would be a really horrible way to die, and nobody knows that more than Dr. Grant. Yet whether he meant to or not, he stood in front of the group as a sort of human shield.
Whenever I see shit like this in movies or TV, I get all crazy and imagine myself and my husband in situations like this. We'd totally sacrifice ourselves to raptors to save each other.
I know it's coco for coo-coo poops, but its mellow dramatic stuff like this that really makes me grateful for my loved ones. Think about it.
The End Where They Are All Sitting Exhausted But Alive in the Helicopter, While the Dinosaurs Throw a Jurassic Kegger
The dinosaurs won. You shouldn't have fucked around with nature, Richard Attenborough.
As they all sit there and reflect, there's an overwhelming sense of humility amongst them. We are small and are not all powerful, and if nature kills off giant carnivorous lizards millions of years ago, it's best to leave well enough alone.
Plus Dr. Grant learns to love children!
Cue sunset. The End.
So yeah, "Jurassic Park 3D" irrevocably changed me as a human being and now I have a greater respect for dinosaurs and the cinema. Not really.
But I did leave the movie theatre stupidly happy. Instead of looking for plot holes and judging performances I just enjoyed the damn movie on it's own terms. And it was great.
I didn't learn some grand learn some grand life lesson from "Jurassic Park", but at least I figured out that sometimes I need to just get over myself.
"Hold onto your butts."