I don't mind book club books. I'll buy one from time to time, like when I have a long layover and don't want my hands to smell like magazine JOOP, or when I'm in a reading group that doesn't know about "Confessions of a Video Vixen."
But when I'm discussing a book club book, I'm pretty much sitting there wondering how long I have to talk leitmotifs before I can sneak this Pinot Grigio to a late showing of "The Roommate." So, it's mostly out of selfishness that I propose seasonally KABOOMing your standard book group into a midnight movie club. (Ideally, you should always genre-film-down in a theater, but there's no reason why you can't watch one crowded together with a gas mask bong on one of those L-shaped couches.) B movies? Just trade paperbacks with air conditioning and arterial blood.
It's summer -- let's all turn off our brains and just watch some people get eaten alive, okay?
Your Book Club Wants to Read: "Bossypants"
Take Them to See: "Shark Night 3-D"
Okay, you should buy "Bossypants." It was a pretty good read. But let's say for instance that you were high on marijuana while you read the chapter about life lessons one can learn from improv. You probably were like, "Aw man, I was so high. I feel guilty about not paying attention there." You will never have this thought about a shark that lives in a freshwater lake and eats teenagers.
Your Book Club Wants to Read: "The Help"
Take Them to See: "Final Destination 5"
You know when you're in book club and someone is like, "Ugh, I hated that one character! I wish that she would have died in some elaborate, Rube-Goldberg-machine kind of gruesome death. Maybe in shocking 3-D." Hi, I'm "Final Destination 5," I'm here to grant your wishes.
Your Book Club Wants to Read: "A Visit from the Goon Squad"
Take Them to See: "Spiderhole"
This is a movie about a kinship among a bunch of aging noncomfortmists. Sound familiar, Jen Egan fans? But wait! "Spiderhole" has a malevolent force that menaces a trendy London squat and kills hipsters for not paying rent. I think this was written by my landlord, but I can't be sure.
Your Book Club Wants to Read: "The Glass Castle"
Take Them to See: "Don't Be Afraid of the Dark"
Child neglect: Admittedly scary. But you know what's really scary? F-ING BASEMENTS. I don't know about you guys, I'd rather live some kind of ramshackle hobo existence with a pair of flaky sociopaths than with two loving parents in a house with a scary basement. (This film in particular is by Guillermo del Toro, so it's not really B, per se, but it does have a furnace that's like, "Come playyyyy with usssssss" so it merits inclusion.)
Your Book Club Wants to Read: "Water for Elephants"
Take them to See: "Rise of the Planet of the Apes"
If I see somebody punch a monkey, I don't want it to make me sad about circuses. I want it to be JUSTIFIED. Oh, also, until James Franco finds a way to insinuate himself in books (and he will -- FranKindle is probably going to be very hot this Christmas), we will have to watch him in movies like this.