THE HOLLYOAKS REPORT – cockneys, convicts and psycho-wags

Robyn is STILL watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to. Either that or she’s having vivid but vapid dreams five nights a week.
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Robyn is STILL watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to. Either that or she’s having vivid but vapid dreams five nights a week.

I’m STILL watching Hollyoaks so you don’t have to. I wish I could stop. What is sunshine? I don’t remember. What colour is hope?

LOVELY SIGN LANGUAGE LADY REPORTToday’s LSLL is, unless I’m very much mistaken, Hollywood star Gwyneth Paltrow:


Hello, Gwyneth! I like your invisible bagpipes.

THE SKINNYThis week, in a flurry of push-up bras and alliteration, McQueen matriarch Myra returns home from prison. But what’s she hiding? Jacqui McQueen tries to draw Myra out by recreating that scene from Garden State, where Zach Braff, Natalie Portman and Peter Sarsgaard primal-scream into a giant hole in the ground.

But this is Hollyoaks, of course, so Jacqui and Myra just stand on top of Lidl instead, and sort of yodel at Chester:


It doesn’t work. Jacqui’s giant silver earrings reflect the sunlight and blind half of Chester, those with remaining eyesight can see up Myra and Jacqui’s skirts, and Myra keeps her silence. For now.

This Chiselled Cockney oik is Dodger, who has gone a little bit rogue trying to find his biological father:


He gets drunk, he beats up cars, he grabs loved ones by the lapels, shouting “OO JOO FINK YOO ARE, EH?” at their faces. This is partly because the question of his paternity is eating at him, and partly because Dodger never watched Who Do You Think You Are past the title sequence, and genuinely thinks that’s how professional genealogists get results.

However, the main story still revolves around wrongly imprisoned Mitzeee, apparently-a-footballer Riley, and leopard-print psycho-wag Mercedes. Because Mercedes finally gets her wish when Riley proposes in the most romantic way possible:


“Eee,” he purrs. “Get uz chips on, will yer.”

Ah, young love.

When Mitzeee is put on trial for attempting to murder Mercedes, news of the engagement – and Hollyoaks’ jumpy flashback editing – confuses her, and she wrongly pleads guilty:


So that’s that. Looks like Mitzeee’s going to proper jail, where all the extra Es will be ritually pounded out of her, and Mercedes is set up for a rhinestone life of bitchiness and hoop-earringed WAGgery.

But wait. What’s this?


Is it Nancy, Mitzeee’s friend, realising that Mitzeee is innocent and that, in fact, Mercedes stabbed herself? Or is she being poked in the boob by her underwire? Do I care?

Tune in next time to find out.


1. This week the Canadian electronic artist Grimes is cleanin’ winderz. With Lady Sovereign!


2. It turns out Mitzeee isn’t called Mitzeee at all! Her real name is Anne! Or possibly Ann. Or even maybe Annnn. Look, I don’t know.

3. It’s okay Dodger - I’ve found your father: 


He was Dylan McDermott all along! I found him on Google! You can stop punching mini-vans now!

4. Mercedes is so evil that I will henceforth refer to her as MURDERCEDES.

5. The actor who plays Brendan is called Emmett J. Scanlan! Which makes this a completely non-gratuitous moustache shot:


You’re welcome.