I woke up in a bad mood today. Maybe it was because I had an 8 AM deadline, or because I am limiting carbohydrates, or because Rick Perry has not yet been eaten by a shark. To worsen matters, everywhere I go, Christmas music is playing.
Look, I love David Bowie, I'm not a grandpa. But every time I hear "The Little Drummer Boy" I start doing the I'm the bad guy??? speech from "Falling Down."
Let's not get me started on "Do They Know It's Christmas." ACTUAL ALBUM ART:
Hey, good job, "Do They Know It's Christmas." Just when I thought NOTHING could make me hate Spandau Ballet.
In that spirit, allow me to humbly suggest some Christmas songs that are actually very good and are even better because you haven't heard them until your ears bleed.
True, this only helps in places where you control the playlist. In public, I'm going to have to sublimate my rage and not choke the piano player at Nordstrom when he launches into his millionth rendition of that god-blessed Charlie Brown Christmas song.
"Christmas Wrapping" - The Waitresses
I hear this song is ubiquitous in Scotland during the holidays, so if you live in Scotland, I'm sorry, enjoy the glut of hot boys and the excellent theatre. Elsewhere, this is just a good tune by a good band.
"Christmas Party" - The Dead Milkmen
This is a great ode to Christmas boozing on par with that scary, slurry one that the Pogues did. You know, the one that my friend sang in front of my mom even though it has the "F" word in it.
"Get Behind Me, Santa!" - Sufjan Stevens
I was talking to my mom about Sufjan Stevens the other night and she was like, "Are we pronouncing this correctly? Sufjan?" Then we Googled to make sure and spent the next 15 minutes going, "Soof-YAHN, Soof-YAHN," like Bridget Jones trying not to embarrass herself in front of Salman Rushdie. You know, in the likely event that my mom and I will meet and hang out with Sufjan Stevens. Semper paratus. Anyhow, yes, this album and Soof-YAHN are very twee but this is a catchy little number.
"Marshmallow World" - Brenda Lee
Yes, okay, this is a verrrrry Christmassy Christmas song. BUT! I love the hell out of Brenda Lee, and while her whole Christmas album is pretty good, this one isn't as played as your "Rocking Around the Christmas Tree"s or your "Blue Christmas"es. Sidenote: if you don't already know Brenda Lee, go watch her sing "Dynamite." Now.
"Come On Santa" - The Raveonettes
I love the Raveonettes. (My "song" with my ex boyfriend used to be "Seductress of Bums." Do with that information what you will.) I was going to select their "Christmas in Cleveland" instead, because I am from Cleveland originally and it is indeed where I spent my Christmasses, but this maybe the best song about nailing Santa since Santa Baby, which brings me to…
"Santa Baby" feat Snoop, Salt-n-Pepa, Run DMC & Diddy
OK, OK, I know. But, my sister and I used to buy those "Very Special Christmas" charity albums purely for their What the fuuuuuuck???? factor. Please see: Hootie and the Blowfish's "Christmas Song," Soundgarden's "Ave Maria" and Smashing Pumpkins' "Christmastime." REALLY AND FOR REAL. I chose this track for you guys cause Snoop raps about "cookies and meeee-ilk."
"Everything is One Big Christmas Tree" - The Magnetic Fields
This song makes very little sense but I'm a sucker for a random inexplicable German chorus. Ist Alles ein Albtraum? Nicht, nicht!
"It's Christmas" - Coconut Records
This was on a GREAT COMPILATION that Target put together called "The Christmas Gig" that had all kinds of good artists like Wavves and Best Coast. But Jason Schwartzmann is the cutest and best and this song is very catchy.
"Merry Christmas (I Don't Want to Fight Tonight)" - The Ramones
I love punk even though I am about as punk as a distressed T-shirt you can buy at Urban Outfitters. I think their "Baby I Love You" is the most romantic song EVER and this is probably my favorite alterna-Christmas jam. And, ahahaha the video.
"It's Christmas in Heaven" - Monty Python
When my brothers and sister have children, this is the song I will sing to scare them.
"The Coldest Winter" - Kanye
Not a Christmas song you say? Watch the video. It's a bunch of Nazgul chasing around a woman with huge fake tittes in slow-mo. Hahahaha Merry Christmas.
What's your favorite alternative Christmas tune?