A Guy Recaps Lady TV: "Snapped"

WHY IS TV FOR WOMEN 95 percent ABOUT THE WORST WOMEN?

Mar 21, 2012 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

This is the seventh installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel-- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, Noah takes in an episode of the Oxygen channel true crime hit/Julieanne's Favorite Show, Ever, "Snapped."

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I originally thought that "Snapped" might be similar to the Food Network's "Chopped," but I was quickly disabused of that notion when I looked for an episode to download on iTunes.

Reading the series summary, I found out that this show focuses very little on improvisational cooking skills and, instead, has much more to deal with women who go nuts and murder people. WHY IS TV FOR WOMEN 95 percent ABOUT THE WORST WOMEN? We'll just get started.

"Snapped" is a true crime show that features a different lady murderer every week. The fun is finding out whether or not the perpetrator was convicted, which you can usually telll by whether or not she appears on camera in prison blues. This week, we open on Linda Henning who apparently grows her own hydroponic turtlenecks.

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It an introductory sequence, it is explained that, in 1999 Linda was an "artist and an entrepreneur," and everything was going great for her. That was until she met the 34 year old Di... Dyazin? Haussenkopft?

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Dye-zen? This guy's name is nuts. It's pronounced Die-Uh-Zen Hoss-In-Cough-t, or something to that affect. You would think the show would put up some text spelling out his name so you know what's going on, but they absolutely do not do that.

So, Linda meets this guy, Di... Dyson. We're calling him Dyson now. That's for sure not his name, but it's just easier this way.

Anyway, we learn that Linda met Dyson some months before. Linda began spending a lot of time with him, and soon after, his estranged wife, Girly Chew Haussenkopft, went missing. I know it's confusing when I give people little nicknames all the time, but this is an actual person named "Girly Chew." Really. That's just how this one plays out. I'm sorry.

We then see Linda delivering the completely out of context line, "Girly Chew was an alien queen. And I must defeat her." So that's how the show starts! Oh, boy. Titles.

On October 10, 1999, Girly Chew's coworkers call the police after she fails to show up for work. The police search Girly's house to find some wet spots on her carpet that have clearly just been bleached.

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Ugh, the beautiful brown carpet is ruined! At least the stylish cardboard corners were kept on the full length mirror.

The police also find spots of blood on the couch, so they call in a forensic team with a very official looking forensic team logo on their van.

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Immediately, Dyson is a suspect because, Girly had always said, "If anything happens to me, it's Dyson who did it." Unfortunately, the police can't arrest Dyson because he is also missing; he moved out of town the same day Girly disappeared.

The police go to Linda's house to question her about Dyson's whereabouts. She says she doesn't know where he is, but she offers up the story of how they met each other. Someone at their gym had introduced them because they were both super into aliens.

Dyson told her that he was a doctor who mostly dealt in youth serums and "cancer shots." Cancer shots. YUP, THAT CHECKS OUT AS A THING THAT SOUNDS LIKE A REAL THING. He had also told Linda that he was starting up a company. We then see his business card that, while very poorly designed, finally gives us some insight into how his clearly made up name is spelled.

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"Diazen Hossencofft" with a bunch of bullshit diacritics. Cool spelling, Diazen Hossencofft! But, you're still Dyson to us because you are a (spoiler alert) murdering fuck.

Police then begin looking into Dyson's background because he obviously murdered a woman and the first thing they find -- and you're going to be shocked when I tell you this -- is that Diazen Hossencofft is not his real name. His real name is Armand Chavez.

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The police, however, fail to investigate what the fuck is up with the 32-year-old sportscaster next to Dyson in his high school yearbook.

Further scrutiny reveals that Dyson also is not a real doctor and that his youth serum is fake. UNBELIEVABLE.

Later, a bloody tarp and bloody blouse turn up near a highway outside of Albuquerque. A forensic team is able to find out the blouse belonged to Girly. How did they do this? The process is described as such: "They matched it to Girly Hassencofft by looking and determining it was her clothing." You can learn so much about crime scene investigation from these shows!

Around the same time, Girly Chew's wallet is found on a street very close to Linda's house. She is brought in for more questioning, and police start to believe that Linda and Dyson's relationship miiiiight have been a little weird. An investigator explains, "Linda told people, and Diazien Hossencofft told people that when they had sexual relations, they would actually become cats."

So, apparently, when they had sex they would start not giving a shit about each other and chase the dot from a laser pointer. Hot.

Also, Dyson had told Linda and others that "he was from the gigga plannet and he was 10 or 50 thousand years old." Gigga, please! LOLOLOLOLOL! #WhatTheFuckIsThisShow

Linda, who was already sort of into weird alien stuff to begin with, started to get REALLY into that stuff with Dyson and they became big weirdos together.
Eventually, the police track down Dyson in South Carolina. They take him into custody and, soon after, perform a search of Linda's house where they find A NINJA SWORD WITH BLOOD ON IT HIDDEN IN HER ATTIC. The blood, however, is "compromised" and they cannot match it to Girly Chew. What they are able to match however is Dyson's saliva to Girly's blouse that they had found earlier.

And then, also, some of the blood that had initially been found on Girly's couch turned out to be Linda's blood.
Even though they never find Girly Chew's body, Dyson pleads guilty to planning her murder. Even he's like, "Yeah, I mean, obviously."

Linda, however, maintains her innocence and goes to trial where she makes a chill trial face.

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The prosecution presents her blood on Girly Chew's couch as evidence, but Dyson testifies that he had actually taken some of her blood and put it on Girly Chew's couch just so he could frame her for murder. What?

The jury doesn't buy the story, and convicts Linda of murder. She gets sentenced to 73 years in prison.

The last thing Linda has to say about Dyson is, "I love the kindness about him. I love the compassion. I love his briliance. I hope that Girly Chew is found. I hope that a lot of this is really  going to turn out to be a hoax." The end.

I don't know if Linda "snapped" really. She was already a crazy cat sex lady with a ninja sword, so it's more like she just took the next logical step in her pre-existing insanity. But, the show probably wouldn't be as successful if it was called "That Figures."