This is the ninth installment of A Guy Recaps Lady TV in which Noah Garfinkel -- a guy who mostly watches CNN and the History Channel -- watches a lone episode of a television program geared toward women and recaps it. Here, Noah takes in Season 5 Episode 9 of the WB’s long running series, Charmed. This episode is literally titled "Y Tu Mummy Tambien." It is a pun about mummies.
Some of you might recall my recap of "Gilmore Girls." I did not like that show. It wasn’t, however, so wildly objectionable that it deserved a descriptor such as “the worse.” But, if somebody had come to me and asked, “How could we make Gilmore Girls THE WORST?” I would have suggested that they film it way less competently and perhaps make it more about witchcraft.
Well, it turns out "Charmed" already did that. "Charmed" is the worst. Let’s take some pills and get started.
We open on police cars rushing through the streets of San Francisco. Wait, San Francisco? Yes, San Francisco. Not a Northeastern locale with architecture that might actually lend itself to some sort of antique mysticism. Instead, we’re in the single least intimidating city in all of the United States. Even if witches actually existed in San Francisco, San Francisco would just be like “Oh, cool! Would you like a parade? We can make you some art cauldrons!”
So, the car races down the street and we suddenly cut to some dark-haired guy hurriedly carrying a blonde lady in a 90s red sweater into an apartment. The lady is half passed out.
The man exclaims, “Where’s the crystal?!”
Apparently, they are in a rush to throw a fancy dinner party and don’t want to just use the shitty Ikea glasses. 90s Red moans to look in the cabinet. Dark Hair goes to the cabinet but then just pulls out a regular crystal rock instead of high quality stemware. This is going to be a lame fucking dinner party.
It turns out, 90s Red’s current body is deteriorating, and it’s not polite to have your limbs fall off at your own dinner party. Dark Hair brings 90s Red the crystal and a map of San Francisco so that she can find a new body #sure.
She dangles the crystal over the map for a second before the crystal plops down. She says she has now located a new human frame her soul can inhabit. But… it’s a map of all of San Francisco. So the crystal ends up covering about two square miles. I guess that’s just how women are with directions. High five, fellas! Fellas? No?
Police suddenly swarm outside the apartment. Dark Hair does some dude magic stuff, and 90s red turns into an y tu mummy tambien while he disappears in an unimpressive whirlwind of sand.
The police barge in and are like, “Aw, man. No dinner party.”
The opening credits roll just before we find ourselves in a maternity shop. In the shop are a red head and a woman who looks EXACTLY like Mike O’Malley’s wife on "Yes Dear," the Pulitzer Prize-winning CBS investigative series.
"Yes Dear" keeps complaining about having to wear maternity clothes despite the fact that she looks completely un-pregnant and could just wear regular clothes. Then, she and Red Head (not to be confused with 90s Red) talk about how Phoebe hasn’t left the house in a long time after her break up with some guy.
Who’s Phoebe? I don’t know yet. I hope it’s Phoebe from friends and that Chandler is going to pop in at any moment yelling, “Could this show BE any worse?!”
We end up in another house where Red Head and "Yes Dear" have joined Phoebe.
Ohhhhhh, Phoebe is Melissa Gelato. Cool. I forgot she was in this show. Also, one of the police officers from before is in the house, inquiring about the guy that disappeared and the lady who became an y tu mummy tambien. "Yes Dear," Red Head, and Melissa Gelato say they’ll look into it.
Next, we’re in a coroner’s office with the y tu mummy tambien on the dead person table. Suddenly, Dark Hair appears out of nowhere and then re-disappears with the y tu mummy tambien.
Then, we’re back at the charmed ladies’ house in the attic. "Yes Dear" has been joined by a guy who seems like maybe he is her husband or boyfriend or former lacrosse player.
Red Head enters, and "Yes Dear" and Lacrosse inform her that they’ve figured out who Dark Hair is by looking in an ancient attic book. His name is Jerik and he has been wearing douchey leather jackets since the dawn of evil.
It turns out he has spent centuries trying to find a replacement body for his wife’s spirit, but each body he finds keeps deteriorating and ruining their dinner parties. But now, he’s searching for a witch body to overtake because a witch’s body has enough magic to handle the not deteriorating? Or something. I have no fucking idea.
Somehow they figure out that Dark Hair is trying to capture and then use Melissa Gelato’s body. They “orb in” to a parking lot try to save Melissa Gelato before Dark hair can get to her, but they’re TOO LATE.
Dark Hair turns them both into a sand swirl, and they’re gone. He transports her to Egypt.
Or perhaps it’s just an elementary school classroom where a devoted teacher has decorated her classroom for a unit on Egypt. Cool set design, "Charmed"! Then, Dark Hair transfers 90s Red spirit from the y tu mummy tambien into Melissa Gelato’s body.
Red Head and "Yes Dear" decide to go seek some help from someone named Cole who is apparently the guy who Melissa Gelato used to date. Also, he is an invincible demon, but he is so upset about the break-up that he’s trying to kill him self on a guillotine.
As Red Head and "Yes Dear" explain what’s going on, Cole gets an idea and disappears. He “orbs” himself to Egypt where Dark Hair is. The issue is that Dark hair has put 90s Red into Melissa Gelato’s body. But, Cole still loves Melissa Gelato. So, he suggests that Dark Hair take Melissa Gelato’s body and y tu mummify tambien it until he can figure out how to get her back. Then, he will help Dark Hair find another witch body to use for 90s Red. This show is about three-fourths exposition in an attempt to explain shit that makes no sense.
Back in the "Charmed" house, "Yes Dear" and Red Head figure out Melissa Gelato is in Egypt. "Yes Dear" wants to orb there, but Red Head thinks it’s a trap. "Yes Dear" doesn’t care, though, because she, like Cole, is invincible or something. They orb to Egypt.
As soon as they get to Egypt, Cole knocks Red Head out and orbs the invincible "Yes Dear" right on back to the Charmed House. Dark Hair and Cole discuss how they need “the power of three” to fully eject Red Head’s soul from her body so that 90s Red can fully take it over. What is the power of three? I do not care enough to rewind and see if they’ve already explained it during one of the long periods of time when I was paying no attention whatsoever.
"Yes Dear" decides to go on the offensive, and “summons” Cole. She transports him to the Charmed ladies’ attic where they start Street Fighter Hadouken-ing each other.
Which… They’re both invincible, so I’m pretty sure they’re just wasting everyone’s time? Then, Lacrosse comes in and says, “Hey, what are you guys doing? You’re both invincible. This is just pointless.” Oh, wow. Even the characters inside of this shitty show are acknowledging how shitty this show is.
OK, now, this next part I don’t entirely understand, but something resembling what I’m about to explain happens. Cole says that "Yes Dear" has to make a choice to save either Red Head or Melissa Gelato.
Option 1: She can help out with a spell to eject Red Head’s soul fully from her body so 90s red can have it. This will leave Red Head dead forever.
Option 2: She can decide not to do that, and 90s Red will eventually be forced out of Red Heads body, but then 90s Red will die and she is the only one who has the power to undo the y tu mummy tambien-ing of Melissa Gelato. This will leave Melissa Gelato dead.
Cole is betting that "Yes Dear" will choose to save Melissa Gelato (whom he loves) because they have known each other longer. Got it? Neither do I. I want to orb into another TV show.
"Yes Dear" says she refuses to choose and will find another way. She returns to Egypt where she claims she has chosen to let Melissa Gelato live. But, then, she does some weird alternate spell that releases 90s Red from Red Head’s body. After that, Red Head does a spell to free Melissa Gelato from y tu mummification tambien. Next, "Yes Dear" kills 90s Red and Dark Hair. Cole is like, “Oh, wow. You really got me there.” The end.
So, yeah. That was the worst. That was actually the worst of all the shows I’ve recapped so far for A Guy Recaps Lady TV. Even when characters were at risk of actual death, the other characters appeared to treat it with no weight. The stakes seemed to be so low that, as a viewer, I couldn’t get invested in anything that was happening. Also, witch bullshit is super boring. What a well-rounded failure of a TV show. Had I bought this episode on iTunes, I would want my y tu money tambien back.