Every year during awards season, I have to put up with people bitching about how awards are meaningless. I nominate these people for "prize assholes," because I look forward to winter's glut of super cinema with the kind of enthusiasm I assume other people reserve for the births of their kids or taking pictures of their dogs.
Saying that awards are meaningless is like saying my life is meaningless (please don't take this sentence to its logical conclusion, signed, My Dignity).
My mom and I used to get a gallon of 2% (the "celebration milk") and a bag of Double Stuf (twice the "stuf!") Oreos for the Golden Globes every year. This is the fun one! You know, where everybody's so drunk that they swear like teamsters during their awards speeches and open mouth kiss the presenters.
The nominees this year are random and kooky as ever, and because I have A Lot of Opinions About Movies, I figured I'd share my picks with you.
BEST PICTURE: DRAMA
“The Ides of March”
I haven't seen "War Horse" yet, because nobody will see it with me (I love how people freak out in movies where an animal dies but they'll watch like 800 humans get exploded or eaten by dinosaurs), but I can't resist a George Clooney/Alexander Payne collab. I did enjoy the baseball film about Brad Pitt driving and eating, though. The only thing I nominate "The Help" for is movie most likely to make me angry with bad wigs.
BEST PICTURE: COMEDY OR MUSICAL
“Midnight in Paris”
“My Week With Marilyn”
I'm giving this one to "The Artist" for sheer ingenuity. I don't think I would call "My Week With Marilyn" a comedy? And I liked "Bridesmaids" enough, but not like, enough to give it a Very Meaningful and Important Statue. And no way is Woody Allen fooling me with that Hemingway fan fic movie.
Woody Allen (“Midnight in Paris”)
George Clooney (“The Ides of March”)
Michel Hazanavicius (“The Artist”)
Alexander Payne (“The Descendants”)
Martin Scorsese (“Hugo”)
Hazanavicius sounds like a Harry Potter spell, doesn't it? Aveda Hazanavicius! Hmm! Alexander Payne is really great and I would watch Martin Scorcese direct a day-old bagel into his mouth, but I think I speak for everybody when I say, "Maybe George and Ryan Gosling will kiss if he wins?"
BEST ACTOR: DRAMA
George Clooney (“The Descendants”)
Leonardo Dicaprio (“J. Edgar”)
Michael Fassbender (“Shame”)
Ryan Gosling (“The Ides of March”)
Brad Pitt (“Moneyball”)
OK, I know actors are supposed to be attractive, but what is this category? Most likely to be one of my Greek orgy dreams? OM NOM NOMINEES! As much as I want to cover every single one of these guys in rich creamery butter, I'm going to give it to Fassbender and his amazing tushie dimples. Please also see "A Dangerous Method," which was pretty good but will make you want to bone down with Carl Jung. I mean!
BEST ACTRESS: DRAMA
Glenn Close (“Albert Nobbs”)
Viola Davis (“The Help”)
Rooney Mara (“The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo”)
Meryl Streep (“The Iron Lady”)
Tilda Swinton (“We Need to Talk About Kevin”)
I'll be honest! I haven't seen ANY OF THESE but I'm glad to see Glenn Close and Meryl Streep in the same category, because my dad thinks they are the same person. But "We Need to Talk About Kevin" has informed my favorite catchphrase for like a year, as in "We need to talk about Kevin, and by 'Kevin 'I mean how drunk Dave was at his own wedding" or "We need to talk about Kevin, and by 'Kevin' I mean 'American Horror Story.' GIRRRRRL." So I'll say Tilda.
BEST ACTRESS: COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jodie Foster (“Carnage”)
Charlize Theron (“Young Adult”)
Kristen Wiig (“Bridesmaids”)
Michelle Williams (“My Week With Marilyn”)
Kate Winslet (“Carnage”)
"Carnage" is supposed to be great, and again, "Bridesmaids" was decently funny but I'm not giving Kristen Wiig an award for convincingly playing a skinny baker. I have the biggest crush in the world on Charlize and I think she's probably one of the Most Diverse Actresses Working Today, as she can be very funny or very serious or an astronaut's wife. I will give it to her, even though once when I was 16 I took a page of her super-short pixie cut to a hair stylist and asked him to make me look like Charlize. Ugh. That was not a Kevin I want to talk about.
BEST ACTOR: COMEDY OR MUSICAL
Jean Dujardin (“The Artist”)
Brendan Gleeson (“The Guard”)
Joseph Gordon-Levitt (“50/50”)
Ryan Gosling (“Crazy, Stupid, Love”)
Owen Wilson (“Midnight in Paris”)
I did not particularly like the "Crazy Stupid" film, but +1 for it when Ryan Gosling's abs elicited audible gasps from the old ladies sitting behind me. Brendan Gleeson is basically owed 30,000 awards, but I feel weird "Color Purple"/"Ghost" Whoopi-ing him for this one. Let's go dark horse and say Jean Dujardin.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Berenice Bejo (“The Artist”)
Jessica Chastain (“The Help”)
Janet McTeer (“Albert Nobbs”)
Octavia Spencer (“The Help”)
Shailene Woodley (“The Descendants”)
Jessica Chastain is unbelievable (see "Take Shelter" if you don't believe me) and I love Octavia Spencer for her work in Everything, but, to paraphrase Billy Madison, I award this movie "The Help" no points and may God have mercy on its soul. I haven't seen Albert Nobbs yet but the title makes me giggle and I have loved Janet McTeer ever since "Tumbleweeds." So McTeer for the win.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Kenneth Branagh (“My Week With Marilyn”)
Albert Brooks (“Drive”)
Jonah Hill (“Moneyball”)
Viggo Mortensen (“A Dangerous Method”)
Christopher Plummer (“Beginners”)
Oh, guys! Wow. This is actually really tough because all of these performances were incredible. If you ever want to have the lid of your dome blown off, watch Captain Von Trapp make out with the hot serbian from "ER." I had a monster crush on Albert Brooks growing up and VIGGO is very good as Freud, but I want to send a clear message to Jonah Hill that I loved him so much when he was chunky. I love you still, Jonah, but please don't starve yourself on shrimp cocktail for our benefit, you were foxy then.
BEST ACTRESS, TV COMEDY
Laura Dern (“Enlightened”)
Zooey Deschanel (“New Girl”)
Tina Fey (“30 Rock”)
Laura Linney (“The Big C”)
Amy Poehler (“Parks and Recreation”)
Can we please pause a moment and reflect on the fact that these nominees are all just great? I do love Tina Fey very deeply, but this is Poehler's year because "Parks and Rec" is so off the chain this season and not just because Adam Scott is the dreamiest boat that ever sailed the sexy seas.
BEST ACTRESS, TV DRAMA
Claire Danes (“Homeland”)
Mireille Enos (“The Killing”)
Julianna Margulies (“The Good Wife”)
Madeleine Stowe (“Revenge”)
Callie Thorne (“Necessary Roughness”)
Necessary who what? Congrats Callie Thorne on coming into existence just now but Julianna Marguiles wins for having the name most like my own.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR, TV SERIES, MINI-SERIES or MOVIE
Peter Dinklange (“Game of Thrones”)
Paul Giamatti (“Too Big to Fail”)
Guy Pearce (“Mildred Pierce”)
Tim Robbins (“Cinema Verite”)
Eric Stonestreet (“Modern Family”)
OH. OH. This is so tough. I love "Modern Family" and all of these actors are freakishly talented, but Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeterrrrrrrrrrr Dinklaaaaaaaaaaage Ohhh My Godddddddddddd. And yes, I am voting with my ovaries.
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS, TV SERIES, MINI-SERIES or MOVIE
Jessica Lange (“American Horror Story”)
Kelly Macdonald (“Boardwalk Empire”)
Maggie Smith (“Downtown Abbey (Masterpiece)")
SofiaVegara (“Modern Family”)
Evan Rachel Wood (“Mildred Pierce”)
Here's a sample conversation between you and anyone else about Maggie Smith: "Maggie Smith!" "RIGHT?" And the other actresses in this category are fan-fudging-tabulous. But friends, Jessica Lange is so unbelievably good on this show as to merit new adjectives for greatness. Constance FTW.
BEST ACTOR, TV COMEDY
Alec Baldwin (“30 Rock”)
David Duchovny (“Californication”)
Johnny Galecki (“The Big Bang Theory”)
Thomas Jane (“Hung”)
Matt LeBlanc (“Episodes”)
I want to give Thomas Jane an award for talking candidly about his days as a gay hooker, but I literally have a shelf full of David Duchovny action figures that I routinely go through so as to decide which one I'm going to use as the cake topper for my eventual wedding to David Duchovny. I don't even watch this show! I love you David!
BEST COMEDY SERIES, TV
I admit that I have never seen "Episodes" because I am staging a hunger strike on that show until Matthew Perry guests. "Enlightened" is very good but "Modern Family" consistently takes me to Guffawsburgh, population 10,000 Giggles.
BEST DRAMA SERIES, TV
"American Horror Story"
"Game of Thrones"
I am a noted fan of "American Horror Story," AKA the Dylan McDermott's Buns Hour, but what the hell, Hollywood Foreign Press? Do you not get "Breaking Bad" in whatever foreign land you live in? And what is "Boss?" Is that on SCOLA?
THE CECIL B. DEMILLE AWARD
He's the only nominee! And he's MORGAN FREEMAN. You know what? Fuck it, give him two.