Picture it. You are in a large outdoor auditorium. The stage is dark and bare. Suddenly, fog begins to roll across the aforementioned stage's floor. The earth starts to rumble, and a voice from the heavens loudly pronounces, “I had so much fun with the last mix I made for you guys, that I decided to do another one.” Then, the floor bursts open and I slowly ascend from beneath the ground in a pink, velour sweatsuit and ill-fitting aviators, bent over my turntables, and microphone. Bedazzled headphones to just one ear, I do not look at you all: The beat drops, and I go to work.
That’s right, y’all: DJ BJ HAS RETURNED AND IS HERE TO SPIN YOU YOUR LIFE. Like every good mix, this one has a theme: Your love story. That’s right guys, it’s about to get hella romantic and complex up in this bitch. I’m tackling your epic love story. Maybe it’s tragic, maybe it’s totally tortured and unrequited, maybe you don’t know if it’s love for sure, or maybe you guys are still-together-high-school sweethearts. Whatever the case, I’ve got the cure for all that ails you. BEAM ME UP, SPOTIFY!
1.) Papa Was a Rodeo, The Magnetic Fields
You run a five-and-dime on the outskirts of Marfa, Texas. When it gets dark at night you can’t see your hand in front of your face. He’s an artist just in town for the summer. His medium: Performance. Everyday for three months he quietly pushes a boulder up a hill, shirtless. At night he comes into the five-and-dime to buy a Big Red. He tells you that you’ve got eyes like a hurricane. You don’t know what that means, but you like it. The first time he holds your hand, you can’t believe the callouses. You know he’ll break your heart, but you’ll give as good as you get.
2.) Accidentally in Love, The Counting Crows
The two of you have been best friends since the eighth grade. She’s always been popular and dated scads, but outside of a few kisses at parties, your life has been pretty solitary in the love department -- and that suits you fine. Until now. The two of your share a condo in the Bay Area. You invite all your friends over for Fourth of July. She stands next to you while fireworks explode, and as you breathe in the smell of Herbal Essences and feel her arm tickle your arm one thought races through your mind: Oh no.
3.) Say Hey (I Love You), Michael Franti
You are both major A-List movie stars. You are filming a drama set in medieval France, that’s actually filming in Toronto. To break up the long, arduous days of shooting, and riding on horseback, and being covered in filth, you start making hilarious videos of yourselves and the rest of the cast dancing to current pop hits which you share via your Twitter. You two are the very last to notice your own chemistry.
4.) Fell In Love With an Alien, The Kelly Family
You fell in love with alien. Maybe that alien looks like Gillian Anderson.
5.) Sister Golden Hair, America
You are a reporter in the early 1970s who is very politically aware. Your identical twin brother is missing in action in Vietnam (your poor eyesight kept you out). You’ve been spending a lot of time with his girlfriend, who is trying to convince you to blow the lid off of what’s really going on over there. Your family is very conservative. You accidentally sleep together one night. You don’t know what it means. But you’re going to find out.
6.) This Heart’s on Fire, Wolf Parade
Your love story is quiet on the outside, but riotous on the inside -- in a good way. You guys have been together for years, folks can’t imagine him without you, or you without him. You don’t go out much, you’re both night owls. You paint his portrait in your underwear in the kitchen while he talks about starting an artisanal pickle cafe.
7.) Cologne, Dolly Parton
You are a widowed woman in your mid-50s. You work part-time at the front desk of a hotel chain. That’s where you met him. He’s a linoleum salesman three years away from retirement. He takes you out for steak and then you go back to the hotel. You have a standing date every other Wednesday. He’s got a wife which bothers you sometimes, but not, you think, as much as it should.
8.) The Batman Theme, Danny Elfman
Your parents were brutally killed before your eyes in a mugging gone wrong. They may have left you wealth and all the privileges that come with it, but they also left you with darkness. You date lots of people, but you have issues committing to any of them. Sometimes you even date people you know are bad for you. It’s all in the same, just other feelings to pour into the dark abyss of your soul. To be clear here, you are Batman.
9.) All I Want Is You, U2
When you guys started dating, you thought you were the Winona to his Ethan, and that you’d chain smoke out of your 20-something malaise into a deep-and-meaningful love together. Now you can’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes when he tries to say something profound about his band. The sex is still excellent, and every year your families do Christmas together so breaking up at this point just seems like more trouble than it’s worth.
10.) Love Interruption, Jack White
You met because you emailed him about some posters he had for sale listed on Craigslist. You begin emailing each other daily and it’s gotten to the point where you get giddy just seeing his name pop up in your inbox. You trade photos, and secrets, and you plan your first meeting. On the way to the graveyard where you’ve decided to meet, your heart is racing so fast it might explode. You can’t decide if you want to run away, throw up, or go through with it. You’ve been in love before, but never felt this way. So maybe it isn’t love at all, maybe it’s something. You keep walking towards the graveyard.
What love song perfectly describes your situation?