The Crazymaking Lie of the New Year's Eve Movie

I mostly blame Matthew McConaughey for any and all dashed dreams.

Dec 27, 2011 at 6:00pm | Leave a comment

image

A few lucky exceptions aside, it seems that every year, New Year's Eve has a way of falling short.

It's kind of like losing your virginity: You hope it's going to be magical, at the perfect time and place with someone you really like, and next thing you know, some guy you met at a gas station is taking off your bra in a basement in New Jersey.

I mostly blame movies and Matthew McConaughey for any and all dashed dreams, and New Year's Eve scenes in movies are no different. Take, for example...

The One Where You Actually End Up With the Nice Guy

The Movie Version: After a year of pining for the jerk, it looks like Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy are finally about to get it on when he comes to her apartment on New Year's Eve. She spends such a long time picking out underwear that he has time to read her diary and run out into the snow. But, surprise! He was actually running out to get her a new diary so she can have a fresh start. Would it have killed him to tell her that before she froze her clit off running after him in nothing but leopard print underwear?

The Reality: Reading your significant other's diary rarely ends in a romantic, pants-less kiss in the snow, so get ready to spend midnight (and 1am, and 2am…) in a long discussion about trust and privacy. Kiss pants-less in the snow after that all you want, but vagina icicles are no woman's friend.

The One Where Beautiful Strangers Have Adventures That Eventually Intertwine

The Movie Version: Alright, so I haven't actually seen "New Year's Eve," but judging by the preview, it's all very simple. New Year's resolutions are fulfilled, a guy decides now is a good time to try finding that woman he met a year ago, attractive people get trapped in elevators, someone's job is actually the ball drop Times Square and everything culminates neatly in the middle of Times Square, probably.

The Reality: To get a good spot to watch the ball drop in Times Square, you start camping out there in November. You're not allowed to drink alcohol on the streets so you either sneak a flask in your thermal underwear or you get so drunk before you even get there that you soil yourself by midnight. It's so crowded that you can't find any of your friends, and getting trapped in an elevator is actually kind of a terrifying experience and it's never with Ashton Kutcher. On the morning of December 31st, you find your list of New Year's resolutions from the previous year so you do a few crunches.

The One Where Your Best Friend Confesses His Love

The Movie Version: Oh, "When Harry Met Sally," the movie that would give friendzoned men and women across the world false hope for decades to come. The duo's will-they-or-won't-they dance culminates at a fancy New Year's Eve party, when Harry professes his love to Sally. Sally tells Harry she hates him, which in the movies, is code for "I love you; let's have babies," they kiss, and live happily ever after.

The Reality: The clock strikes 12 and everyone around you embraces, kisses, expresses heartfelt sentiments, gets engaged, and starts up a conga line. The best friend you're in love with gives you a New Year's Eve high five.

I can't be the only New Year's Eve curmudgeon, can I? Let's share stories about the time you accidentally kissed your brother or lit yourself on fire or slept with your boss on New Year's Eve! If we sell them to Hollywood, we can split the rights.