Some of you may know who my boyfriend is -- Tommy Blacha
fame. If you just said "Oh yeah!" then I know you are a big ol' stoner. He’s a funny effing dude, I’ll give him that much. (Not so funny when he’s harping on me to hurry up and get ready or pick my dirty clothes up off the floor, but he's mostly pretty hilarious.)
Tommy is a lauded comedy writer
who mercifully spends most of his time behind the camera. But every so often, a show gets the bright idea to put him on tape, and the results are usually pretty stellar.
Yep -- that’s the dude I've chosen to spend the rest of my natural life with dressed as The Gaseous Weiner
(a farting hot dog) on Late Night With Conan O’Brien
in 1996. My conservative Texan parents who always dreamed I’d marry a doctor or lawyer are disturbingly proud of him.
I'd never even heard of Drunk History
until Tommy told me, “Oh, by the way, a TV show is coming to film at our house tomorrow night. And I’ll be rip-roaring drunk.”
I have no idea why I didn't ask him any follow-up questions. I made sure to wash the dishes before I went to work the next morning (because that's what you do in the South if you are expecting guests) and hoped for the best. This is what I came home to:
The idea behind Drunk History
(which premiered last week on Comedy Central
) is that different narrators tell stories about pivotal events in American history while intoxicated beyond belief. The scenarios they describe are then acted out (mimed, actually) by various A-list actors in really
OF COURSE Ryan Gosling
was in an early Funny Or Die
version of Drunk History
, and I was not conveniently there to flirt with him while my boyfriend was hammered and not paying attention. My life obviously has zero
"Drunk History is a weekly, half-hour series where historical reenactments by A-list talent are presented by inebriated storytellers. Based on the award-winning and wildly popular web series, the show follows the drunken and often incoherent narration of our nation's history. Host Derek Waters, along with an ever-changing cast of great actors and comedians, travels from town to town across the country, presenting the rich history that every city in this land, both great and small, has to offer. Booze helps bring out the truth of our nation's history."
By the time I got home from work, Tommy was about 4 drinks in and I instantly thought, "Oh, SHIT." I personally haven't had 4 drinks in one night since the first Obama administration. I'm usually in bed by 11 pm. So when the crew of Drunk History finally cleared out around 3 am, I may as well have had an entire bottle of tequila myself. I felt like someone shoved sand in my eye sockets.
To his credit, Tommy didn't throw up despite drinking that whole thing over the course of about 5 hours. (They had a nurse on set just in case he suffered any ill effects.) The story he chose to tell takes place during Prohibition
-era Chicago and centers on the tale of America's best known gangster, Al Capone
At one point the morning after the taping, Tommy hazily said to me, "I think I talked about Al Capone's cock oozing with pus a whole lot.
" He was obviously referring to the fact that Capone was known to be suffering from syphilis
most of his life. Facts are facts, right?
Show host/creator Derek Waters
is one of the nicest, funniest dudes I've ever had in my home. For that reason alone I'll forgive the show's producers for forgetting to invite me to the premiere party of Drunk History
last week in Los Angeles. (I was busy protesting some real asshattery in the Texas Legislature
anyways, so no hard feelings.)