Dear Amazon Prime,
I’m a little nervous, as I’ve never done this before. You see, I’ve written letters to complain. Oh, believe you me. Once I even sent J.Crew an email after a dress that was in my shopping cart sold out while I was still browsing. They sent me a $50 gift card, but things were never really the same between us. Yes, I’m quite adept at voicing my complaints, but doing the opposite? Well that’s something I’m working on. So I thought I’d start with you. Dear, sweet, lovable you.
This may seem a bit forward since we’ve only been in each other’s lives for a year, but, well, Amazon Prime: I’m in love. I was hesitant going into everything. After all, $79 for, well, for what? Nothing tangible, that’s for sure. But isn’t that what love is, Amazon Prime? It’s not about presents and fancy dinners; it’s about being there for the other person when s/he needs you most. It’s about anticipating the other person’s needs. Accepting even the most ridiculous whimsy. And you, oh, you. You do that and so much more.
At first, I was mostly attracted to the free two-day shipping. Anything I want delivered to my doorstep in two short days. It’s no secret I’m a hermit. And suddenly, here you were, telling me that I never had to leave the house to go to Walgreens again. No more annoying trips for deodorant or magic markers or Chia Pets ever again.
And yes, I get it. Leaving the house can actually be a good thing. I know. My newfound love of agoraphobia isn’t doing me any favors when it comes to dating, but whatever. Sure, a girl might find love while buying tampons in a romantic comedy, but that’s never once happened in my life and I don’t imagine it’s about to start. Plus, I’m a magical unicorn and I don’t even get my period. Did you just get a little turned on, Amazon Prime?
But enough about me. Today is about you. Suddenly, being close to running out of toilet paper isn’t the worst disaster in all of the land. Rather than forcing myself to shower and get in the car and drive the store, now I can just shuffle to the computer, click a few times, and ABRACADBRAKALAMZOO! Toilet paper magically appears on my doorstep in less than 48 hours. Lots of it! And I have you to thank. (Sure, I might have taken it a bit too far that one time I actually ran out and used Kleenex for an entire day while waiting for you to make your delivery, but whatever; that was one time and no one ever needs to know. Plus, next time I’ll just do the $3.99 upgrade for one-day shipping. Because, yeah, that’s ALSO a thing you offer. God you’re good.)
It doesn’t stop with toilet paper though. I need a AAA battery? Or a 49ers belt buckle? Or a pair of bloomers to wear under my tutu so that when I bend over, I don’t show my ass to every man and woman and child? All I have to do is fold my arms and nod my ponytail and you bring it to me. You even deliver me those weird Slim Fast candy bars I’m so obsessed with that seriously taste just like Butterfingers, but with half the fat grams. And the best part? You’re totally discreet. I mean, I wouldn’t be able to tell a butt plug from a hair plug, but whatever -- if I wanted either of those, I’m confident you could get them to me ASAP with no one being wiser for the wear.
And FINE. I get it. In order to keep my constant demands fulfilled, you use a lot of cardboard boxes. And plastic wrap. And those things are super bad for the environment. But I will have you know, I recycle everything I can and anyway, isn’t driving my car to the store or running into someone when I’m not in a cute outfit also bad for the environment? Exacula, Amazon Prime. Exacula.
Also, and this might disappoint you a little bit, but when I shop with you, Amazon Prime, I tend to only buy what I actually need. Whereas when I go into a drugstore I’m like, “Oooooh! Shiny thing! Gimme!!!!!” and then I come home and I realize I just bought florescent yellow nail polish and a lipstick I’ll use never. So basically, by charging me $79 a year for free two-day shipping, you’re saving me money. Just another thing about you that I’ve come to love so much.
Plus, who needs lipstick when her new favorite thing to do is stay in and read? Which brings me to another one of your amazing attributes: The Kindle Owners’ Lending Library. I can choose from thousands of titles to borrow for free. The one bummer is that you only lend a book a month and when you read as much as I do, that doesn’t get you very far. Still, it’s a cute gesture and one that does not go unappreciated. It’s like a guy who holds the door open or compliments your outfit. It’s so wonderful when it happens, but I certainly never expect it. At least not anymore.
Of course, you’re not perfect. No one is, you know. Your whole Instant Videos thing is a total joke and I’ve gotten basically no use out of it at all. But hey. That’s okay. I pay for Netflix Streaming, which is also a total joke, costs me more than you do for a year ($96) and doesn’t give me even a tenth of the enjoyment. See? Even when you fail, you’re still better than everyone else. And isn’t that how a girl really knows when she’s in love?
So Amazon Prime: Happy One Year Anniversary. No, no, you don’t have to give me anything. You’ve done enough. You’ve brought me life-saving amenities when I needed them, books at discounted rates when I couldn’t sleep, and costume accouterments when I just felt like dressing up. You’ve held up your end of the bargain and even more. Lately, I don’t have a lot of faith in humanity, but you’ve shown me that not everything has to be a disappointment. Sometimes life can be reliable, practical, sensible -- and still be sexy as hell.
To show you my appreciation, I want to give you a gift. A gift that shows you how I truly feel. How much I appreciate you and everything you’ve done for me. So here you go: $79 and the promise of another year together. I can’t wait to see what happens. I hope it’s as good for me as it is for you.
All my love,
Follow @daisy on Twitter to find out if she's really this much of a lunatic. Hint: She is.