xoFOOD: YOU GOT CHEESY BLASTERS (AND THREE OTHER FICTION–INSPIRED FOODS)!

May I present to you, my dearest dears, four recipes you may use to create delicacies inspired by TV, movies, and books.

Sep 30, 2013 at 10:00am | Leave a comment

I don't know if you guys do this or not, but when I'm watching a TV show or reading a book I always pay particular attention to the food, especially the things that don't exist in my space-time continuum, like Butter Beer or Lembas Bread.
 
One thing that has always annoyed me about "Star Trek: The Original Series" is that they NEVER EAT THE FOOD OFFERED TO THEM. Some semi-hostile lifeform will kinda take them captive and then try to prove they mean well by conjuring up some sort of feast and THEY NEVER EAT IT. 
 
I would ALWAYS EAT IT, out of curiosity ALONE.
 
And I guess I would end up hanging out with the Squire of Gothos for all eternity, but a zebra can't change its stripes, ya know?
 
Fictional food is more intriguing than "real life" food simply because it is unattainable.
 
UNTIL NOW.
 
May I present to you, my dearest dears, four recipes that you may use to create delicacies inspired by TV, movies, and books.
 
 
Romulan Ale (from Star Trek):
 
We start with a beverage which, according to Memory Alpha, was:
 
...a highly intoxicating alcoholic beverage of Romulan origin with a characteristic blue color (this could range from a pale sky blue to a dark midnight blue, depending on the "vintage"). It took a while to ferment and according to Doctor Leonard McCoy it was also used for medicinal purposes.
 
So it would seem the qualifications are “blue” and “fermented for a while.”
 
These are things I can accomplish.
 
I used the old “throw some champagne yeast in juice and let it sit there” method. Ingredients (besides about two grams of yeast) included Simply Limeade and blue food coloring.
 
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I don't know why I chose limeade; any pale juice will do.

 
It fermented QUITE WELL. I tasted it at the five-day mark, thought, “That’s good; I should filter it” -- and then forgot about it for another week. When I finally remembered and filtered it, it tasted a little “yeasty.”
 
Listen beer snobs: I know this isn’t technically “ale.” Okay? I know it’s not beer. But it has alcohol in it and it is blue, and that’s what I was aiming for, so try not to suck the fun out of this with your “technicalities.”
 
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Ignore my dirty counters.

 
It’s still drinkable, but I recommend filtering the yeast out at around five days. Don’t wait for it to quit fermenting; it seems to go on forever.
 
Enjoy in that Starfleet uniform you have hanging in your closet for occasions such as this (WHAT?).
 
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Best enjoyed in Ten Forward.

 
I know you guys are thinking: "Why the selfie? Why can't Sean just take the picture so we can see the whole uniform?"
 
He couldn't take the picture because he was out on a 40-mile bike ride, thinking about how superior he is to me.
 
Lickable Wallpaper (From Charlie and the Chocolate Factory):
 
Guys, guys, guys, look what I have! 
 
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So many meories.

 
Isn't it beautiful?
 
There are a lot of wonderful recipes to choose from (including SNOZZCUMBERS) but I went with the Lickable Wallpaper because licking walls really appeals to me.
 
GOOD NEWS VEGAN FRIENDS: You can make/eat this! All you need is dried apricots!
 
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They look kinda like ears, don't you think?

 
Demolish the dehydrated stone fruits in a food processor until they look like this:
 
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Blob.

 
Lay down some plastic wrap, put your apricot mush on top and place another layer of plastic wrap on top.
 
Roll it out (with a wine bottle) and then carefully peel off the top layer of plastic wrap.
 
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CAREFULLY.

 
Let it dry for many hours and then carefully peel off the other layer of plastic wrap.
 
Let that dry for some more hours, cut into strips, and then decorate with fruit, candy, nuts or dental floss (whatever you like)!
 
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Starfruit is ideal!

 
To make my decorations stick, I mixed powdered sugar with a little water to make a sickly sweet “glue.”
 
Then I held it up next to my wall and licked it.
 
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Who says dreams don't come true?

 
Sean wouldn't let me actually stick it to the wall because of "ants" or some other stuff and nonsense.
 
Shweddy Balls (from Saturday Night Live):
 
If you do not know what I'm talking about when I say “Shweddy Balls” you are either:
 
A) A fetus
 
Or
 
B) My husband, as he refuses to pay attention to any and all pop culture.
 
Example: The other day I said, “Don’t go chasing waterfalls,” (because that advice is always topical and sound) and he just stared at me blankly. I said, "You know, please stick to the rivers and streams that you're used to," and he was like, "I have no idea what you're talking about," and I was like, "Are you sure you're not foreign?"
 
If you are either of these, please, please, please, for the love of all that is right in this world, go watch this.
 
All right, there is no exact recipe for Shweddy Balls but this is what we do know:
 
  1. There is a Shweddy Ball for every taste. Popcorn balls, cheese balls, rum balls, you name it. We are not, however, limited to the popcorn/cheese/rum varieties; those are just some examples.
  2. They are bigger than you expect.
  3. They glisten, due to “plenty of oil.”
  4. They are a little misshapen.
  5. They are very delicate.
  6. They are fragrant.
  7. They are here for your pleasure.
  8. They are tender.
  9. No one can resist them.
Based on the above criteria, I decided to make cheesy sausage balls. My decision may or may not also have been influenced by the pound of venison sausage I had in my freezer, but the fact remains that sausage balls are a holiday tradition and they are indeed tender.
 
They are also a breeze to make. Just combine one pound of sausage (preferably spicy) with a pound of cheese and three cups of Bisquik. It is best to let the sausage come to room temperature so all that delicious grease (our "plenty of oil") liquefies a little bit, allowing you to shape your misshapen balls without any trouble or strife.
 
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Once everything is combined, roll them into slightly larger than one would expect, glorious balls.
 
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Careful not to rest them on a hot stove too long.

 
Bake at 350 for half an hour, or until they are no longer pink in the middle.
 
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Cock & Balls.

 
Enjoy.
 
CHEESY BLASTERS (from 30 Rock):
 
Any fan of 30 Rock will be able to tell you, nay, SING YOU the recipe for cheesy blasters
 
For the uninitiated:
 
YOU TAKE A HOT DOG! STUFF IT WITH SOME JACK CHEESE! ROLL IT IN A PIZZA!
 
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It should be the most popular food in America!

 
YOU GOT CHEESY BLASTERS.
 
It really is that simple.
 
And though there are more sensible uses for pizza dough, this may be the path most righteous.
 
You just roll out your dough.
 
Assemble your pizza.
 
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Pepperoni is KEY.

 
Stuff that hot dog with jack cheese.
 
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Is anyone else aroused right now?

 
Place jack cheese-stuffed hot dog in the middle of the little pizza.
 
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Almost obscene. 

 
Roll it up (crimp the edges to prevent cheesy goodness from leaking out).
 
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Decorate with more cheese and a pepperoni.

 
Bake at 400 for twenty minutes.
 
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YOU GOT CHEESY BLASTERS.
 
Don’t forget to thank Meat Cat!
 
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This is not Meat Cat and therefore he wanted NO PART OF THIS.

 
There are obviously MANY other fictional foods to make and eat. For example: Butter Beer and Snozzcumbers.
 
 
What fictional foods would you babes like me to try my shaky hands at? Alison has already recommended the iCarly spaghetti tacos.
 
Tweet your Fictional Food cravings to me: @clairelizzie.