xoFOOD: I Improved Upon Porn Star James Deen's Sriracha Doughnut Recipe

I must admit, I admire your creativity and your moxy. The ideas are there kid, but the execution needs work.

Mar 19, 2014 at 1:30pm | Leave a comment

Listen James Deen: I get that you are a (very cute) professional porn star, but you are an amateur doughnut maker.
 
When I first heard about your Sriracha and Sour Patch Kid doughnuts, I thought “Maybe James Deen and I could be best friends. Maybe we’re not that different.” I must admit, I admire your creativity and your moxy. The ideas are there kid, but the execution needs work.
 
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Photo Provided by WoodRocket

 
I went over to WoodRocket (VNSFW) to watch your show, "James Deen Loves Food."  After your clever little doughnut hole/vagina wordplay I was treated to the sight of your bouncing, disembodied head happily consuming various food stuffs. I sincerely enjoyed that. You make a charming disembodied head.
 
Then you really strengthened our relationship by professing your love for doughnuts. Dude, you get it. Doughnuts are fantastic.
 
But then you broke my heart a little when you clarified that you weren’t going to be making doughnuts at all, but Deenuts. Oh Jimmy (can I call you Jimmy?), you really love wordplay, don’t you?
 
You started out doing a great job.  You made a great basic batter, all the major players were there. I don’t know how long you let the batter rest, but I hope it was at least eight hours.
 
I really appreciate that you cut your doughnuts out with a coffee mug. I’m all about repurposing common kitchen items. I don’t even own a rolling pin! I just use wine bottles! Just a little lifehack for you.
 
But then you skipped some VITAL STEPS, JAMES. I’ve gone back to addressing you as “James” because I’m being stern now.  You didn’t let the doughnuts rise. You just started stuffing them full of random crap and frying them. I’m sure you noticed that this resulted in a dense, chewy doughnut.
 
It’s OK. It was a valiant first attempt. Some of the Deenuts looked tasty! But there is a lot of room for improvement.
 
So I took it upon myself to improve upon one of your ideas, The Sriracha Deenut.
 
Here is my process, Jimmy:
 
First of all, I’ve never actually made doughnuts before, so I don’t have a standby recipe. I Googled a bit and decided that Ree Drumond’s Glazed Doughnut recipe was probably pretty solid. The Pioneer Woman knows her business when it comes to delicious, fattening foods. No need to reinvent the doughnut. I adapted her recipe to make the following.
 
Sriracha Doughnuts with a Peanut Butter Glaze (lovingly adapted from The Pioneer Woman’s Homemade Glazed Doughnut Recipe):
 
For the Dough:
 
  • 1 1/8 cups Whole Milk
  • ¼ cup Sugar
  • 2 ¼ t (one package) Instant of Active Dry Yeast
  • 2 Eggs, Beaten
  • 1 ¼ Sticks of Butter
  • 3-4 T Sriracha 
  • 4 cups All-Purpose Flour
  • PLENTY of Shortening (I used almost 3 lbs)
 
For the Glaze:
 
  • 3 cups Powdered Sugar
  • ½ t Salt
  • ½ t Vanilla
  • 2 T Creamy Peanut Butter
  • ½ Cup Cold Milk
 
Directions:
 
1. Warm your milk in the microwave for about a minute and a half. You just want it warm, not super hot.
 
2. Add the sugar to the milk and stir to dissolve.
 
3. Add the yeast to a small bowl and pour your milk/sugar mixture in. Stir gently and let the yeast do its thing for ten minutes. I love the smell of yeast, don't you Jim? Yeast gives us so many magical things and only one terrible one. You know what I'm talking about, Jimmy.
 
4. Melt about 75% of your butter and stir to melt the rest. Let cool slightly.
 
5. Beat your Sriracha into your eggs. Add this to the butter, stirring constantly so as not to cook the eggs.
 
6. Add your egg/butter/Sriracha mixture to the bowl of your standmixer. Fit the mixer with a dough hook.  On med-low speed (3 on a Kitchenaid) pour in your bubbly yeast mixture and let the dough hook stir everybody around for a couple of minutes. 
 
I'm pretty jealous of your mixer, James. It's much nicer than mine. I complained to my husband about the discrepancy and he told me to "do more porn." Point to husband.
 
7. Keep that hook moving and add your flour in ¼ cup increments. Once all the flour is in there, stop the mixer and scrape the bowl. Turn it back on (same speed) for another five minutes.
 
8. Stop, scrape, stir for another 30 seconds.
 
9. Turn it off and let your dough relax for 10 minutes. It should look like this:
 
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Very stretchy.

 
10. Transfer the dough to a buttered bowl. Roll it around a little to get it all buttered. Cover with plastic wrap and let it chill overnight in the fridge.
 
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Go to sleep, princess.

 
THE NEXT DAY:
 
Did you sleep well, James? At least eight hours? That's how much the dough needs, James. Eight. Hours.
 
1. Turn your dough out on to a floured surface (you did this perfectly, Jim).
 
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So fluffy!

 
2. Roll it out to about 1/4 inch thickness. Cut as many rounds as you can with a 3 inch cutter (or coffee mug, like you did). Punch out little holes. I used the tip of a pastry bag (the wider end). Take any excess dough and roll it out again. Cut out more doughnuts. Do this as many times as you can.
 
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3. THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT STEP TO LIGHT, AMAZING DOUGHNUTS.
 
You have to cover them with a kitchen towel and place them in a warm area (for about an hour) to let them rise. To create a warm environment for these babies, I turned the oven on to 200F and set the doughnuts on top of the stove. This kept them warm, but didn't cook them.
 
They then went from this:
 
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Flat.

 
to this:
 
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HELLO BABIES.

 
NOW we can fry James, and not a moment before.
 
Somewhere in there you should mix your glaze ingredients together. If you do it too far a head of time and it starts to crystallize, you can just stir it some more and it will be fiiiine.
 
4. Heat your shortening to around 375-380F. Don't go above 380, keep a thermometer in the pan to monitor. I'll level with you Deen, monitoring the temp of this oil was really annoying. I kept having to move the Dutch oven off the burner to cool it down. I bet your deep fryer really simplified this step.
 
As you fry, you'll need to keep adding shortening so the doughnuts have enough to float in. Otherwise, they will touch the bottom and burn.
 
5. Gently place your doughnuts in the shortening and fry for about 35 seconds on each side. You may need to play around with those times, but you want the doughnuts to be golden brown. Ree Drumond fried hers for a minute on each side, but I think hers were bigger.
 
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Perfectly golden

 
6. Remove from the pot and immediately place on paper towels to drain. Flip it over a few times to get both sides.
 
7. Once your doughnut cools down a bit, submerge it face down (about halfway) into the glaze. Flip over on to a cooling wrack with paper towels underneath to catch drips.
 
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Like this!

 
8. Repeat with the remaining doughnuts until you have assembled Doughnut Mountain.
 
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I wanna scale it!

 
Now James, don't those look amazing? I know you said you don't like Sriracha (heathen) but these were pretty fantastic. There was just enough chili flavor to hold up to the peanut butter glaze, but it didn't scream "SRIRACHA!" The heat comes in at the end, and if you eat enough of them it starts to build, but all that dough keeps it from wrecking your palate. And if you really cannot stand Sriracha, you can always use a different hot sauce.
 
I hope this has been helpful Mr. Deen. Feel free to contact me any time for consults.
 
Oh, and tell your "assistant" that I like his beard. Thanks.