I hate doing dishes, so much so that I'd probably throw my own cousin a "You wanna get out of here?" just to avoid Thanksgivingy pans. But I might change my tune after I helped wash dishes after a monster party and was rewarded with two cases of wine (the hostess had overordered).Normally, having extra wine in the house is not an issue for me, or at least an issue for very long. But, as this wine was purchased with a large crowd in mind, it's kind of rough on the ol' palate. At the risk of sounding like I lack gratitude... it's kind of undrinkable. I've taken to calling it Country Strong, both as a nod to the name of the vintner and the moonshine-and-tarpaper-redolent finish. Chardon-nay indeed.But while you may not have two cases of step-aunt grade shudder juice like I do, I bet you've probably bought bad wine before. Sometimes I select a bottle based on the price, or the label or the hot guy who was like, "Anybody ever tell you you look like Eva Mendez when you buy Amarone?" (looking at you, Almor Los Angeles), only to discover that it is gross.
So here's a list of a couple things you can do with your Chateau Neuf de Crap.Poach It!You're Danny, Champion of leftover booze. Wine that tastes gross in a glass can actually taste great when allowed to sensually limn around chicken, salmon, or even eggs. (A lot of people poach pears in wine, but I tend to think of that as one of those weird foods that only middle-aged couples make for eachother to indicate they'd like to have tender middle-aged sex with each other. So I try to avoid it.)Get Saucyyyyyy!Dudes, I have tried nicer wines for my boef bourgignon, and nothing really compares to tooth-staining jug hooch. Plus then afterwards you can use the jug to "Winters Bone" role-play. Freeze, Asshole!Mix one cup of your favorite juice (try something citrussy or it'll taste a little Type II) for every 1/2 cup of your favorite wine and freeze into popsicle molds or cubes. You can eat these straight or use them to keep sangria cold without diluting it.
Bedazzle it!After we read an article that asserted that men could still feel butch and drink white wine if it was served "sparkling," my friends and I have spent the summer drinking "sparklers" made of cheap white. If you order it at a bar, just ask for "Pinot grigio with a splash of soda and extra ice, no homo."
Be Full of Piss and Vinegar!
You can make vinegar out of leftover wine by adding a vinegar starter and letting it do its thing. Just kidding about the second part! You really shouldn't drink piss.
Just Fucking Drink It!Sack up, you Kimberly. It's wine, there are people in countries without sugary shiraz. Drink enough liquor first and you won't even notice how terrible it or anything else is.Sell it to Some Teenagers!Just kidding! That's illegal.