It's basically SAW: Beauty Edition.
Since the peanut butter and pickle sandwich post, lots of folks have been suggesting weird sandwiches for me to eat. You know what? You guys are freaking gross. You’re a bunch of dirty little culinary weirdos.
I simply love you for it.
This mouth expedition lasted two nights. If I had tried to place this particular combination of ingredients into my stomach within a span of a couple hours, I would have puked my tapeworm out. This would be non-optimum, as I’ve grown attached to my tapeworm. His name is Clyde.
Let’s meet the players:
1. Peanut butter and onion
Someone’s grandpa used to eat these. I trust most grandpas. Why wouldn’t I? They smell like old spice and call me “beautiful.” I was informed that this particular Grandpa would use Walla Walla sweet onions. I did not have a Walla Walla, but I was in possession of a sweet onion.
I would eat this sandwich again.
I said it before (when I ate all those PB&Ps) and I’ll say it again: Peanut butter can hold its own with almost any ingredient. These raw onions were really mellowed out by all that delicious peanut fat.
Then I added pickles. Damn.
Then I added bacon. Welcome to taste island.
Sandwich Rating: “Hey, soldier.”
2. Toast, Margarine, Vegemite, Orange Marmalade
Some notes: I could not find vegemite. I used marmite. Does this matter? Please don’t yell at me if it does. This colonist is not versed in the finer points of yeast extract spread. Also, I did not have margarine. This is a butter household, and I didn’t want to buy a tub of margarine for one sandwich.
All of this being said, this sandwich made me sad. I’m pretty sure I put too much marmite on though, because holy mother of sodium. Also, I just don’t like orange marmalade.
Sandwich Rating: Maybe I'm doing it wrong?
3. Banana, Mayo, White Bread
Apparently, this is a Carolina thing (like vinegar-based BBQ!). I was really terrified of this mo-fo, but this sandwich is trashy-fabulous and all of its faults are products of my troubled psyche. I was told I needed to approach this with an “open mind,” but guys, it is hard to approach mayonnaise with an open mind.
So many associations and preconceived notions about this emulsion exist! I even have a hard time eating it with fries, unless it is called an “aioli.” I’m a complicated creature. Really, who has the time for me and my nonsense?
In spite of my prejudices, I was able to enjoy this thing. The tang of the mayo and the sweetness of the banana paired well enough for me to enjoy quite a few bites. I think the key to enjoying this sandwich is being comfortable with yourself and your tastebuds. Don’t overthink it, and you’ll be fine.
Sandwich Rating: What? Why? Oh. OK.
4. Peanut Butter and Cheese
The commenter known as Lillimae suggested this one.
Lillimae, I have wanted to try this sandwich for some time now. Thank you for giving me the push I needed. This sandwich was fantastic. I used Edam cheese made by the dairy scientists at the Mississippi State University and ermehgerd. Keep up the good work Lillimae, and keep preaching this sandwich.
Sandwich Rating: Go tell it on a mountain.
5. Sliced Green Salad Olives w/Pimento & Crunchy Peanut Butter on Toasted Sesame Bread
‘Kay. So, the main problem here is that I didn’t have any sesame bread. I feel that the sesame bread is crucial and I feel like I should apologize to Elisavet Stefanna Palazzolo, the commenter who suggested this sandwich.
I’m sorry, Elisavet Stefanna Palazzolo.
BUT! I did like this. It is not dissimilar to my beloved PB&P. If you like olives more than pickles, give this girl a whirl. But get the sesame bread. Don’t be like me.
Sandwich Rating: Get it, girl.
6. Peanut Butter with Mayo and Mustard
Texture, my friends. Texture is key. The flavors were all there, but it was just a little mushy for me. I also think I would have preferred just PB and mustard. That could be due to the fact that I was still feeling awkward around mayo since pairing it with banana.
Sidebar: As I write these words, Clyde is getting more than a little perturbed.
To the commenter, unpious: I loved the vinegar of the mustard with the peanut butter. My texture issues are my own. I once threw up at a poor diabetic kid’s birthday because they made me eat Jell-O. It was the 80s in Mississippi, and you couldn’t get a sugar-free cake. You just couldn’t. So this poor diabetic kid had to have sugar-free Jell-O and I puked up his birthday Jell-O and ruined his birthday.
Sandwich Rating: I’ve got the jacket, but I don’t got the moxie.
7. Tuna with Mayo and Bananas
I did not hate this. I’ve always liked fruit in my tuna salad, though. I usually add apples. They lend a nice crunch and tartness. The tuna + banana situation is not bad though. I ate most of it.
Sandwich Rating: Surprisingly not surprising.
8. Cream Cheese and Liverwurst
I wanted to like this. I didn’t actively dislike it. I honestly think a pickle would improve this sandwich. But maybe I am broken? Onions would probably be good too. I needed crunch and acidity. The unctuousness of the two ingredients longs for it.
Sandwich Rating: So close I want to keep tasting it.
9. Peanut Butter and Bologna
I fucking loved this. This says a lot about me. It says that I’m tacky. It’s says that you can’t take me anywhere. It says that even though I spent most of my life in Los Angeles, I am from Mississippi and should probably just eat Vienna sausages on saltines. You know, the ones with slime on them.
Sidebar: I fed my grandfather Vienna sausages when he was dying and too sick to feed himself, so now I’m sad. Too much?
Sandwich Rating: Well, now I’m just sad.
10. Green Olive and Cream Cheese
Really pretty normal after all that. Sorry, Cody.
Sandwich Rating: Not weird at all.
HONORABLE MENTION OF A NON-SANDWICH: THE PICKLE-TINI! Commenters Blythe and nannerbananner convinced me to finally try this bitch. Damn. She is a sexy lady. I poured 2 oz of Hendrick’s Gin (which has a nice cucumber flavor on its own) into a shaker full of ice and topped it off with as much Clausen pickle juice as I could. If you love a dirty martini, you may love this, and I may love you.
I am going to drink these all the time now. It’s fine. I’m not trying to impress anyone and my husband knows what he signed up for.
This concludes my mouth expedition. Now, if you will excuse me, Clyde needs an antacid.