The Anti-Nail Art Nail Art: For Those Of Us Who Just Can't Be Bothered

This space has now been commandeered as a safe zone for the anti-nail art movement.

Jul 17, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

Ah, nail art. It has become virtually synonymous with the archetypal self-starter blogger. Even making a joke about the cliché of nail art online is clichéd at this point. In fact, just mentioning the coinage “nail art” at the top of this page probably deterred the most jaded of online media consumers at the get-go.
 
That said: HEAR YE, people! For this space has now been commandeered as a safe zone for the anti-nail art movement. Confused? Then ask yourself the following questions:
 
Do you find yourself trying to recreate those timely, cutesy nail art Pinterest postings only to find that those cute Halloween pumpkin tutorials made your nails look like mottled, gangrene-y messes?
 
Do you pine to execute the perfect tie-dye nail or candy-cane stripe, but you’re too damn shaky and unfocused to pull it off? So much so that you end up accidentally painting your coffee table more than your nails?
 
Then stick it to these unnaturally detail-oriented Internet phenoms (whom I’m extremely jealous of, by the way) and do what I do:
 
image
 
image
 
Go full amateur artist on them bad boys. That’s right! Stroke and drip and dab and streak each nail based on IMPULSE and impulse alone. Let your nail be your CANVAS, darling, and let only the brush and your id do the talking.
 
Hell, you don’t even need to stop with the nails. Let the glitter and glam spill over onto your nail beds, down your knuckles, onto your hands! Go NUTS with artistic inspiration!
 
image
 
I mean, OK, I know some of you are going to be like averse to looking like a preschooler who got their hands on some Elmers and glitter, but isn’t it kind of FUN?! Like a mini riot against having to look perfect and put together all the time? I mean, in the long run, isn’t nail art just another way to police our interests and appearance?!
 
Aaaand I’m going overboard. Much like I did with my nails.
 
So what dreamy, sparkly, vibrant colors did I use?
 
Plenty of OPI, Essie, and sexy China Glaze of course!
 
Let’s start with OPI, shall we?
 
image
 
Can we just talk about the fact that I stuck to the theme colors? The whimsical Honey Ryder and Woman’s Prague-ative (I see what you did there, “post feminist” nail color designer) colors technically come from a promotional line for Oz the Great and Powerful, which, I think we can all agree, fully sucked the big one.
 
Then that dreamy, Elle Woods pink sparkle comes from their Minnie Mouse couture line. How precious are those chunky sparkles? So fun!
 
Believe it or not, I used these sheer colors under the strokes of vibrant colors. They served as a glittery backdrop for the crazy colors. Then I kind of used them as detailing after I was done, adding dabs and strokes to empty canvas areas on my nails that needed more pizzazz.
 
Then there’s the obligatory Essie. Because Essie is amazing. And I don’t usually fall for bandwagon beauty products!
 
image
 
That Barbados Blue with the gold and sparkles really added a sort of Victorian feel to my nails. Like chipping furniture from Versailles or something.
 
I added streaks of dark and white polish to add to the chipping paint feel of the nail look.
 
Finally, I used China Glaze. Now, China Glaze is my favorite, cheap, go to nail color. I cannot leave a Sally Beauty without reaching for the China Glaze on sale. Even if I go in there to buy emergency bobby pins, I leave with a new, three-dollar shade. Every time. Because, DUH. Who wouldn’t?
 
image
 
That flashy pink number is called 108 degrees because it is hot, hot, hot (I can’t believe I just typed that). The red is appropriately named Ruby Pumps, and it is a BLOOD red. The sparkles make it even more fun and sexy.
 
That Audrey Blue color is a reliable solid and minty color. I used it similarly to how I used that Essie blue, and streaked it with light-hearted whimsy to add some delicate colors to my messy hodge-podge.
 
So, would you ladies try this anti-nail art? Do you think it’s just too much of a mess? Are you a nail art phenom who took offense at my thinly veiled anti nail art campaign? (Again, I’m just jealous of your abilities, guys and gals, duh.)
 
Deliberate, please.