Last month, my husband posted that link to my Facebook wall, “20 Sad Etsy Boyfriends,” highlighting some sad sack dudes suckered into modeling mainly hand-knitted hats. My friends were all over it, and it might have been pretty funny if it weren't for this boot-in-the-nuts comment from "drunken atheist. "
"OH JESUS! F*#K LIL KIM NIGHTGOWN, SAD HIPSTER IS MY NEW FAVORITE POST!"
"Man, jeals of your regretsy fam," wrote a friend. Regretsy fame. That’s some shit. My beans have slow-burned over that privilege for a year and a half, since I first lost stumbled on my Regretsy send-up in October of 2009.
I mean, first off, Regretsy is a completely awesome name, and a brilliant concept. Countless posts are weepingly hilarious. But as in every other aspect of my life, I AM DIFFERENT, an exception. I am untouchable. I don’t crochet tampons. I make cute little baby gowns out of recycled vintage and second hand t-shirts I hand-select to be extra bitchin and, whenever possible, funny.
One of my personal all-time faves was the now infamous Lil Kim edition. I thrifted a kick-ass Marc Jacobs Loves Lil Kim shirt, originally sold at Marc stores with proceeds going a non-profit helping at-risk youth that Kim herself had been a part of growing up in Brooklyn.
So October ‘09, around the time I first learned of Regretsy as a thing, a friend posted a Regretsy link to my Facebook wall thinking I would love it. It took about two minutes of browsing the site to realize my stuff was on there. I was so infuriated. What was so tragic about my shit? It was funny. And awesome. She’s not nude on it, there’s no foul language. The item I made from it was lovely in design and construction, a sweet classic lap tee-style infant gown, a basic piece in any layette. I regret-sy nothing!
Plus, Helen Killer edited my Etsy listing before using it in her post, removing Lil Kim lyrics I had included because her blurb wouldn’t have been as entertaining if she didn’t. I reveled selling it to a jewelry designer in London. Then again, maybe it’s a skewed honor to be a part of the first week of Regretsy. I’m a pioneer of the craft world cyber-bullied.
I defer to Queen Bee:
At first I seem friendly; but that's just in me
I warn you -- when I blow, it gets a little windy
You make me wanna fight you, I ain't nothin like you
Y'all "Paper Thin," my shit recycled
~Lil Kim, Custom Made