xoFOOD: These Three Insane Burgers Will Make Your Whole Summer

IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: If your sensibilities were at all offended by Pizza Hut’s Crazy Cheese Crust Taste Explosion, turn back now. This is way more upsetting than that.

May 21, 2013 at 4:00pm | Leave a comment

Is your burger super fucking boring? Are you stuck in a ground beef rut? Maybe you've tried adding cheese, bacon, onion rings perhaps, but you can’t seem to take your burger from 10 to 11? 
 
Well thank whatever god you pray to that I am here. I am going to jumpstart your mouth, your brain, and both of your intestines. Fuck bathing suit season, summer is grilling season, and these burger recipes will make you the belle of the ball. So fire up your grills (or grill pans), kittens. Shit is about to get really real.
 
IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER: If your sensibilities were at all offended by Pizza Hut’s Crazy Cheese Crust Taste Explosion, turn back now. This is way more upsetting than that. By “upsetting” I mean “the tits” but really, if my adventures make you squeamish, get out of here before it’s too late.
 
Alright, assuming only the pure of heart are left, let’s talk about these burgers in the order I made them.
 
1. The Fatty Melt
 
Guys, sometimes The Lowers go out to eat and they overdo it. Sean usually says something dramatic like “I’m never eating again,” and then doesn't eat for almost 24 hours or something. This usually happens at one of those Brazilian Steakhouses where exotic looking men in MC Hammer pants bring you meat on SWORDS. They give you a little pog that is red on one side and green on the other and you flip it to green whenever you want more sword meat.  It’s fantastic, but last time I went I aquired a meat hangover which is exactly as bad as it sounds.
 
ANYWAY. I never say “I’m never eating again.” Mainly because it’s hyperbolic but also because I want dessert and that goes in a separate stomach.  But after this first burger, I got really dramatic. I didn't go as far as saying I would never eat again, but I did say I didn't think I could eat until the next day. So yeah, this burger kicked my ass, and I only had half.
 
Ingredients:
- One 1/3 lb. burger patty
- Three strips of thick bacon
- One large egg
- Four pieces of white bread
- Two pieces of American cheese
- Two pieces of cheddar cheese
- Butter
 
Assembly:
 
1. Get your bacon cooking, just cook it however you cook bacon. I fry mine. Lay cooked bacon on paper towels to drain.
 
2. Butter one side of each piece of bread. Pro-tip: Always keep a stick of butter at room temperature, as nothing is worse than trying to spread cold butter.
 
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Keep it in a fancy dish!

  
Put two pieces of bread, butter side down, on a non-skit skillet over low-medium heat. Put both types of cheese on each piece of bread and top with remaining bread, butter side up this time. Flip after a few minutes and get that bitch nice and golden brown. I know I just described the action of grilling a cheese, but some people don’t know how and I want ALL OF THE PEOPLE to be able to enjoy this.
 
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Is there anything more beautiful?

 
3. While your cheese is grilling, your burger should be grilling. I had Sean do it. If you don’t have someone you can send to do your grilling, you could always finish your grilled cheese and pop it in an oven that has been pre-heated to 200°F to keep it warm.
 
4. OH DAMN I ALMOST FORGOT THE FRIED EGG. Here’s a secret: I fried that egg in grease I had rendered out of our delicious bacon. WHAT? Yes. I turn me on too.
 
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Fry it up good.

 
5. Stack that thang. It goes like this: Grilled cheese, burger patty, fried egg, bacon, final grilled cheese. In that order. 
 
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It will make you slap your mamma.

 
6. Shove that thing in your gaping maw. I cut mine diagonally (because I’m not a peasant) and shared with Sean.
 
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I could barely deal with all the taste.

 
Sean puts up with a lot of shenanigans. He has to watch me eat peanut butter and pickle sandwiches and know that I am the future mother of his children. Sometimes I lock my legs and pretend like I have no knees (in public). Sometimes I show him my pore strips. He’s seen a lot of things, kittens. But I like to think moments like this make it all worth it for him. He really really liked it. I really really liked it too, because it was really really good.
 
ONWARD.
 
2. Juicy Lucy
 
Beautiful Felicia suggested this one. I hope I make her proud. In addition to both of us being home schooled,  we share a passion for disgustingly delicious food. We tweet each other pics or our culinary conquests. It’s probably not the healthiest relationship, but I derive a good bit of joy from it. ANYWAY THIS IS WHAT I DID.
 
Ingredients:
-Two 1/3 lb. burger patties
- One hamburger bun
- Two slices of cheese (your choice)
-Onion (if you’re nasty)
 
1. Lay down a patty.
 
2. Fold one cheese slice into quarters and stack in the middle of your burger.
 
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Think of all the different cheeses you could use!

 
3. Place remaining patty on top of cheese pile and crimp the edges to seal. IMPORTANT THING THAT I DID NOT DO: re-shape the burger so it looks like one patty again by compressing the edges. This will keep things from falling apart like mine did.
 
4. Grill about six minutes on each side, piercing the top after you flip to release steam.
 
5. Assemble as you would a regular burger. I put an additional slice of cheese on top, because the edges need cheese too! Take heed: This thing is really hot in the middle so let her rest, my friends.
 
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Like a cheese volcano, or something.

 
6. DEVOUR.
It’s like Christmas, except it’s a burger, and your present is cheese. One time my brother gave me hummus for Christmas, so it’s kinda just regular Christmas for me.
 
Last but not lesser than any of the other burgers we have covered thus far!
 
3. Donut Encased Bacon Cheeseburger
 
You know how delis name awesome sandwiches after famous people? If I had a deli or diner, I would call this the Emily McCombs, because she loves donuts and makes me drool a little (the burger also accomplishes this, but it's different).
 
You make this as you would any bacon cheese burger (with onions and two pieces of cheese, natch) and then when you are about to put it on the bun, OH WHAT YOU PUT IT ON A DONUT AND THEN PUT ANOTHER DONUT ON TOP.  Don’t you put lettuce on this; this is no place for lettuce. The onion is really important though, as it cuts the fattiness and adds some acidity.
 
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Take your chlorophyll and go. You're not wanted here!

 
This was amazing. I ate all except one bite. Because I’m a quitter, I guess. Sean wouldn’t even help though, so who is the real quitter? 
 
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Don't think about it too much; just get in there.

 
I ate all this within a 48 hour period. In retrospect, that probably wasn't the best idea. It was really delicious, but I think my pancreas has left the building. He probably took my liver with him; those two assholes have been bitching to each other about me for a while now. 
 
Which one are you going to try, dear reader? You really should try them all, but over the course of a year, not two days. Don't you be like me.
 
Tweet Claire pictures of your delicious burgers! Tweet her to tell her how gross she is! She doesn't care; she likes all attention. @clairelizzie