It's basically SAW: Beauty Edition.
There is a new utterly ridiculous food in town, and it is The Pizza Cake.
Created by Boston Pizza, the Pizza Cake is part of the Pizza Game Changers campaign, which allows customers to vote on their most recent pizza-related innovations.
The Pizza Cake is winning by a landslide, with close to twenty-five thousand backers, but other innovations include pizza mints, a pizza beardkin (an apron for your beard to use when eating pizza), and a pizza taco (Alison’s favorite).
Just to give you an idea of how much ass the Pizza Cake is kicking: the second place innovation (pizza mints) only has 3,745 votes, a mere fraction of the hearts won by the Pizza Cake.
Is anyone really surprised?
Of course news of this multi-layered cheesy behemoth prompted many emails, Facebook posts, and tweets, all alerting me to its tortured existence. My inner-monologue went a little something like this:
First thought: “Oh cool! I’ll order one of these!”
Second thought: “CURSES! They’re Canadian.”
Third thought: “Seven hells, I’ll have to make it myself.”
Then I procrastinated for a week or so, because I knew this thing was going to be a pain in my ass and stomach and, frankly, I was afraid of failure.
But my fears were unfounded because I vanquished this mother like a seventh-grade science project (mine was on plant sex parts, and it won me a pretty ribbon). My version is a little smaller than Boston's, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled with how it turned out.
So how does one make this assault on human decency?
I don’t know how Boston Pizza does it in up in Canada, but I’m assuming that they have some sort of mold or something. Who knows? I knew I couldn’t just layer raw dough on top of more raw dough with fillings in between; that would result in a soggy, unsound structure.
The key is to take it step by step. Don’t worry; I’ll walk you through it. We can even hold hands or something.
PIZZA CAKE OF DOOM
You will need:
- A nine inch springform pan
- A lot of pizza dough. I went to Publix and bought three bags of their fresh dough.
- A can of pizza sauce
- Mozzarella cheese -– I bought a huge bag, but didn't end up using it all, so maybe get the second largest bag at the grocery store?
- Whatever toppings you like! I used about 20 slices of pepperoni. I would recommend not using toppings with super-high water content; you don’t want this to get mushy.
1. Remove the base of the sprinform pan. Roll out a handful of dough into a disk that is large enough to cover the base. You will want to roll the dough out quite thin; about an eighth of an inch. Trim the excess by running a pizza cutter through the groove in the base of the pan.
2. Repeat this four times.
3. Top each pizza with a spoonful of sauce, a small handful of cheese, and about five pepperoni slices.
4. Bake each pizza for 18 minutes at 400F.
5. Let the pizzas cool slightly, then stack right on top of each other on the base of the sprinform.
6. Once the pizzas are stacked, wrap them lovingly in more pizza dough. Don’t try to use one continuous piece, it will only end in frustration. Instead, take smaller pieces and patch them together, using a finger dipped in water to smooth out any stubborn spots. [Note: hopefully you use your own finger.]
7. Snap the springform ring piece (what is that even called?) around the base. Cover top pizza with more cheese and pepperoni, so as to prevent burning. This would also be a good time to add any veggies, just don't do it for the sake of nutrition; it is for naught.
8. Bake at 400F for 30 minutes, or until outer crust is golden brown. It may be necessary to add more cheese on top halfway through if your toppings start to burn. Or you could just add more cheese for the sake of more cheese. No one could fault you for that.
9. Remove from oven and let cool for maybe five minutes. Cut into glorious wedges.
Isn't it glorious?
BEHOLD ITS MAGNIFICENCE.
It was pretty delicious, but I don't know that it was much more delicious than a regular, mono-layered pizza. My husband liked it because it was like eating "a really thick pizza, but with a good bread-sauce-topping ratio, instead of too much bread." I liked it because it looked super impressive and because it was pizza.
I pretty much like anything that is made of pizza.
I'll be honest, I'm feeling pretty invincible after conquering this thing. I wouldn't make it every week, but it would be fun to bust out at a birthday party, especially for one of those weirdos that "doesn't like birthday cake."
Tweet crazy food suggestions @clairelizze!